I was going for a strong high order structure using repetition, with a looser lyrical structure using a mix of lyrical techniques to add different accents. Just wondering if it worked or if anyone thinks it would have had better flow with a more fixed lyrical structure as well (rhyme scheme etc.).
My Review
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Powerful content. Reading through, I was realizing a stripping away of fallacies and fantasies with a let's-be-honest-with-ourselves undertone, and you crafted with word choice and structure that greatly adds to your message. I think your approach to the structure is dead-on. I think rhyming may actually dilute this piece a bit, so like how you have it as is.
As the Ivy mentioned in her review, there may be a point or two to make about flow or perhaps certain phrasing, but given the umph of this work, seems small potatoes to me at the moment.
Standout lines for me:
And obedient ignorance is commended as ardent faith.
Where vanity and self loathing are esteemable
Where men commit crimes of ignorance and piety / And our world is a spectacle of mutual malady
I will return again, I'm sure.
Thank you for this. Very well done.
I'm sorry I never got back to you eons ago. You read a piece of mine and your review was positive, but I think the twisted part of me loves to be hated. Anyway, this piece you wrote contains quite a bit of power. Fight the good fight.
The thing about corruption, you say. Huh, so corruption has a beginning then? Why is corruption allowed to exist anyways. If parents did not wish such a nature upon their children, then why did they not teach them to defend against it?
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Because they were taught the same s**t when they were kids, and so it goes on.
Powerful content. Reading through, I was realizing a stripping away of fallacies and fantasies with a let's-be-honest-with-ourselves undertone, and you crafted with word choice and structure that greatly adds to your message. I think your approach to the structure is dead-on. I think rhyming may actually dilute this piece a bit, so like how you have it as is.
As the Ivy mentioned in her review, there may be a point or two to make about flow or perhaps certain phrasing, but given the umph of this work, seems small potatoes to me at the moment.
Standout lines for me:
And obedient ignorance is commended as ardent faith.
Where vanity and self loathing are esteemable
Where men commit crimes of ignorance and piety / And our world is a spectacle of mutual malady
I will return again, I'm sure.
Thank you for this. Very well done.
REALLY like this one. Thought-provoking. Last line is great!
It's unique to have it alternately shift from pairs of "it doesn't happen here" to "it happens there" and winds down with impact to the two in the last stanza ... kind of like echoes of truth that bounce off the untruths.
Wouldn't change a thing there, and definitely think your ideas are great just where they are!
But on just a few select lines you might be right to do a touch of fine tuning on the prosody if you're feeling it, for a little more fluidity or semantic impact. You know how it is, when too many syllables or words get crunched tightly together in the same place, it starts to get a little funky and not in the good James Brown sort of way. ;)
That said, still of this poem I am a fan!
Posted 8 Years Ago
8 Years Ago
Thanks, im glad you liked it. I agree that it could use a little tweaking in places. Theres a few li.. read moreThanks, im glad you liked it. I agree that it could use a little tweaking in places. Theres a few lines i would definitely like to replace and some that just need a litte trimming. Thanks for the feedback :)