The Great Possum Caper

The Great Possum Caper

Written by T. L. O’Neal

 

      It was in the springtime a couple years back and the grass was growing good, the trees were budding and showing their leaves too. Plus the flowers were growing and blooming in all shades of the colors of the rainbow, while the birds laid their eggs, and the furry critters were having their babies. All of nature was at work once more and people were getting out and doing their things.

 

     On one such night I was hanging out at the shop or somewhere I believe, the where escapes me at the moment. Anyways, the man that lives across the road came over to the house to use the computer. He always seemed to show up when I just so happen to be gone at night, why this was, I can’t rightly say. He was always alone there with my wife when the kids were asleep too. Makes me wonder about him a little. Maybe she was helping him with a problem or such, she was always good for stuff like that. She was always looking out for little critters that needed raising or helping people with their complex problems, whether it was relationships or something like that you know. She was always there to lend a helping hand and to help them out in a time of need.

 

     So this neighbor feller came over that night and went to the front door of the house as he usually did; we always use the backdoor by the way. He told my wife when he came in that there was this baby possum out there on the porch and that he thought it was dead. Seems my dogs had found a possum nest somewhere and had been killing the babies and bringing them home. This was the third one that they had brought, and the first two were DOA. So she took it and put it in a potted plant for me to bury it when I got home. I don’t know why she didn’t get him to bury it, it was the least he could of done since she was helping him out all the time, you know. Anyway, it wasn’t long after that, this little thing started moving about. I guess it was playing possum or sleeping real soundly to keep them dogs from killing him, so the wife called her brother.

 

    Now, her brother worked for a tree company and was always saving baby birds, possums, raccoons and squirrels and such. If there was a nest in a tree that had to be cut down in the spring, he would rescue them and raise them till they were old enough and then turn them back loose into the woods. He was always really good about such things and had a sweet heart about baby critters too. So he came over and put it in a box and took it back home with him. Of course home was a regular zoo of all kinds of animals and critters of just about everything you could think of, not to mention it was also one of the nastiest and most cluttered. Neighbors were forever calling animal control on him about all his dogs. He collected them like some kids collect marbles. 

 

     Anyway, he had this possum at his house for several days and then one day he called my wife all in a frantic.

 

He said,” You’ll never guess what happened, I came home and the box was open and it was gone.”

 

“What was gone?” She said.

 

“The possum! Someone broke in the house and stole that possum! They didn’t take anything else, just that!” He said in a frantic voice.

 

   My wife couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, but he was very serious about it all and believed it totally. Now I’ve heard of cat burglars, and I’ve heard of art thieves, but I’ve never heard of a possum pincher. I don’t know anyone who would go to all that trouble just to steal a possum. What’s even more of a mystery is how anyone would believe that someone would steal one of those stinking critters in the first place. But he did, and believed it with all his heart and soul too.

     

     First he was stole from his home and nearly killed by a couple of dogs. Then taken in a box to an unfamiliar nasty place full of other animals and then stole by a possum-pinching thief. I tell you what, that poor little feller had a hard life so far. Like I said, there wasn’t hide nor hair of that little possum seen or heard of either. Whether his theft was ever reported, I just can’t say. Well two to three weeks went by and we forgot about that poor little critter.

 

    Then one day my wife’s sister-in-law came over and started to tell this bizarre story about what happened earlier that morning. Seems she got up to shower for work around 3a.m. and when she got out of the shower she went to reach for a towel and on that towel rack…was some kind of critter. It scared her plum to death. She threw her nightgown back on as fast as she could, and she screamed for her husband two or three times before she tried to get out of that bathroom. Scared her so bad in fact that when she did try to run out of the bathroom, she got her nightgown hung on the doorknob and slipped and fell. Well she fought with that doorknob and gown till she got herself free and out of that bathroom. She ran and woke up her husband and he went to see what “this thing” was.

 

    He got to the bathroom and there on that towel rack just as pretty as you please, was that possum… the supposedly stolen possum that is. Now he didn’t look the same as he did she said. In three weeks time that possum had grown by leaps and bounds and had gained weight too, he was as pretty as a speckled puppy. You’re probably wondering how that little possum survived for those three weeks sight unseen and gained weight to boot, actually that little feller plum flourished. You really need to see the house to know, it’s probably the nastiest house you would ever want to see. It was a regular buffet for that little critter if you know what I mean, possums do eat rotten and dead things and roaches too I guess. That’s what they do, they’re one of nature’s scavengers.

 

    As the story went on as she told it, she knew something was going on in the house. Every night she would leave the water in the tub; don’t ask me why, I don’t know or really want to. Anyways, in the morning there would be little turds floating in the tub. She though the baby was getting in it and dropping a load each night for some damn reason or other.

 

    I can understand how nobody ever saw him around, with all the trash and things thrown about, it’s amazing that they ever did see that little feller at all. I would think that he would have been harder to find than a needle in a haystack. But I was always curious about what exactly that possum did and saw all of that time, and I would like to think if he could talk that he would give you an earful of some interesting and adventurous stories to boot. I do imagine that he missed the woods and the outside quite a bit too, and more than likely he missed the fresh air the most; I know I sure would have. But I suspect that he just wanted to be found so he could get out of that house.

