When you died

a guy or a girl has a relationship with someone and that person dies....

Falling,

Drifting away,

I'm alone and it's cold,

I need your arms around me,

But you're gone,

And I'm tired of fighting,

I'm gonna give in,

I know it's wrong,

I know I promised you,

But now you're gone,

And I'm cold,

I'm alone,

Cause you left me,

Now I'm lost and confused,

I don't know what to do,

My heart keeps beating,

Even though I begged it to stop,

My world is ending,

Without you,

Sometimes I wish I had a gun,

So I could end my misery,

I'd try anything to have you back here with me,

Now I see why this all began,

The crying,

The screaming,

The mood swings,

All because you died.

Author's Note

plz comment

Reviews

[Charles]

OK, this is a nice little poem about a common theme - a lover (physical or purely emotional) ups and leaves. The style is nice, the reading is easy, but the message doesn't take the reader anywhere. I think you need some pizzaz at the end, knock the reader's socks of with something poignant, witty, something that shows real insight (why'd the lover leave, what's next, what's the lesson, whose fault). Good start and, as I said, the poem is well-crafted and easy on the eyes. Hope this helps. :-) Oops... I see I missed the title - the person dies. Doesn't change the need for insight at the end or something poignant - there are still lessons, the need for forgiveness, issues left unresolved, and so on. Again :-)

[Charles]

Yeah, that's a lot better - puts some real emotion into the poem, though I didn't mean to suggest anything as dramatic as wishing for a gun. It works, though. I think the only incongruity is that you end by saying tou see how it began, but end with the dying being coupled with how it began. Maybe try the last line as 'and then you died' - that removes the dying from the precipitating events and brings the poem to its pointed conclusion. The proof of whether this is an improvement will be shown by any other reviews you get. Good luck. :-)

Oh yeah. Remember that reviews are only opinions and you retain the right to hold the line or accept recommendations.