Journel entry 11

I am sorry for the pain I caused you tonight I was a bit over aggressive but by the end of the night we seemed fine.  All the sudden you send me a heart kiss emjoi and than one with a pill and knife.  Whenever you send those I get so upset,  I love you so much I don't understand why you want to die?  I am sorry I lied to you.  The only thing I have ever lied to you about was the dipping I am a pretty private person on some stuff.  No one has ever really given a damn about me and I am not used to feeling this kind of love from anyone.  I am scared that one day you will just get up and leave that I will never hear from you again.   Losing you would be like dying.  Tonight I didn't want you to see my room a mess I was hoping to get off from work early so I had time to clean up everything before you came over.  I have had less than 3 hours of sleep hadn't dipped since this morning and I was just getting more mad and more mad at myself.  Nictotine attacks at dinner I almost couldn't take it I almost left to go to the car to throw in a pinch but holding your hand made everything seem less shaky made everything less gray.  I have tried every method I can think of to quit and I honestly don't know how else to just stop.  Quitting cold turkey this first day isn't so bad but the second day is like someone crushing your lungs and wanting to just end it all to get the pain to go away.  The third day that's a really bad day,  everything will spin you will feel sick and want to throw up everything you see will make you feel aggressive.  After a week you will have some of the worst nightmares you could possibly think of.   I stopped for 6 months and I had daily dreams that where so haunting I didn't want to close my eyes and sleep.  I ended up not sleeping for almost 5 days because I didn't want to see these things.  I don't recommend dipping to anyone.  I DO NOT SMOKE at all.  I used to smoke but it hurt my lungs to the point I said f**k it and just quit.  The first time was the easiest. I have quit dipping maybe a dozen times but I keep going back to it because the people around me would smoke and it would trigger that lust for a quick pinch.  I want you to know I would do anything anything to quit to be able to not do it anymore.  Please help me please help me stop this.  I got home tonight and took a shower and ended up sitting in the bathtub with a razor blade pressed up against my wrist,  I was so scared you were going to leave me just like the rest, I want to be that boyfriend that best friend that you can trust that you can just be yourself around.  I want you to be happy and smile all the time.  I hope you go to your dads this weekend but not because of the sex we could have but because I get to take you home with me and wrap my arms around you tightly that you are going to be there when I wake up in the morning that I get to be the first person you smile at you look at that you share your first breathe with your first heart beat with your first touch with.  I want to know that your day is going to be better because you got to spend time with me.  I am going to seek help and hopefully a doctor can cure whatever is wrong with me but the only downfall is that they will say umm hmm... well here's a prescription for whatever it is that maybe causing it.  I don't want anymore damn pills, the last pills I took before the abilify made me feel like a zombie I felt trapped inside my mind nothing felt real.  Sometimes I feel like I am still on the pills and this is all just a dream because you're so unreal,  You're the first person to put a real smile on my face the first person to care about me to take the pills from me and say no, the only one who told me everything will be okay and you don't need these things.  I am gonna try and sleep and maybe one day you will stumble upon this and read it.