ny watery spunk

My point is…

A tiny percentage

of the female population

is even interested in me.

Not that I'm bragging.

The last female

who had the lukewarms

for me was Ruth Padilla.

She had eczema on her hands.

"I'm very self-conscious about it,"

she said. "You figure it's the first thing

people see when you shake hands.

The creams don't work.

I'm taking these pills now.

Makes schmoozing really challenging."

I told her I didn't even notice.

"You're just being kind," she said.

"No, I'm not," I said. "I've got an astigmatism."

"Yeah?" she said. "I got pangs of

anxiety and depression minutely.

Top that."

I couldn't.

"Arnchya gonna ask me for my number?" she said.

I blushed.  "I'm married," I lied.

She glanced at my ring finger.

"How come you don't wear a ring?"

I needed to be faster on my dogs.

I never am. I'm a lousy improviser.

If I was in Second City, I'd need a script.

"I forget," I said.

Her eyebrows arched. "You forget?"

I told her I'd recently undergone

electroshock therapy, and it had

temporarily affected my memory.

She believed me.

Believe it or not.

She appeared to want to

delve further into this

but I could tell the editor inside

of her had crossed out her curiosity

with an imaginary red pen,

turned the page and got a paper cut.

"So," she was careful.  "You have a few issues?"

I paused,

scratched the itch in my left eye,

pursed my lips and sniffed some stale oxygen.

"I'm encumbered," I said.

She nodded with social worker compassion.

Fortunately, she didn't challenge me.

I was so grateful.

I get no thrill from being challenged.

Ruth continued to nod.

She's nodding too much, I thought.

Why is she nodding so much?

She should really stop nodding now.

Maybe she has some sort of

muscle spasm that causes her to

nod uncontrollably?

Finally, she stopped nodding.

I was relieved.

"Life is really a test of one's…"

She searched her cerebral database

for just the right word.

About 45 seconds later, she said,

"Yeomanly inclinations."

On cue, I eyed my watch,

which I wasn't even wearing that day.

I immediately lost a thousand cool points.