Fighting Fair in a Relationship

What to and What not to do

        

If you cannot stand the daily battle of words and the harsh allegations, setting some ground rules for fighting fairly will definitely help you iron out the differences without losing your cool.

It does not matter how deep or strong their love is, couples are always going to have fights. It is not because of them being immature or stubborn, but because they are two different people who have two different perspectives towards various aspects in their lives. The struggle of blending these different ways of looking at things and seeing the complete picture not as 'You' or 'Me' but as 'We' complicates the situation as a whole.

Fights are absolutely unavoidable. However, a couple can at least make an effort to fight in a way that is fair, civil and doesn't compel your better half to lose in your quest to win. Remember, you both are players of the same team.

In an argument or fight the couple needs to deal with the problem and finish it. Any argument that is left unfinished will keep on lingering throughout the relationship and will disrupt your routine quality of life.

Ideally, the argument should not have a last or drag on for more than a day. By the end of the night you should not be caring a grudge into the next day. Finish and bury them before going to bed. Simply saying sorry to each other can help with this.

Sticking to the point is huge when having an argument with your significant other. Always keep in mind the point due to which the argument started. In the heat of the moment, never wander away from the main point, the reason the fight started. No old grudges or sore issues from the past should be dragged in the conversation, especially if it doesn't belong to that particular discussion. Making boundaries around a subject can help stick to the main point.

 

Avoiding foul language should be taken at all costs. Foul language is not just cursing at one another. It includes every verbal gesture that degrades the value of the other person. Name calling, insulting, blaming, criticizing, or even shouting for that matter can be considered in foul language. Maintaining each other’s dignities should be priority. Steer away from any sort of character assassination. It only makes things better in the end.

Every issue that you state does not need to have a high importance tag attached to it so controlling your pitch is huge. You do not have to yell every time you want to get your point across. Yelling is usually subjective. What may sound normal to you may sound as yelling to your partner. You may think that your pitch is still bearable, while your partner may think otherwise.

 

If the argument becomes overwhelming, take a break. If your heart is racing and you have reached the boiling point, it is time for the both of you to withdraw yourselves and take a break. Do not let this withdraw trick you into just letting the argument alone. Always let your partner that after you cool down, you will return and finish the argument. During the break, do anything that you find to be a stress buster. Playing with your pet, reading your favorite book, listening to calming music, or doing just anything to get your perspective back can work wonders. A break of 20 to 30 minutes is enough to regain composure. This break should ease both of your minds so that when the argument proceeds, it is in a more pleasant manner.

There is never just one voice in an argument. Let your partner speak too. The argument should be mutual. Always keep in mind that your partner also needs an equal opportunity to voice an opinion. So, whenever you are speaking and your partner interrupts, you should hold your talk and listen.  Listen with concentration to what your partner has to say, do not just “hear” it. When the other person is talking, avoid all distractions. Do not start texting, watching TV, or planning a counterattack. Keep good eye contact for as long as possible. If this dictum gets overruled by any party, then there are chances that the conversation may lose its focus.

 

Never give your partner the silent treatment, actually speak up and say what you need to say.
Silence is like playing a game with your partner, and it would only make things more complicated. Suddenly becoming silent in the middle of an argument can send signals that you are not interested in the argument any further and are trying to end it. Playing this game will give rise to a whole new topic for the other partner to argue upon because feelings of resentment will be lifted.

 

Playing the blame game will also intensify things worse. Starting statements with "I" rather than "you" will keep the other person from becoming defensive. If the point of the argument is about your partner being lazy and not helping out much do not say “You never help me with anything.” Start it with “I would like it if you started helping me.” The difference in tones can be seen clearly. It is highly recommended that you use statements like "I think" and "I feel" instead of starting the sentence with "you."

The worst generalization that you can give your partner is comparing you with someone else who has nothing to do with the argument. Do not compare each other to something or someone else. Involving opinions of other people can also be considered as comparison. For example: "Mac's sister agrees with me", or "Jane also thinks that you are careless with money." The people having the argument should be the only ones whose opinions are relevant. Speak your mind rather than agreeing with and repeating what others have said.

Saying you is sorry if required will show that you had the maturity to back off of the situation before it got any worse. It shows that you value the relationship more than who would win the argument. Your partner should accept your apology and appreciate the gesture. In turn they may also apologize bringing the heat down more. If you both have still not arrived at a workable compromise, don't worry. At least, you both have regained perspective. This will give you the chance to talk again, but easier.

 

Posting on social media should also be avoided entirely. Social media is not your diary and your personal life should not be public. Some of your friends may think that you and your partner are breaking up or will start spreading that the two of you are. This can be very damaging and may spoil your relationship.

 

Keep your relationships going good. Always stick together but, make sure you give each other some space and air to breathe. In the end, your relationship should be fine.