adminisphere

 

Scene:  Two amorphous masses are decompressing at a martini bar, smoking Montecristo Media Noche cigars, drinking dry martinis, engaging in one those conversations that make you go, wtf?

 

Man A:   Uhhh…so who are we targeting again?

 

Man B:   We’re targeting somebody who’s experienced with that whole measuring, managing, improving and reducing the variability thing and able to identify,  target, convert, and  onboard mass affluent balance-qualified clients that drive organic growth…

 

Man A:  Mmm.  Organic growth.  I like that. My Dad used  to be an organic gardener.

 

Man B:  And, of course, because this is a high-profile, highly-visible role with an ability to have a significant positive impact on the business, they gotta be able to navigate the matrix and drive collaboration across multiple support-partner organizations…

 

Man  A:  Any  prospects?

 

Man B:  Jennings in Process Design. He’s Black Belt Certified and he knows how to make the complex simple.

 

Man  A:  Process Design… what do they do again?

 

Man  B:  Basically, decrease risk, manage compliance, reengineering, blah blah blah…

 

Man A:  Huh.  Must have missed that day.  (Laughs at his joke, and right on cue, Man B joins in.  Man B’s Blackberry rings.   He answers it) 

 

Man  B:   Hello…Reynolds?  His functional business acumen is poor…I don’t care if his strategic initiatives achieved breakthrough goals in customer satisfaction, the man is completely ignorant of implementing Six Sigma methodologies to achieve break-through Hoshin goals.  Besides, he’s a lousy change agent.  And I don’t like his PowerPoint presentations.

 

Man A: (to Man B) Not to mention he has no concept of the risk/reward trade-off and can’t even institutionalize error-free quality processes without first consulting a psychic…

 

Man B: (nodding in response to Man A’s comment) … I don’t give a damn if he attends the Oakborough Presbyterian Church!  The last time he attempted to extract, measure and analyze data, he wound up in the employee assistance program!

 

Man A: (Pulls out small recording device, turns it on and speaks into it) Check to see if we can claim a tax credit for Reynolds since his breakdown…  (Shuts off recorder, puts it back in pocket)

 

Man B: Who? Freddie Mobley?

 

Man A:  Can’t work on multiple issues that are in various stages of repair…

 

Man B: He says he can’t work on multiple issues that are in various stages of repair…plus he’s a stress puppy…we need a plug-and-play guy, we can’t be cockin’ around…

 

(Man A gestures to wrap up the call)

 

Man B:  Gotta go, bro…uh heh…thanks… (Hangs up) Total 404…

 

Man A:  He’ll be decruited within the month…

 

(Their waitress, a sexy young Venus, approaches them)

 

Waitress:  Excuse me, gentlemen?  I couldn’t help but overhear…I understand you’re looking for somebody to skillfully influence broader corporate initiatives while effectively dealing with ambiguity and balancing business unit needs with local portfolio goals…

 

(Man A looks at Man B; and she suddenly becomes the most intriguing human being on the earth’s surface to them)

 

Man A:  I really think she could improve current processes in order to redirect resources to areas not currently under consideration…

 

Man B:  And she seems to have the kind of vision that is so central to our journey in building a great brand and should be able to make it work in ways it never has before…

 

Man A:  You picked up on that, too?

 

Man B:  Something about the way she took our drink order…

 

Man A:  (To waitress)  Gotta resume?

 

Waitress:  I can email it to you…

 

(They shake hands with the waitress and order two more martinis)