Cow Dodging

This is what a little creative driving can do. True story.

Cow Dodging

Written by T. L. O’Neal

 

     The 70’s were a carefree and more laidback time in my life. I enjoyed it, but if I knew what life would have in store for me later on in my future, I would have enjoyed it even more and appreciated what I had. Not that my life was all that bad, but there was a lot of things coming in my future that I just didn’t see happening or how things in my life would turn out.

 

     Whatever the case, it was in 1979 to the best of my recollection but it was in the early spring. I was riding around one night with this girl that I was dating at the time, Ginger was her name. It was a full moon and the air was crisp and clean. We were listening to Bad Company or some other 70’s music, which wasn’t that difficult since it was the 70’s anyways. I always considered myself a driving fool, and I’m not lying about that one bit either. I could do things with a car that most couldn’t even dream of. That being said, you know that God always looks after fools, even driving ones, and I was definitely foolish minded when it came to that.

 

    I was certainly a driving fool back then, how I survived is beyond me. I used to do all kinds of stupid things when I was driving but I don’t suggest anyone else trying them. I mean they were pure dangerous when I think about it now, I would put the car in the wind and jump hills and railroad tracks, and that car would come off of all fours when I did it too. I would even cut the lights out at night and run stop signs and jump crossroads, and I even took a few curves on two wheels before. It didn’t scare me so much but it sure made those boys riding with me mess up their drawers. I was a regular Evil Knievel I tell you, except with four wheels of course and I didn’t get paid for any of it either. I did get some recognition from my friends that rode with me but I can’t say what they called me. Looking back, I can see now that I was always doing that stupid mess or something else because I have bipolar disorder. I didn’t know it at the time or had ever heard of it before either, but that’s why I think I did all that stuff.

 

    Anyways as I was saying, I thought I was pretty cool, driving with one hand on the stick and one thrown over the top of the steering wheel like those guys on TV and on the movies. I know in driver’s ed they tell you to use the 2 and 10 position, but the only people I’ve ever seen drive like that was somebody’s grandma. And I sure wasn’t anybody’s damn grandma.  Now, my car probably wasn’t the coolest make there ever was, it was a Gremlin by the way, but I had it fixed up pretty nice I thought. I had the back-end jacked up, front-end lowered, with Keystone rims, had put a Hurst shifter in the floor and one hell of a sound system. It was so big in fact that I had to take out the backseat to accommodate all of the speakers. So it was pretty cool to me, damn cool. But you know the old saying, “You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” Well, it’s true I guess but at least I tried to.

 

    On that faithful night as we were riding out in the country, jamming out, going a little too fast and enjoying ourselves too much too probably. We went down this back road and it was one that we’ve been down a hundred times before. It was a curvy and hilly road and was always a fun one to drive a little extra fast on too I might add. Anyway, as we got to the top of this hill with the music blaring and me in my cool driving position as we crested that hill. And as we started going over the other side and around that curve, there were about 10 to 12 black cows with only a white diamond on their foreheads all over that road. Those things were here and yonder, and just peppering the other side of that hill.

 

    Now I always liked cows, with their big sweet eyes, and long lashes. They would just stand there chewing their cud and be so peaceful and content while flicking their tails, it pure made you feel good just to look at them. But that was before tonight. Those damn beasts were lit with the moonlight with steam coming out of their nostrils and their eyes glowing from the headlights, they looked like the damn devil himself. Demon cows I tell ya. When Ginger saw them she started screaming bloody murder and she hit the deck, I’m not talking about a little either, I mean she was balled up into the floor of that car. If she could have went any further, she would have been up inside the dash. That wouldn’t have been that hard either being that she was only 5 ft. 2”. I on the other hand, got this stupid grin on my face like I always did on such occasions and my eyes flashed gold and I was ready to go.

 

    Now a normal person put in a situation such as this would hit their brakes. Me on the other hand, not being a normal person by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, I gunned the engine and floored it. I was going as fast as that car would go. With the music blaring, Ginger screaming and me in my cool driving position, I was up for the challenge and loving every minute of it too. I wove in and out of those cows like Grandma’s quilting needle. I went left, then right, back and worth, then this way and that. The car was a racing and my mind was too. I was having the time of my life but I couldn’t say the same for poor little Ginger. Everything else seemed to slow down into a crawl in my mind but the car was still flying, I could of even counted the eyelashes on those cows’ eyes as I went by if I wanted to. I did look one in the eye though as I went by, but he seemed not to care or I was just going so fast that it didn’t even register in his little brain that I was coming through. Once we got to the bottom of that hill, I stopped the car while I was still in another world, full of adrenaline and with that stupid damn grin still on my face. All that screaming that was still going on finally brought me back to my senses. I happened to look back knowing what we just went through, and I want you to know that those cows were still standing right where they were to begin with. Chewing on their cuds and swishing their tails like nothing had even happened. I still couldn’t believe all this had just happened either to tell you the truth.

