Cow Dodging

This is what a little creative driving can do. True story.

Cow Dodging

Written by T. L. O’Neal

 

     The 70’s were a carefree and more laidback time in my life. I enjoyed it, but if I knew what life would have in store for me later on in my future, I would have enjoyed it even more and appreciated what I had. Not that my life was all that bad, but there was a lot of things coming in my future that I just didn’t see happening or how things in my life would turn out.

 

     Whatever the case, it was in 1979 to the best of my recollection but it was in the early spring. I was riding around one night with this girl that I was dating at the time, Ginger was her name. It was a full moon and the air was crisp and clean. We were listening to Bad Company or some other 70’s music, which wasn’t that difficult since it was the 70’s anyways. I always considered myself a driving fool, and I’m not lying about that one bit either. I could do things with a car that most couldn’t even dream of. That being said, you know that God always looks after fools, even driving ones, and I was definitely foolish minded when it came to that.

 

    I was certainly a driving fool back then, how I survived is beyond me. I used to do all kinds of stupid things when I was driving but I don’t suggest anyone else trying them. I mean they were pure dangerous when I think about it now, I would put the car in the wind and jump hills and railroad tracks, and that car would come off of all fours when I did it too. I would even cut the lights out at night and run stop signs and jump crossroads, and I even took a few curves on two wheels before. It didn’t scare me so much but it sure made those boys riding with me mess up their drawers. I was a regular Evil Knievel I tell you, except with four wheels of course and I didn’t get paid for any of it either. I did get some recognition from my friends that rode with me but I can’t say what they called me. Looking back, I can see now that I was always doing that stupid mess or something else because I have bipolar disorder. I didn’t know it at the time or had ever heard of it before either, but that’s why I think I did all that stuff.

 

    Anyways as I was saying, I thought I was pretty cool, driving with one hand on the stick and one thrown over the top of the steering wheel like those guys on TV and on the movies. I know in driver’s ed they tell you to use the 2 and 10 position, but the only people I’ve ever seen drive like that was somebody’s grandma. And I sure wasn’t anybody’s damn grandma.  Now, my car probably wasn’t the coolest make there ever was, it was a Gremlin by the way, but I had it fixed up pretty nice I thought. I had the back-end jacked up, front-end lowered, with Keystone rims, had put a Hurst shifter in the floor and one hell of a sound system. It was so big in fact that I had to take out the backseat to accommodate all of the speakers. So it was pretty cool to me, damn cool. But you know the old saying, “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” Well, it’s true I guess but at least I tried to.

 

    On that faithful night as we were riding out in the country, jamming out, going a little too fast and enjoying ourselves too much too probably. We went down this back road and it was one that we’ve been down a hundred times before. It was a curvy and hilly road and was always a fun one to drive a little extra fast on too I might add. Anyway, as we got to the top of this hill with the music blaring and me in my cool driving position as we crested that hill. And as we started going over the other side and around that curve, there were about 10 to 12 black cows with only a white diamond on their foreheads all over that road. Those things were here and yonder, and just peppering the other side of that hill.

 

    Now I always liked cows, with their big sweet eyes, and long lashes. They would just stand there chewing their cud and be so peaceful and content while flicking their tails, it pure made you feel good just to look at them. But that was before tonight. Those damn beasts were lit with the moonlight with steam coming out of their nostrils and their eyes glowing from the headlights, they looked like the damn devil himself. Demon cows I tell ya. When Ginger saw them she started screaming bloody murder and she hit the deck, I’m not talking about a little either, I mean she was balled up into the floor of that car. If she could have went any further, she would have been up inside the dash. That wouldn’t have been that hard either being that she was only 5 ft. 2”. I on the other hand, got this stupid grin on my face like I always did on such occasions and my eyes flashed gold and I was ready to go.

 

    Now a normal person put in a situation such as this would hit their brakes. Me on the other hand, not being a normal person by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, I gunned the engine and floored it. I was going as fast as that car would go. With the music blaring, Ginger screaming and me in my cool driving position, I was up for the challenge and loving every minute of it too. I wove in and out of those cows like Grandma’s quilting needle. I went left, then right, back and worth, then this way and that. The car was a racing and my mind was too. I was having the time of my life but I couldn’t say the same for poor little Ginger. Everything else seemed to slow down into a crawl in my mind but the car was still flying, I could of even counted the eyelashes on those cows’ eyes as I went by if I wanted to. I did look one in the eye though as I went by, but he seemed not to care or I was just going so fast that it didn’t even register in his little brain that I was coming through. Once we got to the bottom of that hill, I stopped the car while I was still in another world, full of adrenaline and with that stupid damn grin still on my face. All that screaming that was still going on finally brought me back to my senses. I happened to look back knowing what we just went through, and I want you to know that those cows were still standing right where they were to begin with. Chewing on their cuds and swishing their tails like nothing had even happened. I still couldn’t believe all this had just happened either to tell you the truth.

