Fantasy

A short piece I wrote a while back

I’m in a perfect place. It’s more beautiful than anything i’ve ever seen before. The sun is high and bright the grass is green and the sky is an amazing, gorgeous soft blue color. The air smells like flowers  and standing behind me with a hand on my waist is you. Everything is perfect. I look up at you and lean in for a kiss and right as our lips touch something goes wrong. The  sun goes dark and your touch turns cold. Darkness and sadness seems to be spreading from where we are standing. Trees lose their leaves, flowers wilt and everything is cold and grey. I panic and look around frantically. “What is happening?!” I ask you but before you can answer you turn to dust and are blown away by a harsh wind.Suddenly The ground splits and right in front of me is a deep dark hole. Wind pushes me towards it “NO!” i scream. Green Vines slither up out of the hole and wrap themselves tightly around my ankles. “NO, NO, NO!!!” I shriek but it’s no use the vines are stronger they drag me into the freezing pit of despair, reality.

Author's Note

Please let me know what you think, thanks!

Reviews

[Michael Corkill]

I found the piece I wrote that you might like. It kinda shows what I was talking about by demonstration better than I can do trying to describe it in words. It is called, A light on the horizon. It is located here: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/md7/1139627/ let me know what you think, ok? till then....Keep your ink wet.

[Michael Corkill]

This piece started out so well. Beautiful imagery and well placed words. until the kiss. I realize that writing can be therapeutic, but the way that this piece came out at first was very promising as a work of great poetry. Notice how you describe the sun, 'high AND bright', that is good; and the sky, amazing, gorgeous and soft blue! that is the art of writing at its finest. You see a successful author convey images through words, Kinda like seeing with your ears!?! (or maybe more accurately seeing with your mind.) I would love to see a possible revision. And in that revision slow down and describe in more image laced detail the feeling of fear and panic. Also I eventually began to include what I later called my ray of hope in my poems. Kinda like a wishful outcome. A short example in this case maybe something like.....

... “NO, NO, NO!!!” I shriek but it’s no use the vines are stronger they drag me into the freezing pit of despair, reality.
Alone and afraid I will search for my escape, clawing at my walls of painful restraint and tearing away the thorn riddled vines to freedom. The freedom to love and be loved. And with this new-found freedom I will climb out of this pit and cover it well sealing it to keep you safe. You are my reality.

Just a suggestion. as I said earlier I think you are on the right track. Intelligent, talented and very promising as a writer.

[Chloe Solomon]

Thank you so much, your reviews have made my day. I will definitely try to revise this and use your suggestions. :)