the real me

Desperate confusion seeps in

 

to the place where I hide

 

behind this facade

 

hoping and waiting

 

in doorways, cigarette billowing,

 

whirling away my memory in whiskey.

 

Look and see.....truly see

 

who I cannot be.

 

My lying smile and knowing eyes

 

betray the real me.

 

 

Author's Note

Second draft - 7th and 8th lines feel wrong to me.

Reviews

[Robert Luna]

Awha. We tend to hind the real us from the world for we fear they will not like what the see. So we wear mask to cover the horrrible sacrs and battle wounds life in a way to protect the world from the ugliness we feel that we are. I say to hell with that show the world allow them to marvel at the beauty of the tattered and torn parts of our souls and heart. Embrace the real us and know the wisdom learn through heartache and pain. Lessons of life that we each now know. I loved this as you can tell stoked something in me.


Great Job!!!!!!

[Alicia Schroeder]

I think the last two lines suit it well, many of us hide behind our smiles, not letting the real us be seen, it's just the reality that hurts and the consumtion of drinking or drugs, sometimes just make us appear to be really alive, when in reality, we only wish to be that bold all the time. Nice write

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I have a problem with "cigarette billowing"..dry sheets on a clothesline billow or sails on a ship, even the willow may billow her tresses in the wind but can a cigarette billow? I think "smoldering" would be a better word choice there.Even smoke does not usually billow but disipates unless there is a forest fire or something very much like one. How about "search my heart and believe; this mask I wear cannot decieve" or something like that for lines 7 and 8, it fits in the logical progression leading up to the last two lines. Just a few thoughts for what they're worth. I like the thought behind the piece though, reminds me a bit of Carl Sandburg's Phizzog.

[R J Askew]

'hoping and waiting in doorways' ... just like it is for millions. Who knows why some lives turn this way some that way? Is any the better or worse for it? Like the whisky and cigarettes...not that I drink the stuff or smoke. But there seems a certain sod it all attitude that has honesty about it.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

A very powerful piece that really displays how drinking only makes the illusions of problems disapear and causes you to not even know you own reality anymore... I can see why this won the contest... congratulations.

[Michael X]

Christel, this poem is sweeping and has a way of projecting itself with lyrical
flow in form, the meaning, in equal effect, has a way of causing the reader to
look inward, as if trying to discover what it means to grieve the death of sorrow,
of course you leave the meaning open to interpretation, the general feeling
I get when I read this, is in the subtle, powerful, touching quality, and imagery.

[Kris Tate]

The 7th and 8th lines are great. This poem is great. Short sweet and to the point. It makes me feel the pain, and reminds me of how much of myself is hidden from the rest of the world. Great write and thanks for submitting it to the Falling Apart contest.

[Helena]

I could sense the loneliness behind "my lying smile and knowing eyes"....putting on a 'brave face'
is one of the hardest things to do.

Good work, I enjoyed the read!

Thank you for joining my contest and "Keeping the Dream Alive" ~ Helena

[Fran Marie]

whirling away my memory in whiskey.



Look and see.....truly see



who I cannot be.

A great write as is ~everyone hides behind the mask at one time or another

for reasons known only to us and we may not want to reveal~ so we stay

smiling and lying behind the facade~ WelL DonE!!

THanks for submitting this to Masqurade Ball Contest~Fran Marie

[Donald Meikle]

So leave them out. It reads the same.

[.mate.feed.kill.repeat.]

The first thing that jumps out is the astounding rhythm. The rhythm is just simply perfect. Another thing is the flow. Flow and rhythm generally go hand-in-hand--this is a great example. Your lines flowed together superbly, and your word choice was magnificent. This piece has simply amazing imagery to it. I loved the line "in doorways, cigarette billowing"--the description of the cigarette was beautiful.

One suggestion I'd make, though, is to either use ampersands throughout or to always spell out "and." In lines four and seven, you spelled out "and," but in line nine, you used an ampersand.

Nice piece.