 

    Anyway, I calmed Ginger down telling her everything was all right and all, and then I told her to look behind us. She got up out of the floorboard with tears in her eyes and the worst case of pillow head you ever did see. I guess that came from holding her head so tight when she was screaming. She looked back and saw those cows just standing there, chewing their cuds; oblivious to what had just transpired. So she just started laughing and crying in one of those I can’t believe it ways. It was kind of like those people that win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes that you see on TV. She just couldn’t believe it and to tell you the truth, I couldn’t either. It was one of those one in a million shots. The only thing that I did notice out of sorts was that my side mirror on the driver’s side was turned in just a hair. I must of grazed one of those cows when I was dodging around those bovine b******s. It must have been so slight that it didn’t feel like anymore than a tickle to whichever stupid cow that I just happened to have grazed.

 

    That was 28 years ago; boy do I feel old now, but every time I run into Ginger, it usually comes up about that night. We still think about it with a lot disbelief and amusement, it was a great moment in driving history for sure.

 

     I still like to think that a lot of it was because of my driving skills and cat-like reflexes, or it had to be some kind of bona-fide miracle or something like that. Or maybe they just had to be some of the stupidest cows that ever lived. Whatever it was, we sure were lucky that night, but you can’t forget what I said earlier. That God always looks after fools, even driving ones. He sure was that night.

 

Reviews

[Bubo]

What a night!!!Must have felt like an unreal experience!
You write with such wit, your descriptions of Ginger hiding and screaming were so vivid and the poor docile cows!!Well......"demon cows"............ha!Love that!
And the title sold it to me!!!
I love your stories and don't care about typo errors!Its whats IN the words!!
GREAT!

[Kevin Connolly]

I think it was definitely a miracle, Terry. God was saving you so you could tell the tale of that night's incredible events. Poor Ginger!
My favourite lines:

God always looks after fools, even driving ones, and I was definitely foolish minded when it came to that.
thought I was pretty cool, driving with one hand on the stick, and one thrown over the top of the steering wheel like those guys on TV and on the movies. I know in driver�s ed they tell you to use the 2 and 10 position, but the only people I�ve ever seen drive like that was somebody�s grandma.
Those damn beasts were lit with the moonlight with steam coming out of their nostrils and their eyes a glowing from the headlights. They looked like the damn devil himself. Demon cows I tell ya.
I wove in and out of those cows like grandma�s quilting needle.
It was a great moment in driving history for sure.

Great story.

[Antony]

Hey T, Another laugh my a*s off story. You are so funny telling these stories. I use to spend my summers on my grandfathers farm when I was a kid, and you are right about them big a*s animals not moving, and they do stare in your eyes without flinching. Nice write T.
Tony

[Wulfstan Crumble]

Man, you have the best titles for your stories. I loved this piece for several reasons. Firstly i love 70s music like Slade, Led Zeppelin, Bad Company, The Who and i shouldnt go on. lol. Secondly because you reminded me of a village near my home town. Its called Michinhampton (Princess Anne lives there). Anyhow this village has a Common nearby which combines small roads, archaeological features, a golf course and cows, lots of cows. Its also in the middle of the Cotswold hills so theres plenty of slopes round the edges. There are many cow stories and im not talking about wayward golf shots hitting them between the eyes...

One was the cow which took a walk on some icy streets... slipped down a hill, sped down the ice on its a*s and crashed into a car parked at the bottom in Amberly. The car was completely crushed but the cow just got up and walked off.

However, the thing your great piece reminded me of the most was a guy who tried Cow Dodging. Though he werent no cool 70s Driving Fool. He ploughed his car right into the side of this really big fat Jersey cow. These are the giant biffers who like to play "Whats the time Mr.Wolf" with me when i go walking. The car's speed liquidated the cows innards...and the driver drowned in molten cow juice... not a good end for one Driving Fool.

[Conspiration Libre D'es..]

Hey, I drove around a corner once and was confronted with one cow in the middle of the road that I had no choice but to hit. You are right about the staring eye. It pierced through me as though I wasn't there and then the animal walked off unharmed. Car had a small dent and if it had fallen on it, I wouldn't be writing this. If we ever meet I'd like some cow avoidance lessons! Loved it!

[Barry S. Maltese]

I don't know, T, maybe he was looking after the cows . . .LoL . . . cute story. You keep it moving and enjoyable. I couldn't help but laugh as the scene played out in my head. Great job!

[Taja B.]

As usual, I really liked this story! It was very funny, well written, and it kept my interest from beginning to end. Plus I especially loved the part when you described the cows. Demon cows!!hahaha!lol...
Well anyways, I thought that this is a great story! Great job on this!

[Michael Carr]

And I sure won�t nobody�s damn grandma---- think you mean 'wasn't'overall it's very good, not my favorite of yours but an enjoyable little story with some very funny moments. nice job T.