this bewailing cry

Phone rings; somebody on the other end wants to know when I’m coming to visit them…

I’m so distracted, I mutter, “I haven’t been myself lately…”

“Hmm?  What did you say?”

“Nothing,” I say, wiping sweat from my brow…

The caller waits for me to say something else, but I don’t, which makes the caller very uncomfortable. They break the silence by saying, “Still working through some things, are you...”

“Always,” I say…

Another pause and another numb feeling…

“Sounds like I got you at a bad time,” the caller says, and I confirm this by intoning, 

“Mmmm…”

“Well, let me let you go… I’ll talk to you later…”

The caller hangs up, but I keep the receiver to my ear until the busy signal stops, and I’m transferred to a recorded message that says, “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again… if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator…”

I need help, I think, but not from you…

Then I remembered something a friend whispered to me the previous week…

“You’re starting to like your solitude a little too much…”

“What do you mean,” I say.

“Time to venture out,” says my friend, pointing to my head… “and become a living, moving thing again…”

A fleeting moment passes, and that phrase, “living, moving thing,” is swiftly distributed across both hemispheres of my brain, and although on the surface it sounds a bit naive and corny, it gets at the truth of something and goes directly to the core of my psyche, deeply affecting me…

She’s absolutely right, I think…

My life has become a quick-moving river, and I’m just trying to stay afloat and not hit a boulder… I’m a bit angry with my life and myself…. I always verge on being sorry for myself I do things for all the wrong reasons. I need to restore something that was very important to me when I was a kid. Something I’ve lost…or lost sight of or grasped…

I need to find a form for my experience… but I’m not sure what to write about…

For years, I’ve bisected the Psyche of the Man with the fierce moral sensibility who can’t Make Any Peace with the World and covered my canvases with the long, emotional colors of all those lost people who find themselves by Recognizing Their Love for One Another… but I’ve never been able to find the precise rising line of conflict and resolution to those themes…

Maybe because I’ve compromised my form and am no longer capable of weighty introspection…

I’ve become another 21st-century working-class writer Trying to Come to Grips with the Reality of my life, too exhausted to develop anything more than the callouses on my fingers from all that angsty typing…

“Getting stuck is what makes us not move,” says my friend… “you’ve got to move into a different place and find what it is you want to write about…”

I pause… then somewhat self-mocking, say, “I used to want to write about how we all have to work to find the best in ourselves and others… how there should be less suffering and more humanity, liberty, equality, and peaceful coexistence… but that’s just an enjoyable fiction… there’s no way to follow that tale to its end… you can never solve the moment when you write about things like that…”

Sighing with sentiment, my friend says, “Your fantasies have lapsed into frustration…”

That’s when I wonder just how far down this brown-eyed troubadour can go…