Journal entry 15

It's 2.38pm and I'm sitting here at church with a lot of things on my mind. I tried reading some stuff written by members of the church but with everything that's bouncing around inside I just can't think straight. I walk around like everything is fine but deep down inside I want to end my life. I try to find things that are new that will push me to not want to end my life but I always come back to that corner where I want to end it all. My life isn't all that bad, we all have our problems but I'm at that point in my life I just do not care anymore. Everything I love is gone, I try to meet new people but they always just bounce out, I spend most of my time alone with my thoughts. Randomly I hate Christmas.... several Christmases ago I took a handful of pills and washed it all down with a bottle of vodka, to my surprise I woke up the next morning. Felt like utter crap and was pissed that I didn't die. I took enough pills to put someone in a coma..... it feels like it's impossible for me to just die. If I do decide to end my life it will be another attempt number like 78 and I want it to be on Christmas eve. Idk what it is about wanting to die on Christmas but I guess it was because it used to be my favorite holiday when my whole family came together and for an hour or 2 we were whole we didn't argue and it was nice. Maybe instead of popping back a ton of pills I'll gun my car to the top speed and drive it straight into a wall and pray that is crumbles up so I die instantly. Pills would be nice to die on but the thought of going in my sleep I don't think I could do that. I would have no idea what was real or what was fake. Shoot for all I know I am in a coma now and all of this is fake and than I'll wake up to find out I've been asleep for 10 years. Who really knows. Sometimes I wish that I'll just wake up and everything was just a dream that all this is fake. Well I am coming back in a bit when I can collect my thoughts a bit more

Reviews

[standupdontcry]

You are not alone. My dear, we have all been there. You are right, everyone does have their problems. And there are different ways to deal with them. I do not know what your problems are, and I should not know. I believe you know this but life has its ups and downs - it never is a straight line. But you must keep holding on because you never know - what if the afterlife does not turn out to be what you expect? What if it is worse than what you are going through in the present? Do not think that your life is over. I promise you that you will find something that interests you, something that you will grow to love. That something may be the end of the rope that you hold on to or it just may be what pulls you out of the hole you have fallen in.