Mum to Lum

You need to watch out how you speak to your elders. True story.

Mum to Lum

Written by: T. L. O’Neal

 

     There used to be this old man that lived around the neighborhood when I was growing up. We lived out in the country where the houses were pretty far apart as neighborhoods go but it was a neighborhood just the same. I never did know were this old guy lived or what his real name was for that matter, but everyone around here just called him “Lum.” He was a kind of a scary old feller to a kid my age, well to any age I suspect because he couldn’t talk. He couldn’t talk at all, so he just flailed his arms about and made this horrible sound like a loud mumbling gurgle. It used to really scare us kids to death. You could probably just imagine how this seemed to some little kids; it was almost like something out of one of those cheap horror films. Of course without all the blood, slime and other cheap effects.

 

   He also had this terrible habit of just walking into anyone’s house in the neighborhood, day or night, just as pretty as you please. He was a regular one-man “Welcome Wagon,” but a scary type of one. It really didn’t matter much to him either, mind you. He’d just walk right in without as much as a “how do you do,” flailing his arms about and hollering as loud as he could go. I’m not sure if he was crazy or anything like that, but to just walk into somebody’s house whenever he had a mind to, well something wasn’t quit right. Back then most people around here left their doors unlocked, especially during the day or were at home. He would go all over the place and scare a lot of these people around here too, even those that were relatives or knew him pretty well. I remember Mama telling us years ago about this one guy that he did that to, who just about shot him sneaking in one night. The only thing that saved him was that he made that awful sound and the man knew who it was and that’s the only thing that saved him from getting shot.

 

    He came into our house one day; it wasn’t long after we had moved back to North Carolina from Texas and thank God that Mama knew who he was or that would have been a predicament. Being that she grew up here and all, she knew who he was, if she hadn’t she probably would have fell-over right away. He slung that screen door open and walked straight in without warning, flailing his arms and making that damn noise at the top of his lungs. That man scared us kids to holy-death, and Mama too for that matter in this instant; like who expects some crazy old man to walk right into their house like that. Us kids didn’t know him at all, so you can imagine how scared we were of this old guy. Mama told him in a scolding manner not to come in our house like that anymore and to at least knock or do something beforehand. I don’t believe it did much good though. As a precaution we did keep the screen door hooked for a while after that. I don’t really think he was ever out to hurt anyone on his little visits, more than likely he was a little bit off or was just visiting in his own special way. Whatever the case, he did scare the s**t out of us boys.

 

    Sometime later on, it must have been late summer or early fall, my brother Alan and me were playing out in a disked-up tobacco field. It hadn’t been disked up for long because the dirt was still like powder. Anyways, like I was saying, we were out there playing with these tobacco stalks. (When they dry out, they’re hollow by the way.) So we were playing with these things and acting like they were old muzzle-loading rifles. We were sticking rocks down the ends of the stalks and ramming them with a smaller stick and acting like we were shooting this and that. It was a nice, poor kid’s toy but it was still a heck of a lot of fun for us.

 

     So we were shooting at this and that and we noticed that old Lum was over yonder on the other side of the field at this other house. He was doing something with a garden rake, not a leaf rake mind you but one of those hard metal ones. Anyways, he was down there raking, minding his own business and all, so we started to think about how that old guy scared us that time. After thinking on it a while, we decided to pay him back a bit, you know a tit for tat kind of thing. So with great marksmanship and a little vengeance too, we took those tobacco sticks guns and pointed them in his direction and said,

 

”Bang, Bang, Bang!”

 

   Well we were young at the time, so what did you expect. We really didn’t expect much out of him doing that either, at the most we were just going to get a laugh out of it.

   

    Anyhow, he saw and heard this and I guess he didn’t like it too much. He was just standing there and started flailing those damn arms of his about and making that horrible sound. We couldn’t understand a damn thing he was saying and if we could have, I’m sure he was doing some cussing and name-calling too.

 

    And for some ungodly reason, maybe it was my age or out of pure stupidity, I mocked him. Not just the sound but the flailing arms and the whole bit. I always have been pretty good at doing impressions and all, but this time it wasn’t well received by my audience. Of course Alan thought it was funny as hell and so did I, till Lum started across that field. He came running and making that noise but instead of flailing his arms about… it was swinging that rake. We weren’t expecting that and we’re in no way, shape or form prepared for it either. So we took off as fast as we could go and ran in pure holy terror from that crazy old man. He could run pretty damn fast too by the way. I guess if you piss-off anyone enough they can find that extra something that they need to go after a couple of smart-a*s kids.

