Journel entry 10.5

I am not sure what is goin on with my girl.  I worry about her a lot. Tonight was going fine and than she all the sudden just got depressed out of the blue.  All I want to do is hold her tightly again.  I love my baby,  There's nothing more that I want than for her to be by my side.  I really hope she is better tomorrow and that we can go on this date.  I know she will be very happy.  I am taking her to this Japanese place by my house that cooks in front of you.  They cook steaks that literally melt in your mouth, afterwards I am going to take her out for ice cream.  Even though I shouldn't ingest dairy at all it'll be worth the pains in my stomach cause I'll get to share it with the love of my life.  So last night I fucked up and my bi polar kicked in ten fold.  I ended up losing my ring at some point during the night when I was closing up.  I am so frustraded that I lost it,  not having it on my finger feels like a part of me died.  I wore that ring even when I slept at night.  Having it on all the time made me feel closer to her when she wasn't around.  She asked me what I'd do if she lost her ring, I said cry.  I would literally break down,  I know it's just a material thing but it signifies the love I have for her and with that ring I will never leave.  Even if she lost it I would still never leave her.   I do look up to her she's the one who pushed me to go back to school.  If I do end up asking her to marry me and she says yes I want to be able to provide enough for us to have a roof over her head and food in her belly.  I will starve for a week if it means she is getting the foods she needs to get through the week.  I flipping love her I care about her.  I hope she opens her eyes wide enough to see this that she will see that I am not a cheater like the rest of them that I will always stay faithful to her.  I have been cutting back on my dipping and I do a 50/50 spilt, half real half fake crap and it tastes so damn bad.  But that is the point to get me to quit faster.  I don't dip when I am around her and the amount of pain I go through to hide it from her she will never know.  Every time I crave I go through this weird stage of first numbness, than I have an anexity attack, than it feels like I am about to die, than my muscles tense up and I start getting aggravated more easily about the dumbest of things, and the last stage I get sick and shaky like someone has just grabbed my arms and is shaking me for a long time.  But it is worth it because I don't want to dip next to her I don't want her to see it she knows I do it but if she saw me doing it I feel like she would just be to grossed out to ever kiss me again or love me the same way.  Maybe I am over thinking things I don't know but she tries to help me and I love her for that.  I do need to buy some mints that I can just suck on during work.  There's this kid at my work who started dipping and I feel like he looks up to me and he wants to do it because I do.  I am hoping if I do stop he will too.  It isn't something cool it isn't something to be proud of doing, it's down right gross and highly addicting.  He gave me his can at work and asked me to hold onto it for him.  He went through nearly a whole can within a 12 hour period and that really isn't good for you.  I regret giving his can back to him at the end of the night I should've just kept it and told him he needs to quit using it and explain the dangers of what he's doing.  I hope my girlfriend will keep helping me quit she's my rock.  Changing the subject she asked me if I was gay! I am not gay not at all.  I just wrote a very long paragraph about why I am the way I am but I just can't do it, I can't push myself to let the whole world know I am not ready yet.  I think I should ask Alex what to do before telling my girlfriend about this because I honestly don't know how she would take it.  I don't even know if I am ready to even tell anybody about my super deep dark secret.  My dad would feel ashamed of me and I don't know how mom would take it and my brother he's already a f*****g dousche bag and knowing him he will go around and tell everyone and if that happened I would probably kill myself.  I know you shouldn't feel ashamed about who you are and people will still love you, they'll still love you but they won't look at you in the same way the way you used to be and I can't do that I can't give into these urges.  I have hidden this secret so long that I have so much pain and hatred inside me.  I don't know what to do anymore or how to make it stop.  If someone told me here take this pill and all these urges you have will go away and you will forget they ever existed I would take it in a heart beat I would take it so I can forget.  I am done for tonight I am gonna go to bed less than 5 hours I need to wake up for work.  I hope to see my baby tomorrow it will make everything better