Journel entry 5

I don't know what to do anymore.  Hopefully today will be better I get to see her at 4 maybe.  If she lets me hug her I don't think I am going to be able to let go, I don't want her to see me cry not again.  Have to be strong for the both of us. Think this maybe the longest we have gone without seeing each other and it f*****g sucks. I can't wait till she graduates I hate the people at her school who treat her like s**t it makes me sick to my stomach.   She's my bestfriend my only real friend.  I have a work friend but we don't ever hangout and do stuff.  I pretty much got rid of everyone else cause I'm just tired of there life style.  If I got around to it and started to deleting everyone from facebook that I don't know or not family I'd have my girlfriend and maybe 50 people. Guess it wouldn't matter anyways since I never talk to my family anyways.  It's like how hard is it to take 5 seconds to just say hi how are you doing?  My uncle hates me I never knew why and I still don't know why.  I used to be really close to one of my cousins. Me and her were pretty much more brother and sister than cousins.  Every time we went to Utah I couldn't wait to see her.  Than we just lost touch. She has a family now and really pretty kids. Other than her I was never really that close to anyone else. I guess I kind of was close to Jeff and Jermy but they got older and started their lives.  I remember this one time I was up at my Aunts house. Me, Jeff, Jermy, and a few of their friends let me get into their poker game.  They cleared the board and we played for cookies. I miss the small stuff like that. I was 12 at the time.  I am pretty sure they let me win a few hands nobody is that lucky.  I remember a few years later we played tackle football in the backyard that was fun considering it was pretty dangerous to even be doing that in the first place with all the giant rocks and water system sticking out of the ground.  Anyways I miss the old days when we always went up there to visit family.  I had the 2 cutest cousins in the whole world I had no idea it had been soo long since we had last went up there cause one just turned 12 and the other was 14.  I thought maybe they were 8 and 10 still at that super fun age where you can teach them something awesome.  So I have been working on not dipping and that has made me more irritable I may just pop a pouch in an hour before I see my girl just so I am not so irritable.  The only thing I'll miss from not dipping anymore is the fact that it suppresses my appetite so I can lose weight.  No one will ever know how I kept all this weight off for so long.  My dad thinks I throw it up and my mom thinks I am taking pills.  Well they'll never know it's because of the dip.  I feel hungry all I have eaten since the last time I saw my girl was a salad and a tender.  I wanted to tell her the other night that I made my first milkshake at work not like she would care or anything I just got happy from the fact it was dead inside and Philip let me make a customers milkshake and it looked so damn good. When she tells me that she's proud of me my heart stops and I feel so happy inside.  Must share, she passed her TSI test I couldn't be any prouder of her.  I am so happy she passed it.  I knew she could do it, if she would take her time and think real hard she will pass every time.  I was never a huge fan of school the constant bullying pushed me into cutting and drinking and doing drugs so I wouldn't remember the day before or the s****y week I had. I am done for the night gonna try and sleep if that is even possible.