It’s Not What You Write – It’s What You Don’t Write

 

[Bill is called into his manager's office]

 

Ed  Bill, let’s get down to brass tacks.

 

Bill:  I've never liked that expression.

 

Ed:  Focus, Bill.

 

Bill:  I'm actively listening.

 

Ed:  But you’re not focused.

 

Bill:  My eyes are fine; I just had them checked. Little bit of an astigmatism, but…

 

Ed:  Bill, I came across your blog…

 

Bill: [this catches his attention] Oh really?

 

Ed:  Yes, I did. And I have to say…

 

Bill:  How did you…

 

Ed: [waiting as long as he can] How did I come across it?

 

Bill:  Yeah.

 

Ed:  It was sent to me.

 

Bill:  By whom?

 

Ed:  That’s confidential.

 

Bill:  Wow, that’s unfortunate.

 

[pause]

 

Ed:  So you’re a writer?

 

Bill: [slight shrug]  Of sorts.

 

Ed  It's some strange stuff, man; I really didn’t understand any of it… It’s very… [searching] What’s the word?

 

Bill:  Esoteric?

 

Ed:  Vulgar.

 

Bill:  Vulgar? Really?

 

Ed:  You use a lot of swear words.

 

Bill:  Do I?

 

Ed:  And there’s an awful lot of sexual stuff goin’ on.

 

Bill:  Mmm.

 

Ed:  It’s like a totally different side of you…I wasn't quite prepared for any of that.

 

Bill:  What do you mean, a totally different side of me?

 

Ed:  I mean, at least around here you come across as such a quiet and polite and respectful guy...But your writing, man...

 

Bill:  What about my writing?

 

Ed:  It's so. Angry and bitter and rebellious.

 

Bill:  You were offended?

 

Ed: [careful about how he wants to say this]  Wouldn’t say I was offended… it was just...an eye-opener...

 

Bill: [nods]  Hmm…

Ed:  And, you’ve put us in a rather awkward position.

 

Bill:  How so?

 

Ed:  Well, it’s out there. Everybody knows about it. My manager knows about it. His manager knows about it.  It doesn’t look good. This is some very racy stuff. I was blushing at one point…

 

Bill:  You?  Were blushing?

 

Ed:  Maybe not “blushing blushing” … but it’s some pretty racy stuff. Very radical. Are you a radical?

 

Bill:  I don’t know.  What is a radical?

 

Ed:  Politically, are you…a leftist?

 

Bill:  If anything I'm a centrist.

 

Ed:  [surprised]  Really?

 

Bill:  Yeah, I mean, I don’t essentially consider myself a political animal at all, but if I absolutely had to choose some direction…

 

Ed:  Huh, that surprises me. From your writing, I would not have necessarily classified you as a centrist.

 

Bill: No?

 

Ed:  Definitely left of center. Like way left of center.

 

Bill:  See, I don’t even know what those terms mean.

 

Ed:  [in thought, perhaps trying to understand Bill]  Well, as I said, this is not exactly easy for me.

 

Bill:  What are you gonna do, write me up?  [slight chuckle]

 

Ed: I’m afraid I'm gonna have to terminate you.

Bill: [surprised]  Terminate me?

 

Ed: [a beat or three]  Look, if it was up to me…

 

Bill:  Don’t gimme that s**t if it was up to you! It is up to you! Don’t try to pass the buck, Ed!  What’s the big deal?  A bunch of silly little stories on a silly little blog that nobody even reads. Who ratted on me?  Donna?

 

Ed:  I told you, that’s…

 

Bill:  Confidential, I know… [shaking his head]  Wow, I’m like… [holds up hands in frustration]  So, whadda ya, gotta call loss prevention, have me escorted out?

 

Ed:  Actually, I do.

 

Bill:  [hoping it's not so]  This is unbelievable. What about all the IM-ing going on around here?  The personal emails?  The online games?  Are you like totally oblivious?  Are you not aware...?

 

Ed:  We're aware.

 

Bill:  But me, you’re gonna make an example of.

 

Ed:  You got caught.

 

Bill:  Oh, so can I catch somebody?  Can I walk through the building and catch my coworkers f****n’ around on their computers and will you fire them, too?  [gets up] Come, Ed, let’s take a walk.

 

Ed:  That’s not necessary. [picks up phone, dials extension]

 

Bill:  Tom plays online poker all the time. Come on, let’s go bust him. Come on!

 

Ed:  Hi, Greg, will you please come to my office and escort Bill Tomlinson out of the building? Thanks.

 

Bill:  Ed, I am not gonna take the fall for this!  I'm sorry, man!  [leaves the office and begins walking through the hallways searching for coworkers to expose. Comes across an office and knocks on the door]

 

Voice: [from inside] Yes?

 

Bill:  Shelly, it’s Bill.

 

Boyce:  Yes, Bill?

 

Bill:  [knocking frantically]  Can I come in?

 

[the door opens and Shelly stands there bewildered]

 

Shelly:  What's going on?

 

[Greg, from loss prevention, rushes down the hallway toward Bill]

 

Bill:  Tell Greg about all those times you went online to order all that s**t from Amazon and QVC, and eBay. Go ahead, tell him!

