choosing to fill the role

Well, I was having trouble writing an ending to whatever the hell it was I was writing at the time, so I grabbed a beer out of the fridge, hopped into the old Impala, and went to see this "divine personality" named Ranjit to see if I could get unstuck.

Ranjit was one of those  "gurus" who promised to unlock your hidden potential so you can achieve all kinds of personal power and s**t.

He said, "Close your eyes, open your mind…"  Told me I was eating "angry food…"  Meat, processed foods, preservatives, blah blah blah. I should be eating "happy foods."  Fruits, vegetables.

I said there are Cambodian Buddhists who eat meat. Why are you telling me I shouldn't eat meat?

He said he understood there are some Cambodian Buddhists who eat meat, but you will be a much happier man if you do not eat meat.

I said, do you think I'm an unhappy man?

He smiled and nodded his head.

"What makes you think I'm so unhappy?"  I said.

"The mere fact that you asked me if I thought you were unhappy tells me you're unhappy."

I got mad at Ranjit.

Told him he was an intellectual fake, a fraud, and a charlatan. I stormed out of there and headed straight for the nearest bar and drank until I was drunk and passed out in the men's room and was escorted out by an undercover copper who told me to get my a*s home, or he'd arrest me for disorderly conduct and do you know I almost slugged him?  Nearly hit the son of a b***h.

And then I heard this voice in my head. My mother's voice. She said, "Go home. I have cookies waiting for you."  And I told the copper that, too.

He looked at me like I was crazy.

Maybe I was.

Perhaps I still am.

As I was leaving, I said to the copper, "I'm just one more post-adolescent, faux nihilist who's unhappy because he gets drunk, f***s evil, crazy baby mamas, eats meat and processed foods." And the copper looked at me deadpan and said, "That's funny, cuz to me you look exactly like an anti-hero who ventured out on a quest to seek the golden fleece but couldn't kill off any monsters or face any hurdles, so by the time he returned home to knock off his pops and assume the thrown, pffft, the kingdom was gone."

I just looked at the copper like I always look at coppers, like I'm looking at the ingredients on a bag of snack chips high in trans fats, and said, "Thanks. It sounds like I just found an ending to my story." So I returned to my room at the boarding house, locked the door, sat down at my Underwood Universal portable typewriter, and wrote the final paragraph of my story.

"Back then, I was constantly getting faced with my own humanity, and the only way I knew how to keep myself from going crazy was to zoom off on a lost weekend of debauchery for the sheer drunken hell of it and pound back the kamikaze shots with women who had despair in their faces that was a mixture of tragedy and comedy; but I'd always end up getting in my own way and feeling ridiculous, so I'd burrow my way back into my emotional shell and pray that one day I'd be redeemed by the love of a pulled-together woman because I knew I had so little time left…"

Reviews

[roarke]

Yeah, I think this needs more fruits and vegetables… a Bloody Mary will fix that right up…. I like the Ranjit character, and I think the copper could use more screen time… and those agoraphobic, hermit crab escape room shells… they’re time shares, aren’t they?

[Philip Gaber]

I wish I had a Ranjit in my life and yes to all your questions. Funny comment 🤣