 

   There was something similar that happened after that, it was sort of in the same vein as this I guess you could say. My wife’s mother had wanted a turtle, so my wife’s brother found her one about the size of a quarter and was going to keep it for her till she could come back down and get it sometime. He put it in a cup of water and somehow or another it got lost or misplaced. Anyways, they couldn’t find the little thing and with time just forgot about it completely. Then nine months later when his mother was down to visit from up north, his wife was going through the cabinets looking for a pot or something for she could make supper. And low and behold she came across that dish with the turtle still in it. Believe it or not, it was still alive with no water or food in all those months and larger too. That little turtle survived all that time on its own, living on nothing but cockroaches I guess, and he did very well at it too. I suspect that he just had to sit there in the plastic cup and wait for those roaches to come to him, since he wasn’t able to get out of it. I’m sure in enough time as he continued to grow; he would have eventually grown completely out of the cup and would then been able to venture out on his own some. It most of been a boring nine months for him just sitting in that cup in a dark cabinet, and waiting for a roach to come by. But it seemed to take it all in stride. Well, his mother took it back up north with her and it got sick right off of the bat. It seems that the turtle food just didn’t agree with its belly after it lived the majority of its life on cockroaches. Truth is stranger than fiction sometimes.

 

     Anyways, this whole caper or story if you will about the little possum is all just a bit peculiar to me, but it’s all true too, mind you. And I knew everyone involved in it also, with the possum being the exception of course. I didn’t ever have the pleasure to make his acquaintance. But the most interesting and confounding thing in all of this was that…I didn’t know that possums s**t in water.

 

  

 

Reviews

[Otto L.n. Pipgras]

not to parrot anyone but -- again, you've given the reader another great, funny story. You should really think about what Tony's suggesting below. Possum's s**t in water?...thats funny stuff...I'm assuming this is the same house that you wrote about in another story...with the swimming pool in the front yard. Keep em coming, T !

[Gordon Greene]

I don't know why that was so hard to believe! Some of my closest relatives have been possum-napped!
Many a time I've seen one of my kin walk towards the street never to return.

I take exception to a lot of stuff in this piece, actually... I only like my stuff half-rotten and can't stand the thought of eating a roach (blecchh!) Maybe the occasional maggot. But I have to admit I do like trash.
Who doesn't?

And as far as pooping in water... uhhh. Have you ever lifted the lid on that white thing in your bathroom?

I give you high marks for your literary talent for I, sir am a gentleman, and about an "F" on your possum etiquette!

Gordon

[Blackbirdsong]

What a great follow-up to the other story about your in-laws, T.L. I can see that lady fighting with the doorknob while scared to death. Guess I would've been too. Possum pincher...funny. No sentence structure issues in this write. Well done.

[~ Tex]

Bro, you crack me up! Samuel Lnaghorne Clemens is who comes to mind when I read your titles, like this one, and damn if he wouldn't be tickled pink and proud to read your stories! Whole truth or not, it matters little. The joy is in the story and the moral ain't far behind. Growing up in the Appalachian Mountains, I can honestly say, there was many a dull moment that now reads like A Night at The Apollo. LMAO Perhaps time and perspective have either altered the events or merely dusted off their true promise. LOL

[Pamela]

I can believe anything you write. If they're not true please don't ever tell me!

This is great again. If you don't get published them I'm going to have to copy them all off and bind them into my own private book because I want to share them with my non-writing friends and family.

[James K. Blaylock]

this one was another laugh riot. mainly when i hit this part mind you.

He got to the bathroom and there on that towel rack just as pretty as you please, was that possum, the supposedly stolen possum that is. Now he didn�t look the same as he did she said. In three weeks time that possum had grown by leaps and bounds and gained weight, and was as pretty as a speckled puppy. You�re probably wondering how that little possum survived for them three weeks sight unseen and gained weight to boot. Actually that little feller plum flourished. You really need to see the house to know, it�s probably the nastiest house you would ever want to see. It was a regular buffet for that little critter if you know what I mean, possums do eat rotten and dead things and roaches too I guess. That�s what they do, one of nature�s scavengers.

such a great and funny write to boot.

[Tawny O'hara]

OK I'll just review two stories in one here. I read the in-laws and this one. Hilareous as usual.

I went to Michigan, where my son lived because his ex wife is from Saganaw. Can't spell it. She had an uncle who raised pit bulls and they went to get a puppy from him. He was gone when we got there but there was a load of people there, I never found out why. They told us we could wait in the house, however there was no place to sit there. Bags of food were everywhere sitting in their wal mart bags. We decided to wait outside at the picnic table. He never showed so we left but my son's ex went back and got a puppy later. He was a sweet dog all his life, and his Grandma Tawny spoiled him for the first month of his life and he never forgot me. Saw him later after 5 years and he remembered me. Anyway.. I saw more rednecks in Michigan than I ever saw or met in Oklahoma and Kansas where I grew up. Those people made the people I knew look like harvard degreed people. I had never seen such living conditions before. I agree the rednecks aren't all in the south or southwest. I think they moved north.

[Wicked Irish]

"Anyways in the morning there would be little turds floating in the tub. She though the baby was getting in it and dropping a load each night for some damn reason or other." ~ That is hilarious she would think that!

Funny as hell! Especially, that he thought it was stolen all that time! My aunt is from Tennessee and I hear stories like that alot, but yours is hilarious!

[Tom G]

Thanks for the continous out pouring of humor, folk art stories and imaginative writing. Great stuff Terry. Thanks greatly for encouraging me.
Gratefully, Tom G

[C. Harter Amos]

This was just chocked full of Southern charm and O'Neal humor. Thanks for the laugh. And I didn't have any idea possums s**t in water either... - Mimi.

[Cove Mitchell]

haha That is pretty stange lol I'de probably have a heart attack too seeing something like that in my bathroom with out any warning. Rockin story T =). lolYour Friend,RethP.s Sorry for the attack of reviews I've been giving you. Just working my way through my to read list hehe.