 

Shelly:  What are you talking about?

 

Greg:  Bill, don’t make a scene, man, let’s just go quietly, OK?

 

Bill: [walks across the hall to another office...the door is ajar, so he bursts in... a man, Chris, is sitting at his desk looking at Bill like he's crazy] And, Chris, you are always playin' fantasy football, don’t deny it!

 

Greg:  Bill…

 

Bill:  I am not the only one!  Janice in accounting, she does all her online banking at work… and Richard in marketing, gets on all these crazy frikkin’ fetish sites! Pissing and shitting…how is that turn-on?

 

Greg:  Come on, buddy, let’s go…

 

Bill:  Why me, Greg?  [almost whimpering] Why am I the fall guy?  Bro, I'm just trying to be a goddamn writer!  I'm tired of working!  I wanna write… I just wanna f*****g write, Greg… I wanna get published so I don’t have to work anymore… [drops to his knees, holds onto Greg's leg]  I'm tired of working, Greg. Can you understand that?  I'm frikkin’ tired. I mean, have you actually sat down and read any of my stuff?  Have you really read it?  I'm a social satirist, Greg. There are just so many injustices. So many crazy, corrupt, unethical, duplicitous, mean, sucky people in this world. I'm just trying to do my part by exposing them, capturing some of them on the page, and bringing them to light. Can you understand that?  A writer’s gotta write just like a… loss prevention guy’s gotta… prevent loss. We’re in the same business, Greg. I’m trying to prevent loss, too. Loss of hope. Loss of faith. Loss of innocence. Loss of sanity?  Don’t do it, Greg. Don’t give in to these capitalist thugs.  ‘Cuz once they’ve come after me, they’re gonna come after you, too. [a group of Bill's coworkers have now assembled outside Chris' office and are staring in utter amazement at the scene in front of them...Bill begins pointing to some of them one by one]  And you and you and you  and you… They’re gonna come after all of us. And once they’ve gotten us, they’ll go after somebody else until nobody is left, and that’ll be the end of civilization as we know it. [Ed has made his way through the crowd and is standing over Bill]  You see, you can’t just terminate me, Ed. You gotta terminate everybody here. Because we’re all complicit… we’re all to blame for something. We’re all at fault. Even you, Ed... all those times you went on Craigslist.  You know what I'm talking about, don’t you?  [Ed looks at him as if to tell him to shut up]  Casual encounters?  m4m?  Hmm?  [Ed shakes his head]  That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Ed listed an ad. “White bottom dude seeks big black dude.” Ed's got a bad case of jungle fever, folks. Or how about the “nice quiet shy guy with a kinda kinky side looking for horny versatile twink…”  That was a classic, Ed. Boy, you think my stuff’s racy…

 

Ed:  That’s not true.

 

Bill:  Greg, you can investigate stuff like that, right?  I mean, you guys spent god knows how much money on that software that tracks our keystrokes, right?

Greg:  Right…

 

Bill:  [to Ed]  So whadda ya say?  Mr. White Bottom Dude?

 

Ed:  You’re fired, Bill.

 

Bill:  Did ya’ll hear that?  [mimicking Ed]  “You’re fired, Bill.”  Did you hear the absolute hollowness?  The cold, distant, unfeeling, uncaring tone of  this paunchy, pale, workaday drone?  [some giggles from some of Bill's coworkers]  This lazy, predictable, petulant, anxiety-racked neurotic?  [more giggles]

 

Ed:  [to Greg]  Get him out of here…

 

[Greg grabs Bill and lifts him onto his feet]

 

Bill:  This lonely, clichéd, ambiguous example of middle management dressed in khakis and a Pinpoint Oxford Button-down Collar Dress shirt… [he allows Greg to escort him out, but continues shouting at Ed and the others]  Who probably lies in bed, staring at the ceiling, terrified of the void and the existential horror of being alive. A man constantly in search for a place where he can be the chief visionary, the chief strategist. Well, guess what, Ed? There are no happy endings in life. You better get used to that. There is only the indifference of the universe. It is all but a meaningless little flicker.

 

[and Bill is gone]

 

Ed:  OK, people, back to work…

 

[the crowd disperses]

 

[two coworkers, Joy and Ron, walk back to their offices]

 

Ron:  Have you read any of Bill’s blog?

 

Joy:  I have.

 

Ron:  What did you think?

 

Joy:  I think his writing has a very arbitrary, abstract quality. I mean, where’s the emotional intensity?  The gamble?  Where’s the performing surgery on himself?  Looking as deep as a person can look inside himself. Self-torture as an art form. I didn’t see any of that.

 

Ron:  And I don’t feel much electricity coming from the page and it’s not really providing something only good writing can give you. There’s no emotional core. I was looking for a memorable poetic voice. There's absolutely no alliteration, no consonance.

 

Joy:  Exactly…

 

[Fade to black]

Reviews

[roarke]

Strong script Philip, moves and shakes. Good stuff. Heh, subjectivity, like Karma, is a real b***h.

[Philip Gaber]

Not only is it a b***h, it's a b*****d. Thanks Bill