trying to laugh at myself without making the audience feel uncomfortable

I looked out the window and saw the moon rising behind the Observatory

and thought maybe this time I had a chance. I could rise above my

circumstances, turn things around, make something happen for myself.

I poured myself another cup of coffee, sweetened it with Bailey’s Irish

Cream, thought about lighting a cigarette, but balked at the idea, choosing

to take a walk instead.

As I locked the door behind me, I was accosted by that fuzzy old lady in

2B who’d fallen into a few too many traps in her life and thought of me

(sarcastically) as a new breed of warrior poet.

“Well, well…been setting anymore fires you can’t put out?” she said.

“No, but I’ve rededicated my life to Jesus.”

She looked at me like she was watching CSPAN at three in the morning.

“I wouldn’t exactly brag about that, if I were you.”

“Good thing is, you’re not me.”

I walked outside into the bitter chill. Channel 3�™s chief meteorologist said

it was twenty-one degrees with winds gusting to thirty miles per hour, but I

just ignored it, and worked my way west toward the brilliant sky.

I heard a voice singing in the distance. It was thin and reedy and it

reminded me of a pretty bitter memory.

And then my mobile rang. It was Jaqué, a tired-out chick I’d met during

my sanctified period who was always looking to me for mercy whenever

the going got rough.

“What now, Jaqué?”

“That’s no way to treat a lady,” Jaqué said.

"Maybe not, but it’s how I treat you.”

“Meany.”

“You know I’m nuts about you,” I said. “Long as you’re living in another

state.”

“I moved,” Jaqué said.

“You’re not in ATL, anymore?”

“Too much like Houston.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it’s a long story,” Jaqué said. “But the school I was working for?

Turns out they were never accredited. So the state shut ‘em down.”

“Jeeez.”

“So I’m here…at the Courtyard.”

“Marriot?” I said.

“Yuppers.”

“Mmm.”

There was a really long pause.

“We don’t have to see each other if you don’t wanna,” Jaqué said.

“No?”

“Well, I mean, I’m not gonna beg you for a booty call, but it’d be nice…”

She waited. “Wouldn’t it?”

This time I waited.

“Unless you’re seeing someone?” Jaqué said.

I waited even longer.

“Are you?”

“Technically, no,” I said.

“Lemme guess. You’re seeing someone who wants a definition of the

relationship, but you’re not ready to give her a definition, so things are

pretty much up in the air?”

I was about to hang up on her, when I got another call.

“Hold on,” I said.

“Please don’t put me on hol-”

I answered the other call. “Hello?”

“Hey, sweetie pie honey bunch.”

It was Frieda, the girl whom I was technically not seeing.

“Hey,” I said.

“Whucha doin’?” she said.

“Nothin’ worth mentioning.”

“Whucha doin’ tonight?”

“Figured I’d begin that journey of a thousand steps,” I said.

“Oh yeah? I’ve been workin’ out on the stair stepper a lot lately. New

Year’s resolution and all.”

That’s what I loved about Frieda; the way her mind worked.

“So who’s on the other line?” Frieda said.

I hated my call waiting; people could always tell I was on another call

whenever I answered the other line because of the weird clicking sounds it

always made. Like somebody tap dancing on cracked linoleum.

“No one important,” I said.

“Are you bullshitting me again?” Frieda said.

“Again?”

“You are.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because I know you.”

“I’m not.”

Frieda giggled.

“I gotta go,” I said.

“Give her my love.”

I disconnected Frieda and returned to Jaqué.

“I’m back,” I said.

“I know,” Jaqué said. “You’re interesting that way.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” Jaqué said. “I’m a little discombobulated…I just took some

Valium…”

“Some?”

“A Valium.”

 

“You said some.”

“I misspoke.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!…God, you treat me like a friggin’ drug addict.”

I let that remark hang in the air.

“Alright, well, lemme go find my little jack rabbit,” Jaqué said.

I told her I'd be there in a few minutes.

Jaqué groaned. “That sounded so obligatory…ya know, I always told

myself, the next guy I fall in love with is literally gonna have to come up to

me and say, ‘I am from God, you are my rib’… But look at me these days,

man…settlin’ for ‘I’ll be there in a few minutes’…why can’t I just be

content with a little solitude?”

“Cuz solitude’s like a cranky woman who keeps pleading with you to be

kind to her,” I said.

“You think you’re so smart,” Jaqué said. “But, baby, you’ve met your

match.”

I hung up, jumped in a cab, told the driver to take his time in getting there.

“No point in rushing things,” I mumbled, settling into another of my

passive silences.