journal entry 9.11.2016

I am so f*****g stupid, I made a mess of things tonight, I wish I knew how to control my anger better I wish I could learn not to say things that I don't mean but I  keep doing the same s**t over and over again.  I am laying here and realizing why I'll never be good enough for her and it's because I don't know how to control my anger and I always say the wrong things.  It's all my fault I am the problem and I have no idea who to talk to about how to change. I want to change I want to be that guy she falls asleep thinking about who she wakes up to wondering if I had a good night sleep. I want to be the first guy she calls when she's having a s****y day and the one who can put a smile on that pretty little face of hers.  I am thinking really hard about going to see a doctor and going back on meds, maybe getting some mood relaxers maybe that will help me some.  Today was the longest day I think I went without dipping and I still haven't dipped yet since I tried opening the can and I wasn't holding onto well enough.... damn thing went all over the front lawn.  Kelsey is right about something though I really don't need it but I want it badly I crave it.  I crave it but not as much as I crave being loved, I want someone to love me and never let go no matter how bad I get,  my parents say they love me but when it comes down to it they really don't care.  Why tell me hey we're here to talk to you and when I'm about to say something you turn back on the TV?  This is why I don't talk to them and even if I do talk to them they want to piss me off and argue with me about s**t they don't know.  As of talking to people it's hard to talk to Kelsey about things I really don't know why but I don't want her to see how broken I am I don't want her to know that for the last 2 months I have been getting hit by my depression.  I can't figure out what is making it come back but seeing her it calms me down even if we're fighting my depression still goes away for a bit because she is around me.  I told her she means more to me than she will ever know and this is part of the reason, something about being around her just calms my depression. The last few days I've been dealing with depression and finding out that not only did my friend ask if he could borrow money for gas I was stupid enough to give him my debit card that he went off and went to a night club and I'm guessing drank cause of the bill and than used it at f*****g main event.  Like if he had told me hey do you mind if I used it here and here I'd have no problem with it but he thinks it was totally okay to steal my s**t and he thinks there's not going to be any reprucations but there is.  I am sick and tired of people thinking they can walk all over me and me not doing a damn thing about it.  I haven't quite figured out how to handle this without going to jail as an option but I don't want to deal with cops.  Think I am gonna go to bed I am feeling tired and I have no idea what to do right now.  I tried cutting but not only did that make me feel worse but both my new knifes are dull asf all I ended up doing leaving some red marks and a not deep cut.