Journel entry 8

So me and the girlfriend where talking about some stuff about condoms and such, anyways she happened to mention what if a girl gets pregnant? I really am not to worried about that since I have only gotten one person I've been with pregnant and we were trying to have a kid at the time.  March is not an easy month for me cause it was in march 7 years ago when I lost my kid.  It's a touchy subject I don't discuss with anybody not even my parents.  Sorta mentioned a small bit to my girlfriend but I don't think she really cared to listen and I didn't really feel like going into details about it.  Most people who've lost a kid will understand where I am coming from.  So moving on... She showed up randomly to my house and we ended up making cupcakes so that was pretty fun than we had another stupid argument kind of like thing that ruined the day and than things I guess got better.  I never mentioned to her why I don't like being punched and it is due to the fact that my rapist beat me while making me do things to him.  Ever since than I don't like getting into fist fights. If I throw to many punches I'll have a black out. Well last night I have no idea what happened but I mentioned something to my girlfriend if I cried and she said yes. Not something I really wanted to do in front of her and I have no idea what I said to her. I seriously hope I didn't say anything about being raped or the beatings and such.  I am not going into any details about that one and it's something I really don't want to talk about to anyone about or really care to share with anyone who might be on this reading my journal entries.  She wants to help me I know she does but the pain of being raped is just to much for me to talk about while not being on some type of anti depressant.  She took my abilify and I didn't realize she stuck it in plain sight and my mother found them and took them.  She doesn't mind that I self medicate but as long as I promised her I'd only take one,  Sorry I can't promise that I'd only take one of those a day,  Sometimes I need two or three just to get by.  The days are easier when I am working with my girlfriend cause I know if something is wrong a hug will lift me up out of the darkness and back into the light.  Without her I seriously am lost in the world.  Hell I would've done something bad if not worse to myself if it wasn't for her helping me get out of the bad place I was in.  Sometimes I buy her roses and give them to her either when I drop her coffee off or she's working.  They signified the amount of beauty she brings into my life and the love I have for her.  When she spoils me with candy or food it totally rocks and someone had said dude "you give her expensive things and she gives you candy". My answer will always be it is the smaller things in life that are the best and the fact she took the time out of her busy day to even bring me something is just perfect.  I'd take a kiss a hug or just staring deep into her eyes as a special gift.  I don't expect anything from her except for her love and understanding and the promise that I am her one and only.  She's a little piece of heaven that I have come to love and adore.  We may not be the most perfect couple out there but I love her just the way she is.  If there's one thing I'd change about her it be matching cars, speaking of which I need to buy my cell phone case so we are matching.  I am not even gonna tell her I bought it just so she will get all surprised.  So I have this ring I barley taken it off all day or for the week for that matter. I feel so weird without having it on and feel like a part of me is lost without it.  We took them off when we did the cupcakes but I had to go put mine back on because it straight up just felt weird not having it on.  I am fricking hungry, I really want some taco bell but to damn tired now to even drive safely there. Time to go search the closet for strawberry poptarts.