she likes music in the key of g-minor

She went to a therapist.

“Why are you here?” said the therapist.

“I don’t know why I’m here.”

“You don’t know?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Surely, you must have had a reason.”

“My family thought I should come. They felt my behavior was in

noncompliance.”

“Noncompliance?”

“Yessir.”

“I’m not understanding.”

“After reading an abnormal psychology textbook, it was determined by

my mother and father that my personality significantly deviated from the

average…and so they suggested I see a therapist.”

“What sort of behaviors were you exhibiting for them to come to that

conclusion?”

“I was just being myself.”

“Do you believe that your personality significantly deviates from the

average?”

“No, sir, I don’t.”

“Who’s going to be paying for this therapy?”

“My parents.”

“And are they aware of my fee?”

“My family has bottomless pockets. They said money is no object.”

“How did they find me?”

“The Yellow Pages. They liked the fact that you’re Jewish. They said all

the best shrinks are Jewish.”

“But there are hundreds of Jewish therapists in the Yellow Pages.”

“My mother liked the sound of your name. She said she chose it because

she saw a documentary about some holocaust survivors, and one of the

survivors that were interviewed in the movie had your name, and she felt it

might bring me good luck.”

“I see…well…I personally feel there’s no reason for you to be here. I

mean, you know what your problems are. You already know this. You

don’t need me to tell you what your problems are.”

“Yessir.”

“But if you’d like to continue with the process, I’d be more than willing to

take you on as a patient.”

“Well, sir, if I may be frank with you...”

“By all means.”

“I would prefer not to.”

“I understand.”

“'Cuz then I gotta get in the car and drive here and fight all that traffic and find a place to park, and it’s a hassle. It just takes too much time.”

“May I ask how you spend your time?”

“Well, I’m currently studying the Kabbalah. I consider myself very

mystical. Are you familiar with the Kabbalah?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Madonna’s like all over it… it’s like the big thing in Hollywood…

anyway, I’m just really beginning to get into it, I mean, it’s very complex,

as you probably know, there’s a lot to digest, and I’m a little overwhelmed

at the moment, but my boyfriend is like the Real Mystic of the two of

us, I’m just like a Mystic in Training…he picks up on all kindsa things in

the Kabbalah, it’s almost spooky how aligned with the universe he is…

we’re both Catholic but very open to other religions; for instance, we’re

going to Rosh Hashanah services this Friday… yeah, that’s kinda neat…

will you be going to services…?”

“Uhh, no. I observe it in my own way.”

“Oh…does that mean you don’t attend synagogue?”

“My house serves as my family’s spiritual epicenter.”

“Mm, that’s an interesting way of putting it…I understand… religion’s one

of the three things you’re not supposed to talk about in public… sex and

politics are the others, right? Oh well…, I didn’t mean to make you

uncomfortable…I was just curious…”

“That’s okay.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t ask you if you’re against abortion,” she said,

giggling. “Can I ask you this, though?”

“Sure.”

“If you had three wishes, what would they be?”

The therapist thought for a moment. “I’ve never really thought about it.

What would you do if you had three wishes?”

“Well, number one, I’d like to write novels… I’d like to be able to sing…

that’s two…” She paused. “I’d like Jack to ask me to marry him.”

“Jack, is your boyfriend?”

“Yes… we’ve been going out for three years… he’s forty-nine… I’m thirty-two… that’s kind of an age spread… but not really…he acts like a kid most of the time anyway…most men do.”

“And is he moving toward asking you to marry him?”

“Not really. He’s been married. Twice. He really has no desire. I’m not

even sure he loves me all that much anymore.”

“Why do you say that?”

“He told me.”

“He told you he doesn’t love you?”

“Not in so many words. I pick up things from his body language.”

“What kinds of things?”

“He doesn’t like to kiss me anymore…or touch me…or make love to me…

or have dinner with me… or watch TV with me…only thing he likes to do

with me is reading the Kabbalah…but he doesn’t even like discussing it with

me…hmm, wow, that’s the first time I said that out loud…it doesn’t sound

too good, does it…?…I didn’t mean for any of this to come out, I’m so

sorry, I should go…uhm, will you send us a bill, or…?”

“I won’t charge you.”

“It’s no problem, my parents can afford it.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You sure?”

The therapist nodded.

“Sir, can you afford not to charge us?”

“I’ll be alright,” he said with a smile.

“Well…I thank you for your kindness…thank you for listening…you must

be an excellent therapist…”

“Thank you.”

“I think if I ever had to go to a therapist, I would go to you.”

“My door’s always open.”

“Well, I hope you and your family have a wonderful…observance of

whatever you observe in your spiritual epicenter…goodbye…”

“Goodbye.”

She walked to the door, but before her hand could touch the doorknob, she turned back toward the therapist and said, “How much time do I have

left?”

The therapist looked at his watch. “About a half an hour.”

She paused. “Do you mind if I stay until my half-hour’s up?”

“Not at all.”

She walked back to the chair and sat down. “I’m an outstanding gin player,” she said. “Would you like to play?”

“If that’s what you’d like to do.”

She reached into her purse, pulled out a deck of cards, and smiled for the first time that day.