While Lonely

Just ramblining

I did the math. 159 days. 159 days since I said it to you. 159 days since I lied to myself. 159 days since I broke my own heart and yours. I reached out to you to mend our hearts but it was too late. You had moved on and my heart was dissected into smaller pieces.

I've thought about this for 159 days. I write letters to you that you'll never read because I can't muster up the courage to write your address on the envelope. I poured my heart out onto those pages while someone else was busy stealing yours. And now they hold you and feel the softness of your lips on their cheeks. While I'm at home playing fortnite dying because I'm too busy wondering 'would you be proud of what I've done'? I have been incarcerated by this spell for 159 days. I has handicapped me in my everyday life. I sit at my post day dreaming of you coming in to my work and you would look at me surprised and actually seem happy to see me. You ask how I've been and congratulate me on my new position. You give me a hug and say 'it was nice to see you' then carry on with your day. 

But then I remember all the fights. The stupid reasons we couldn't get a long. The you I first met and the you I left. For the longest time I couldn't cope with the fact that this break-up was my doing but every now and then I can remember one crucial detail. I didn't leave the you that sat 3 rows up and one seat to the right of me in Chemistry class my senior year. I left the one that lived 500 miles away and barely resembled the girl that stole my heart from across the Murello Center during the Homecoming Dance. Then for a brief second I am out of my incarceration I Shawshank Redemptioned my way out of a maximum security prison. 

I'm sprinting to freedom, fresh air never tasted so good. I realize that these vivid memories of the past come when I am at my loneliest. When my friends are all at work and I get left on read. I finally see that I think about you when I worry about my future and worry if I will ever have children. I have the power to flip the switch off in my brain and think about the new possibilities the future will hold. But then... I remember driving you home after the movies and you falling asleep in my Jeep with my hand enclosed in yours. I remember your laugh. I remember kissing you. I remember laying down having you in my arms. 

Then I hear the dogs barking behind me on my run for the outer wall, they caught me. I'm taken back to the prison that I tried so desperately to escape from. I'm thrown in the hole for trying to escape... But damn that brief taste of fresh air was worth it. One after another the escape attempts get longer and longer. I feel more and more wind at my back each time, and soon I wont be counting the days. I will put those days behind me and find a new woman that will break my heart...

But for now I am sat here in my cell dreaming about you running towards me with a smile and your arms extended.

Author's Note

wrote this in the span of an hour so dont judge

Reviews

[avant security guard]

been there

needs incidents

dialogue with other people

new people

move on

get in the mix--be positive

I guarantee you--good things will happen if you try new things

visit a bookstore--read literary magazines

I have lots of them, granted, getting ditched is a good subject--