 

    Anyway, I calmed Ginger down telling her everything was all right and all, and then I told her to look behind us. She got up out of the floorboard with tears in her eyes and the worst case of pillow head you ever did see. I guess that came from holding her head so tight when she was screaming. She looked back and saw those cows just standing there, chewing their cuds; oblivious to what had just transpired. So she just started laughing and crying in one of those I can’t believe it ways. It was kind of like those people that win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes that you see on TV. She just couldn’t believe it and to tell you the truth, I couldn’t either. It was one of those one in a million shots. The only thing that I did notice out of sorts was that my side mirror on the driver’s side was turned in just a hair. I must of grazed one of those cows when I was dodging around those bovine b******s. It must have been so slight that it didn’t feel like anymore than a tickle to whichever stupid cow that I just happened to have grazed.

 

    That was 28 years ago; boy do I feel old now, but every time I run into Ginger, it usually comes up about that night. We still think about it with a lot disbelief and amusement, it was a great moment in driving history for sure.

 

     I still like to think that a lot of it was because of my driving skills and cat-like reflexes, or it had to be some kind of bona-fide miracle or something like that. Or maybe they just had to be some of the stupidest cows that ever lived. Whatever it was, we sure were lucky that night, but you can’t forget what I said earlier. That God always looks after fools, even driving ones. He sure was that night.

 

Reviews

[Bubo]

What a night!!!Must have felt like an unreal experience!
You write with such wit, your descriptions of Ginger hiding and screaming were so vivid and the poor docile cows!!Well......"demon cows"............ha!Love that!
And the title sold it to me!!!
I love your stories and don't care about typo errors!Its whats IN the words!!
GREAT!

[Donna Jones]

That was a great story!!! thanks for this insight into your driving tactics!!!

[Kira Love]

LMAO WooHOOOO!! A gremlin??? WOOO That brought back memories. And cows, T, goddamn COWS!!! You're insane, man! Another fantastic story from the Story-Telling Man, himself. Just plain excellent!

[Sandy M. Mestdagh]

Looks like you very neer bored when you were younger. Cow dodging, well maybe they make it into a sport. This is hilarious. Definetaly a pick me upper if I needed one. Thanks for sharing this with me!

[C. Harter Amos]

You write some of the most hilarious descriptions of events...I loved "with the music blaring, Ginger screaming...", and "I wove in and out of those cows like grandma's quilting needle". I had fun going back to the '70s and dodging cows... Thanks for the laugh... - Mimi.

[James Conrad]

This was effing great. I loved how you told the story. A little more dialogue would certainly have helped bring it to life that much more, but overall, I still felt I was watching it take place. Those were some pretty mellow cows, man. We're talking serious Buddhist monk cows. Evel Knievel never thought about that one, either.

[Christy Hauck]

That sounds like something one of my friends would do and probably would have done already if we lived a bit more in the country. Gotta love it and thank every diety thought into existence that you survived it. The way you described the cows at first, "Those damn beasts were lit with the moonlight with steam coming out of their nostrils and their eyes a glowing from the headlights. They looked like the damn devil himself. Demon cows I tell ya.", made me think that the end result would have been a totaled car and rush to the ER.

[Cove Mitchell]

Yeah I would have peed myself! i have this thing about being a huge whiener when i'm not the one behind the wheel lol. That sounds like it was a lot of fun I wish I could have been there :).
Said it 100X and i'll say it again another perfect story through and through buddy.
Your Friend,
Reth

[Katie B]

Demon cows!! Lol that is fantastic. So how long did Ginger stay with you after you dodged the cows? Another wonderful installment from your past.

[Tom G]

Holy Cow Terry, You've done it again!

A poem or a tale told by Terry
Lifts us 'n makes us all feel merry
Forget the grammar and the case
Your wit brings us to a better place

good job, TomG

[Krystal Waters]

OMG! Another one to chalk up to TLONEAL history! lol Humerous, and the imagery was so clear as you walked... no drove me through the story! I tell you Terry, you get these pieces together and you can make some money. Your stories are just plain funny!


Kristine