Journel entry 2

So I'm talking to my girlfriend and I asked her if she has noticed a change in my mood and she goes " yeah you're being a dick". So I guess now It's time to quit self medicating with these pills I've been taking to help me with my bipolar and depression. But than again these pills have been making me have more suicidal thoughts but I'm happy. I hate anti depressents, they "claim" to "help" you get over depression but what they don't tell you is that you will be more suicidal.  Would I kill myself no and the reason for that is because well I don't really want to die but I also am very much in love with my girlfriend who I wouldn't want to leave this earth for. If something bad where to ever happen to her I don't think my heart could handle it. Whenever we get into our mini feuds I drive home sad and wishing I could just hold her tightly until we both fall asleep and wake up in the morning still holding each other.  She makes me feel loved and she tells me she loves me the way I am.  She's been helping me gain more wait cause she's tired of watching me starve myself so I am eating for her even though I don't want to eat something.  Today my dad asked me what I bought from kay and I told him I got her a ring.  I was surprised to didn't say much on the whole thing. I am even more surprised he didn't even say something about my ring since I was flashing it in front of his face the whole damn time at lunch. So I decided to do these journal entry things to help me just get stuff off my chest, it's hard for me to just say things.  Everyone keeps telling me I need to use my words and tell people what's wrong but nobody really gives two f***s about what I tell them. My girl seems to be the only one who acutally gives a damn about me. My friend Josh asked if I wanted to go out and do stuff with him but I always just blow him off and he gets all butt hurt about it and calls me a f*g or some other bullshit or says I'm lame. Where was he when I needed a friend?  We quit talking for 2 f*****g years 2 years not once did he call and wish a happy birthday or see how I was doing. On his birthday I would tell him happy birthday and once last year on his birthday I asked if he wanted to go get a beer with me and said he was tired and him and lisa are just gonna go watch Netflix. Yeah that was a straight up lie they where having a big a*s party which they didn't want me there and now all the sudden Lisa wants me to go out with her and Josh and do things together like old times.  I'm sorry but I've tried and it will never be like old times I grew the f**k up.  They want to get drunk almost daily and I'm not into that life style anymore and my girlfriend doesn't want me drinking so that helps.  I have a drinking problem I can't just have one drink, I tell myself ok one glass and than that glass turns into another which turns into a bottle later and me waking up like I failed.  I am tired of telling myself no I won't do that but end up doing it.  I kept telling myself I'm going to acc but end up never doing it and than my girlfriend pretty much called me a loser and not knowing that she was just pushing me I thought she was being serious and so I got up and went and I am so proud of myself for going. All I need to do now is just pay for my classes and get started. I hope to see her at acc too so we can have lunch together and see each other in the hallway.

We met up at work a bit ago and went to tropical smoothie. I have been missing her like crazy and I am so happy I got to see her. I love my baby so much, so she took my knifes and told me I'm not allowed to play with them anymore :(. But anyways I guess I am gonna go and watch a movie and wait for her to get off work so I can take her clothes back to her.