Chapter 18

Alex

"Because I'm not a virgin."

She let that hang in the air for a moment, and it stung far more than that slap in the face. That means my greatest fear-

"I will never love you like I love Nathan."

I stare at her in disbelief.

"I... see."

I hand her a handkerchief.

While her cleans her tear streaked face, I am reeling.

Oh my God.

When she is done she hands it back, and to my surprise there is no sign of what had just happened on her face at all. I want to ask her about it but the words are stuck in my throat. I'm still in shock and unable to move a muscle.

Then she turns away and leaves. And I swear she takes a piece of my heart with her. I'll never be whole again.

Luce

I run back into the crowded gymnasium. I look down at my arm where he had grabbed me . It is red and slightly sore. I can still taste him in my mouth. I suddenly feel the urge to spit. Then Nathan catches my eye.

I try to smile but I can't quite get it to form. I resist to urge to cry. No. Not again. I am not a child. I will not humiliate myself that way. I wipe away a traitor tear before its noticed and go to him.

I just stand with Nathan awkwardly. Neither of us really have much to say.

"The music is tasteless." I say in an attempt to make conversation.

"The others seem to like it."

"Then they are tasteless as well."

For a second I think I see a ghost of a smile. But it's gone as soon as it comes.

Alex comes over with... The other boy on his arm.  

Man-w***e. 

"Luce." he acknowledges.  

I return the favour.  

"Alex." 

The other boy introduces himself. 

"Hi, I'm Seth." he smiles genuinely and offers his hand. I accept it, and when offered to him, so does Nathan.

"Loud isn't it?"

I answer with a "hmm" not really interested in conversing.

Alex doesn't say anything.

"Alex would you care to tell us how the two of you met?" I venture.

"No." he answers bluntly.

Seth seems to notice the tension between us and shifts uncomfortably.

We all just stand awkwardly in silence.

At last Nathan breaks the silence.

"It's awfully stuffy in here. Can we step out?" he asks me.

"Yeah." I answer, relieved. "Of course."

The crisp night air is refreshing. There is a small bench that Nathan seats himself on and lets his crutches lean against the side. I sit next to him.

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That. In there. I've never seen you act that way around each other."

"I... I don't know."

"Do you want to talk about it."

"Not really."

He looks at me expectantly. The look in his eye is genuine concern.

I sigh.

"It's just... So infuriating! He's always... I feel like... It's like he's trying to get a rise out of me! Like he wants to put me in a compromising position! Like he wants people to think..."

"Think what?"

"Think we're a a couple!"

"And this idea bothers you?"

"Of course it bothers me!"

"Why?"

"Because! Because it's wrong!"

"Why is it wrong?"

"Because I don't care about him. I don't care about him like that."

"Like what?"

"... Like you."

He doesn't say anything and we drift into silence.

Part of me feels guilty for lying to Nathan. But just thinking about it is physically painful. I just can't bring myself to say it.

"What happened to us?" I whisper.

Again he doesn't answer.

"I'm not worth it."

I look at him shocked.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Was it my imagination?

Feeling a bit unsure, I continue.  

"I was so happy back then. And I thought you were too. Unless I'm just idealising the past..."

"No."

"What?"

"You aren't idealising anything. I was happy with you. What we did-" he stops abruptly.

"I was always happy with you." he says.

"Do you regret it?"

"No."

After a moment he asks,

"Do you?"

"Never."

We sit in silence for a while. I look into his eyes. A person could get lost in such stormy grey irises. After what feels like hours, he kisses me.

It's not the sweet kiss of every teenage girl's dreams, no. There's nothing magical or innocent about it. Yet at the same time it reminds my of when I was fifteen again.

It's hard and rough and full of passion. Almost demanding really. It's like a reminder that only he can kiss me in ways no one else ever will dare to. I feel one of his hands in my hair and the other around my waist trying pull me closer. Alex will never match up to this. No one can. My body moulds perfectly to his. In that moment I feel as though we are two parts one whole. Nathan is my other half. We are the sun and the moon. Yin and yang. Inseparable.  

I dare to lick his lip and his tongue is in my mouth. It was always like this. Daring each other to take it a step further. It's almost like we're desperate to take a piece of each other's soul with us.

Too soon we break away. He kisses my nose, places one last gentle kiss on my lips and stokes my cheek. Then he presses his forehead to mine for a moment, try to catch his breathe, before pulling away all together. Now the only evidence of what had happened is out panting breathes.

Meanwhile... 

Alex

Lucinda and Nathan are gone. Seth went to the restroom. I'm here venting at Alice.

"God I am such a f*****g idiot! Why the hell would I kiss her?! Ugh!"

"Alex, its okay. You were just caught in the moment."

"It's not okay, Alice! She probably hates me now! Why am I so f*****g stupid!"

I bury my head in my hands. Here I am wallowing in self pity while Nathan is bedding Lucinda.

"Stop thinking about them having sex!" Alice hisses.

I look up.

"How do you know what I'm thinking?" I ask out of genuine curiosity.

"What else would you be thinking of at this point?"

I sink back into my original position in despair.

"I'm so stupid." I say, my voice muffled by my hands.

Alice gently pets my head.

"You're not stupid. You're just... In love."

"How can this happen to me? I've bedded every girl on the cheer-leading squad and now suddenly I'm tongue tied over her? I mean its Lucinda for God's sake! How can I just suddenly be in love with her?"

"I don't know. Love has a funny way of changing people."

"Yeah. No kidding."

"Don't you mean 'no kissing?'" Alice teases as a giggle escapes her lips.

I groan, sinking lower in my chair.

"Sorry. Too soon?"

"You think so?"

She laughs nervously.

Ugh, this night couldn't possibly get any worse.