Open Phones

　

Let’s wander over here to Don. Don, you’re on the air.

Hi, Dr. Ginger, how are you?

Very well, thank you.

I’m sorry, I’m a little nervous…

No need to apologize for being nervous.

(slight chuckle) Alright.

What’s going on, Don?

Well, I’m in trouble, I think. A little trouble, err…

What sort of trouble?

I don’t know if it’s trouble or not.

Either you’re in trouble or you’re not in trouble, Don, which is it?

I got a girl pregnant.

Ah-hah.

Two, actually.

Two? You got two women pregnant?

Yes, ma’am.

Are you married?

Yes I am.

Is one of the pregnant women your wife, by any chance?

Neither of them are.

Ohhkay! Isn’t that interesting?

(nervous laugh) Uhh yaa…

You know something, Don?

What’s that?

I was wrong. You should be nervous.

I know.

How did all this play out?

Well…

You can’t keep your pecker in your pants?

It’s not that I can’t keep it in my pants.

Of course it is. If you’re married and you got two other women pregnant, you can’t keep your pecker in your pants. That’s just simple mathematics, Don, no?

In a way, I guess.

"In a way," you "guess?" Don…

Yes.

Are you just so fine that women can’t keep their hands off you? Are you that fine?

I’m alright.

You’re alright.

Yah.

How old are you, Don?

Thirty-four.

Kids?

Two.

Oyy.

I know.

So if you know…never mind. Who are these other women? How did you happen to meet them?

I just meet women throughout the course of the day.

So where did you meet them?

(pause) At a bar.

A bar?

Yes ma’am.

You’re thirty-four years old, you’re married, you have two kids, what are you doing frequenting bars, Don?

I like to go to them every now and then.

You don’t go to bars. When you’re married with children, you do not go to bars, unless you’re with your wife, do you understand that?

My wife lets me.

Your wife does not let you go to bars by yourself.

She told me it was alright.

Don, are you telling me the truth?

Yes ma’am.

Why don’t I believe that? Do you know why I don’t believe that, Don?

No ma’am.

Because I’m a woman and there is no way in hell I would allow my husband to go to a bar by himself.

Yes ma’am.

You know what, Don? I think you’re lying. Why are you lying to me?

Well…

Are you lying to me? (pause) Don, answer my question, are you lying to me?

No, I’m not lying.

So your wife…what sort of wife do you have? What kind of woman is she? Are you telling me…does she go to bars by herself?

No ma’am.

So we have a little double-standard going on in your relationship, don’t we, Don? In other words, what’s good for the goose ain’t so good for the gander, is that what you’re saying?

No ma’am.

So why don’t you let her go to bars by herself?

Because she can’t.

What do you mean, she can’t? Why can’t she?

She’s a quadriplegic.

(pause) Ohh…Well, you didn’t tell me that.

Yes ma’am.

Now I understand. I still don’t approve of it, but I understand.

Yes ma’am.

But in the meantime, two other women are pregnant by you.

Yes ma’am.

That you met in a bar.

Yes ma’am.

Don?

Yes ma’am?

Stop calling me "ma’am." It’s really annoying me.

Sorry about that.

(a sigh) I don’t know what to say to you, Don.

I know.

I mean, I know what to say to you, but the question is, are you ready to hear what I have to say to you?

Yes ma’am. I mean, I think so.

You know I think you’re scum, Don. You know that.

I believe I do.

And that I think you ought to rot in hell for eternity. You’re aware of that.

Absolutely.

Having said that…Are you prepared to support these children, Don?

If I have to.

Mm mm, you didn’t listen to the question. Are you prepared to support them?

(pause) Well…?

I didn’t think so. And the women you impregnated? Are they prepared to become mothers?

I didn’t ask them.

(an incredulous chuckle) Well, Don, what the hell have you been doing since you found out you’re going to be a daddy again? (no reply) Hello? Don?

I’m here.

I don’t think you are here. I think you’re very much on another planet in a galaxy far, far away right now, hoping that this whole thing will just blow over and that these women will just magically disappear from your life forever. Maybe they will, I don’t know them…or maybe your seed is just so damn desirable that women are just knockin’ themselves over tryin’ to get themselves some because they know their children are going to grow up to be geniuses. Is that possible?

I don’t know about that.

You’re right, I don’t know about that, either, Don. Here’s my suggestion. Get another job. An extremely well-paying job. I also want you to tell your wife.

You think?

Do I think, Don? Were you not gonna mention the fact that you knocked-up a couple of s***s?

I hadn’t made up my mind one way or the other.

Well, I’ve just made up your mind for you, okay?

Okay.

My God!

You’re right.

Of course I’m right. Now get outta here. I’m gonna get fired if I keep talking to you.

Thanks.

Don’t thank me. Just pray that your wife doesn’t put a hit out on you. I’ll be back after the news…if you’re lucky. Jesus, can you believe out of eight million sperm, that guy won? Pathetic, absolutely pathetic. Lord, help us…