my speech to 2024 graduates

 

Boys & girls, pull out your cell phones because I’m leaning into this. (in my best drill Seargent voice) Listen, you miserable pukes! Your last easy day was yesterday! Now drop and give me 20!! When I’m done with this speech, if you’re gonna talk to me, you’ll address me in a clear and present tone, not the voice you use to con drug money off your liberal parents! Now you gotta get out, you gotta get a job and fight to f****n’ keep it. ‘Cuz the whole reason this nation is turning into a f****n’ dumpster fire is because your parents did a piss-poor job of raising your lazy, sorry, self-entitled, asses! And by the way, I don’t wanna hear about your f****n’ pronouns! No one gives a f**k about your pronouns, no one cares about you. All those tattoos, the nose studs, all the aggressive piercings, you might as well jack off into a ceiling fan, because that’s not gonna get you one inch closer to the finish line!

First thing, let me stop and apologize. I’m going to excuse all Asians from this conversation right now. You guys pick it up and leave, Hop-Sing, hop in the rickshaw, and f****n’ head down to Benihanas and start the celebration immediately. Everybody out! I’ll give you 10 minutes. Everyone, give them a path. Make room! Asians, none of this pertains to you. Clear out, thank you for your service. Asians, before you leave, get a look good at your classmates and please show mercy during the hiring process because at some point one these b******s is gonna come to you with a hat in their hands looking for a job. Please hire a few of them, God knows, not all of them, just a handful, the ones who didn’t flunk 10th-grade biology and driver’s ed. Now that you’ve trained your eyes on these folks, move it on out Asians! You don’t need to be here. Everyone gather around and take a knee. Your helmet is not a chair.  Let’s get in. On your knees. Doing a little chalk talk, I call it. All right. Do not externalize, internalize everything. I’ve driven the highways and byways of this city and this nation; I’ve never been in a car accident once in my entire goddamn life! You wanna know why? I internalize! I don’t externalize! I don’t make my problems other people’s faults. Okay? I internalize. Stop spending so much time on your f****n’ phone. Don’t spend so much time in the mirror.  Stop bragging about s**t you shouldn’t brag about like I love video games, I love online pornography, it’s rotting your feeble f*****g minds. And remember, your boss is your f****n boss, and stop showing up to work in cargo shorts and flip flops and wifebeaters. Yes, I can say wifebeaters. Show up, dressed for success. Now. You know what I’m goonna do? Who’s got the lowest G.P.A.? I’m gonna take the diploma and just wipe my a*s with it right now. You can still have it, if you want, but I’m wiping my sweaty, hairy, hard-workin’, non-pronoun using a*s on this. And ladies out there, I know you think you got choices. I’ll give you two! Stay home and rattle the goddamn pots and pans or get the f**k to work! Don’t do the, I don’t clean, I don’t cook, I’m not your maid, I’m not your masseuse and not work. You wanna be super successful and bring home a bunch of money, we’ll take some of that money and give it to the cleaning lady. We’ll take some of that money, we’ll give it to the pool man, we’ll give it to the gardener. But if you ain’t bringing home any of the f****n’ bacon, you better fry that s**t up in a pan! Thank you. I’ll be back next year.