Butter, The Root Of All Evil

An exaggerated poem based on a silly argument my wife and I once had. We can be so stupid, but very funny, sometimes.

Butter, The root of all evil

a poem by Chris

In my morning haste

with no respect to the canners of this great confection

My knife left its little present for you

A huge cream-colored dollop of cancer you call Butter

In my many meetings with my underlings,

with our obsession to rule the world,

We chose to purposely leave some butter in the jelly

Defying all household rules and damning the consequences

For this evil was planned for months

with careful attention to details

Like: the use of Salted or Unsalted butter

Should I swipe it with the corningware knife or the expensive set we use for Thanksgiving

I am surprised you are still standing

for this frontal attack was of course meant to maim and destroy

I awoke that morning, went straight to the safe

and removed the evil plans that started a great household war

I arose early adorned by black ski mask and tiptoed across the kitchen floor

Gently I pulled back the Utility drawer

and removed my implement of holy terror

My filthy hands reached into our cupboard and removed the one item you must hold most sacred

No, not our wedding license, our grape jelly jar

With you still reeling from my

wrinkling of the duvet, I knew it was time to strike

My household guerrilla tactics are legendary and to be feared and respected

I teemed with anticipation; for I knew you were next to open the jar

I giggled with glee; knowing you would furrow your brow

At the glob of goo that would not pass any TSA airport inspection

I went on with my day wondering if you

Were going to throw the whole jar away

Or cut away the tumor with the skill of a surgeon

For it is always my life mission to

hear screeching from the kitchen about my lack of butter control

I live for the start of my day to contain scolding words

Sometimes the toast and the animal cravings can’t be contained

I just want to apologize for my little slip of the knife

I am sure the economy, the war, death and taxes

Can be directly related to my little slip of the wrist in my morning fog

In the future I will try not to push the earth off of its axis so early in the morning

Dear, I love you. Please forgive my gastronomic error

Author's Note

This is an older piece from when I just picked back up my writing again. I am pretty weak in the style of humor. So, please be honest and let me know what you think of this one.

I just want to say right out front that the tone of this quick poem is a little harsh. I took this idea and pushed it way beyond what my wife has spoken to me on the matter. A writer goes to extremes and I thought pushing this in an insane direction would be more funny. This is meant to be humorous make us both smile. I probably will get punched by the wife for this one but, I just had to write about this. Sometimes we argue about the stupidest things. The story goes like this: She went off on my insensibility about morning condiments and I went into a dissertation about the God-given freedoms of being ABLE to put some butter on your jelly toast. We both need to chill out sometimes. Here is a little insight about our running butter war.

Reviews

[LiberScriptus]

Very interesting poem! I will admit- I was a little confused at first until I figured out that it was meant to be humor. But once I did, I found it to be very clever and witty, and its message right on point. So many times people get caught up in the smallest of things, although they usually are a reflection of a larger problem. I know that this poem must be very personal to you, so I will not speculate beyond what is given. Overall, I love your use of language and the way you structured it. Well done indeed!

[K.C. Zbryk]

I thought this piece was great and you made a wonderfully light heartd jest out of a meaningless argument. Just the thought of someone sculking through the house in the wee hours of the morning to deposit butter in the jelly is a great image. You had me smiling through the whole piece. Great job!

[Daytonight]

Lol! Well done with your humor! Keep on penning.

[Star Wolf]

Fights between couples can be just like this. Bickering over little pet peeves but they can be painful none the less. I always try not to go to bed angry because I wake up still mad and feel like crap. Better to make up and try to move past pet peeves is what I do. I appreciate this poem a lot, better to laugh at these silly fights later when no hurt feelings can happen. This is awesome!

[Wolf's Dark Song]

Ah, I like the humor. It seems when we get in fights with our loved ones, its often about little things like pet peeves but they sure can escalate into something huge.

[Coyote Poetry]

Butter is very good. Me and my old wife had battle over small things. Woman are creatures of mood and desire. I understand the story. Thank you for the excellent story.
Coyote

[Sleepless]

lol yeah its funny lol i get eh point altough now i want a butter with jel;ly sandwich :P love the imagery in thsi one :P

[J Todd Underhill]

A very funny well thought out piece, I can only imagine what her retaliatory strike was. Maybe using your razor on her legs. Women are sneaky that way. Keep fighting the good fight!

[FJ Davis]

Absurdity well-used here, Chris.
Enjoyed this piece.

[Broken Melody]

That was hilarious...but butter isnt evil its the worlds greatest invention. Its obvious that when you wrote this that you were trying to get into your groove.

[joshua deathdealer]

Ha ha nice work.