Journel entry 3

Earlier today I wrote an entry of things I wish I could've never said.  I tried to delete in on my cell but it just wouldn't delete for some reason. All I could think about was her. I bought this ring so I can feel closer to her.  I don't want to give up on her I can't, I love her so f*****g much. She is literally everything to me. She was telling me she was going to cut and I was so f*****g scared I couldn't even concentrate at work anymore.  The days we spend together are the best days of my life.  She's the only one who sees me for me.  I miss my angel I miss seeing her face I miss looking into her eyes I miss her smell, her touch, her love, I miss her hugs, most of all I miss just laying with her in bed and holding her.  I want to fall asleep and wake up knowing she is still in my arms.  I can't live with out her I really can't.  She told me she had her heart checked today and I just kept thinking please don't be anything bad, if anything bad were to happen to her I don't think I could go on living anymore.  I really don't think she knows how much I care about her.  Sometimes I say stupid s**t and it annoys her I don't mean to I'm just not used to being treated good.  All my ex's where pretty much cheaters or manipulated me in some fucked up way.  I trust her with my life.  I don't like the fact she goes through my cell only because I feel like she just doesn't trust me.  Why would I cheat on someone so perfect?  The first time in my life I found someone who I know won't run off with some other dude.  She has these old scars on her leg from when she used to cut, I kiss them because no matter how many scars she has she will always be my angel she will always be beautiful to me.  I hate that she is in so much pain right now, wish I could just take all of her pain away.  I wish I had money so that I could just come get her and just drive away with her.  Can barely f*****g type my eyes are filled with so much damn tears.  I know she will never read this but I wish she could so I could tell her how much she means to me and how badly I need her.  I am nothing without her but just a dying rose on top of a hill waiting for her to come water me.  I used to never cry but she's changed me for the better and she doesn't even know how much I appricate her for helping me get over my fears and scars.  I was looking at my wrist on the way to work and I saw my suicide scar about cried in my car driving. I was drunk one night and took a knife and just cut had no idea that I pretty much was lucky that I completely missed everything. I look back at my life and of all the s****y things that have happened I really am glad I didn't die or I would've missed finding the most wonderful girl I could meet.  I think about the first time we talked at work, I honestly don't remember what we said but I remember that smile you gave me and right than and there I knew that today was going to be a good day.  I got home and unloaded my gun and tossed it in the drawer, I was still depressed but I couldn't stop thinking about her smile and how much it brightened my day.  My last pistol I had was an FN40. I finally had one I loved it shot it a few times than started getting depressed again I seriously hate having depression it f***s everything up.  My girl asked me to get rid of it so I did. She was right I don't need a gun, she takes my knifes all the time and tells me I don't need them and she's right. I don't need them because she's my knight in shining armor. I know that saying is for guys and what not but she has saved my life many times and she just doesn't know it.  I got her this promise ring it is so beautiful it looks so perfect on her finger, one day I really want to marry this girl she is my soul, my mind, my thoughts, my breathe, my sun, my moon, my stars.  She is my whole life, She pushed me to get my s**t done at acc and without that push I'd be just another f*****g loser with no college education who works as a cook for minimal wage. I want a good job that pays the bills that pays for us to eat to go on vacations together to make more beautiful moments together.  This one night I took her to my favorite spot and we just stargazed and than we kissed and I didn't want that night to end it wasn't what I was expecting when I took her there but I'm glad we shared that kiss together, every time we kiss it's like being placed at that exact moment in time where everything just stops and we're thrown back to that first night.  She got offline and didn't read this message I left her but it said "I'm about to cry saying this" ( broke down typing this and right after I popped onto this to just write down everything) "But every time I look into your eyes I fall in love with you all over again.  My heart stops dead in its tracks because every morning I wake up knowing I have you in my life. The one most beautiful thing I have the only thing that matters in my life is knowing you're in it".  I love my girlfriend so much I hope she knows that. What I said before was just the ramblings of someone who was mad and just a bunch of s**t. I don't even remember half the s**t I said and I can't stress enough about how much I hate myself for writing that. It sucks not having friends yea people want to hangout with me but only if I drink with them, I'm done with that s**t, or people just want a ride somewhere and than I don't hear from them for weeks even months. I'm just rambling on, my girl is right I do talk to much haha. I think  I'm gonna end this with a quote from one of my favorite poems.

I am the master of my fate

I am the captain of my soul