 

    We took off as fast as we could run, our arms a pumping, and feet throwing up dust and probably leaving a urine trail behind too. You know it’s hard as hell to run in newly plowed dirt but he didn’t seem to be having any trouble with it. Those clodhoppers of his were moving a hell of a lot faster than our shoes were going. We thought if we could make it to the creek he would stop, so when we made it to the creek and jumped it like Olympic athletes doing the hurdles. Unfortunately he jumped it like a gold metal winner and we only did it as good a bronze winner at best. He was swinging that rake and making that scary sound the whole time he was coming after us too. By now we were more than scared, I could just see in my mind this old deranged man killing us with that damn rake. We had to get away from this lunatic and in a hurry or otherwise it would be the last of us for sure. So we started to run faster than we ever though possible, we ran past Grandma’s house and didn’t even say hi as we went by, then down through another field, past the tobacco barns and we kept going till we made it all the way home.

 

   When we finally made it into the house, we slammed the door shut and locked it behind us and barricaded it with our bodies. Our hearts felt like they were going to beat out of our chests and I’ve never been that scared in my life. Luckily he stopped before he got that far, where exactly he did stop, I couldn’t tell you. I’m just glad he did, otherwise it would have been like that scene from “The Night of the Living Dead” with those zombies moaning and breaking their way in through the doors and windows. When we finally calmed down a bit and after the fear passed, it was all kind of funny and exciting but we just hoped Mama wouldn’t find out. I knew we weren’t going to say anything and it was a safe bet that old Lum wasn’t either.

 

    We never and I mean never, did that again to him and you can bet on that for sure. One good thing that came out of that was as far as I can remember; he never did come back to the house anymore after that. And you’re probably wondering if I learned anything from this experience too? Well, yes I did as a matter of fact. First thing I learned was not to make fun of an old crazy man with a rake, and secondly… everyone’s a critic.

 

Reviews

[Otto L.n. Pipgras]

haha! this is a great story with a good moral. As kids, we've all made sport of people we labeled as wierd or creepy or different....it usually only took one or two instances like this to deter such mockery....usually...hehe... As usual, great story-telling with a southern flair. Nailed it again, Terry...great write.

[~ Tex]

Cracked me up... and brought back a few memories of friends, family, and childhood experiences and the stories of others that we swapped while out biking the mountains or swimmin' the creeks. Very enjoyable piece.

[Solst Rapture]

Yes they are, indeed they are. So too am I, but in this case I think the moral at the end closes the story off nicely and makes sense of it all. A very nice conclusion and a racy heart thumping story to enjoy along the way.

Thanks.

[Cove Mitchell]

Another perfect story :). Had me laughin the whole time. My favorite part is the lum impression hahaha too funny! Flowed perfectly and was very entertaining. * * * * * Fav!
P.s Catching up on my to read list so you'll be recieving a whole lot of reviews from me today.

[Bill Hancock]

What a great story! I found a couple of errors: "every" and "won't"

"Not sure if he was crazy or anything, but to just walk into somebody�s house when every he had a mind to, something won�t right."

",everyone's a critic". Hilarious!

I enjoyed it and found myself laughing as I was reading it. I think I also got a bit winded from your run because it was quite vivid!

~Bill

[Jesse Lynn]

I always love reading your stories, because it's just like something that would happen around here. The way your characters talk, the things you do. The poor kid's toys. Oh yeah.

[Michael Anyanwu]

For some strange reason, this story reminded me of some of Stephen Kings more frightening early works. I would've been scared myself.

Thoroughly well written as usual. :-)

[Kira Love]

OMG You must've been scared to death!!!!

Awesome story, once again a smooth, enjoyable and fantastic read!

[James]

Once again, i must say i enjoyed this read as well
The picture you showed makes me feel more compelled
There were many individuals that I was reminded of during this particular read
one day hopefully i'll find the words to tell the story...
till then...
thank you

[Bubo]

Have the thought and sight stuck in my head now!
It's odd the fear we feel as kids of the unknown and as adults don't tend to blink twice!
Loved reading it!

[Adamdust]

HI T, good story telling. Strong clear voice. Nostalgia helps make stories come to life and this takes advantage of that. It isn't glosssed over, there was no forced elements, it is believable and welcoming in a warm conversational tone. And it appeals to a wide audience.

"I guess if you piss-off anyone enough they can find that extra something that they need to go after a couple of smart-a*s kids." - is my favorite line.

thanks for the story. :)