S**t Woman, the barbarian.

English II Honors writing prompt.

Writing prompt: If you could tell the younger version of yourself one thing within the last year, what would it be?

I would absolutely without a doubt tell myself to never, ever, under any circumstances, take Exlax before church. Who cares if you were double dared to take more than triple the normal amount anyone should take, it will only result in tragedy and humility.

You see, I started off with just two little tablets. We all thought it would be "funny". The hours passed, and nothing happened. So I took two more, and then two more. Again, nothing happened. The next morning, I was just sitting there in my pew, which is the very last place this should have hit me. God should be attacking the bowels of people still comfortable in their beds.

But it did hit me. Oh, did it hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart started racing and I got all sweaty, and I ran to the bathroom.

I have never in my entire life taken a crap that large.

I have never in my entire life felt such intense pain in my lower region.

Right when I thought it was over, s**t would come flying out of my a*s at hyperspeed. It was like a water gun.

And every time I thought it was over, I would wipe. Which used ALOT of toilet paper. So, eventually, I ran out. I thought it would be safe to crawl under the barricading wall and steal some toilet paper from the other stall. Everyone was at service, afterall. But of course, as soon as I got down on my hands and knees, with my pants around my ankles, some old lady walked in.

So I sat there. Hating everything. Hating Dillan for giving me the exlax. Hating the church janitor for not stocking up every stall in case this sort of thing should happen. Hating little old women, who took forever to piss. Thank God old age took her sense of smell hostage.

So she left, and I spent the next half an hour shitting and wiping, shitting and wiping.

And the toilet wouldn't flush.

F**k it, I thought. Noone will see me walk out of here. Noone will know it was I, the toilet bowl wrecker, that left the toilet flooding with diarrhea and toilet paper.

And right before I walked out, about twelve little girls walked in. Of course, they all covered their mouths and noses and looked at me in horror.

"What is that SMELL?!?!?"

F**k you, prissy b***h in pink leggings. I will punch your head off.

"Sorry."

It was the only thing I could do. But they continued to look at me with those twelve sets of intimidating, horrified eyes.

"I took like .. six exlax before I came here, and I just s**t out my intestines, so I suggest holding your breath while you piss."

I walked out and washed my hands in the boys bathroom.

Which leads to a whooooole different story.