full of pretenses

Went to the library.

Asked the sort of sexy librarian for a book written by a guy who thought he had a handle on his emotions but had come undone following an Up with People performance in Montpelier, Vermont.

The librarian pecked a few keys on her keyboard, squinting at the monitor for what seemed like twenty-seven-point-eight seconds.

"Yes, sir, we do have that title. It’s called ‘Confused, Anxious, and Angry: One Man’s Downward Spiral into an Anonymous Abyss.’" Suddenly, her eyes narrowed, and she scrunched up her face: "Ooooh. That sounds awfully depressing."

From that point on she avoided eye contact with me. "Adult nonfiction," she said sternly, not offering to help me locate it.

I walked through the maze of shelves.

By the time I found the call number and the book, I needed a nap.

The book was old and decrepit; it had last been checked out eighteen years ago, and before that, only a handful of times. Pages were loose, the spine was damaged, but somehow, after all these years, the jacket had survived. Scattered throughout the book’s margins were handwritten comments like: "Bite me," or "I like this," or "Interesting," or "Bullshit horseshit," or "Be careful. Gladys has Chlamydia." Entire passages were either highlighted with a yellow highlighter or underlined with a fat, messy ballpoint pen. I thought it must be a pretty worthwhile book if people actually took the time to underline and highlight it.

I flipped to the back of the book, looked at the author’s picture (for a guy who’d just experienced a downward spiral into an anonymous abyss, he looked relatively happy) , and read his bio:

"Jasper E. Wiggins was born in Buddha, Indiana , and educated at North American University, where he received a legal, accredited law degree in 27 days. As a kid he was always goofing around and falling off his bike and playing around with his mother’s funny hats and things like that. He now lives in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Arizona, where he says he’s sometimes confused about his future and identity. In his spare time, he plays the banjo while watching the Lawrence Welk Show and makes hemp jewelry."

I opened the book to page 421 and focused my eyes on the fourth paragraph.

"He believed in his lord, his god, though they were not on very intimate terms. He went to church, but mostly because he felt guilty for not going. The women in his life didn’t think he had much get-up-and-go,
but they liked his sense of humor and the sadness in his heart, which they found absolutely fascinating and made them curious. His parents,
who never had the courage of discovery, abandoned him at the age of five, gave him up for adoption, and hid from their destiny, their own tribunal. (It’s all symbolic)."

I stopped reading at that point, closed the book, and headed for the check-out counter.
　
　

Reviews

[roarke]

You know… J.E. Wiggins and I have the exact same Bio….I wonder how that happened? Hahaha I enjoyed this hunk, and it also gave me some inspiration. I never thought about using libraries and old books as source material for short stories… good concept Philip.

[Philip Gaber]

I find almost anything can make a good concept, as long as you can discover the right angle. Thanks, Bill.