the deepest need

Elijah Fitzgerald was last seen conversing with Myrtle Rucker at that party in Chelsea.

“I went through est in 1973,” said Elijah. “Do you know what est is?”

“Uhmm…”

“Surely you’ve heard of est.  Erhard something Training… yeah…and what I learned from that experience is that Life Only Consists Of This Moment… not the past, not the future, not yesterday, not tomorrow… and the other thing I learned was I can create for good or ill… do you know what I mean?”

“Oh, yes,” Myrtle said.

“I have the option of doing good things or doing bad things…”  Elijah shrugged, sipped his Manhattan, and tamped a Chesterfield out of the pack.

“Interesting,” said Myrtle, trying to guess his fatal flaw.  “You’re married?  I don’t mean to pry…”

“No,” Elijah said.  “But there’s actually an interesting story behind that… I errr… was supposed to be married…I was engaged to be married… but the girl, the woman, I should say, whom I was committed to was schizophrenic…Long story short, she killed herself… “

“Oh, no,” Myrtle said.

“It was unfortunate… I-I-I- basically blame myself…She went into the garage, got into the car…Obviously, carbon monoxide poisoning…she was very special to me… she was about the only woman I was ever friendly with, in addition to being her…” He cleared his throat nervously. “…lover, of course, errr.”  He suppressed a few tears and choked a bit.  “I say I blame myself,” he continued… “I’m not supposed to blame myself. My doctor says I’m not supposed to do that; she says it was her own doing, and I’m not responsible for her actions and this and that… Conceptually, she may be right…Emotionally, you know, that’s a whole other story… Anyway, uhmm… I am single, however, I…”  He couldn’t find the thread of what he was trying to say.  “I was gonna say something…”  He shook his head and shrugged.  “I’ve completely forgotten…”

“Uh-huh,” Myrtle said, feigning interest.

“So,” Elijah said. “Are you single?”

“Mm-hmm.”

Elijah slapped himself.  “Listen; don’t pay any attention to me…I’m…very nervous… I’m sweating… I’m a basket case, in case you haven’t noticed…”  He pulled at his shirt sleeve near his shoulder.

“I think you’re an interesting person,” Myrtle said, watching Elijah’s little nervous tick.

“In what way?” Elijah said.

“You seem very bright.”

“Really?  I try to be…”

That’s when Myrtle was approached by a tall, good-looking man with a submissive grin.

“Would you excuse me?” Myrtle said to Elijah.

“Uhm, maybe I could call you sometime,” Elijah said.  “We could have a…”

“Have you eaten yet?” the good-looking man said to Myrtle.

“No, I was waiting for you,” Myrtle said.

“Oh, aren’t you wonderful,” the man said.

Then Myrtle turned to Elijah.  “It was nice meeting you…good luck.”

“Thank you,” Elijah said.  “I actually could probably use some…”

Myrtle and her companion headed for the buffet as Elijah stood alone, waiting for some other kind of refuge.