March 28, 2024

I had another screaming/shouting jag this morning because I've gained about 20 lbs and I couldn't button my jeans! That just f*****g set me right off. "You fat f**k!" I shouted. "Fat f****n' s**t pig b***h w***e! F**k you,you moron, you b***h, you fat piece of s**t. All that drinking Fireball and those goddamn Doritos. You're gonna blow up AGAIN, aren't you?" I wonder if my neighbors heard me and if they'll put in another excessive noise complaint. It bothers me! Is it the SSRIs and anti-anxiety meds? Or am I letting out  years of undiluted suppression and angst? I gotta start exercising, doing more cardio. Climbing those stairs at work just ain't go' do it, bro. You gotta dig deeper. Find it within yourself. What makes this especially sad is I woke up after a very restful night of sleep. I felt terrific. I ate breakfast, took a shower...and then I tried on those f*****g jeans. The same goddamn jeans I wore just two days ago and I was able to button them, not easily, but I buttoned them. Oh (sigh) the rage in me is frightening. I feel like I've taken another version of myself and stuffed him inside of me and imprisoned him and he's screaming to get the f**k out of my body! And now my shoulder hurts. Bursitis? I do not want to take this to my doc. He'll refer me to an orthopedic specialist. I've had my fill of specialists. Most people take all the things that happen to me in stride. Like it's no big deal. I always think about that manic-depressive kid I worked with at Blockbuster Video thirty years ago. "It's the little, little things that bug me," referring to his manic depression. "They get me so f*****g crazy." I feel ya, bro. Me too.Goddammit, me too! Maybe I need some Xanax. Anyway, It's 11:53 AM and I gotta work today from 3:00 PM to 11:00 PM and I’ve gotta calm the f**k down.Someone or Something, please mercy on my soul.