So look at me now

This is real life, this is me...

It has almost been a year. A year since I took my life back.

Leaving wasn't easy, it wasn't even what I wanted to do, but look at me now - look at how different my life is, how well I function... Did you ever think this possible? I know I didn't.

It's sad really, compared to others my life is very simple - in comparison to 'normal' people I have not done much at all... But I know my journey, I know how far I have come.

It's hard to remember sometimes, to put life into perspective. But this time 13 months ago I was a recluse, I was deeply depressed and dosed up to my eyeballs. My mind was vacant and my heart sealed. I did not live I merely moved from day to day.

I used to be too frightened to even answer the door or the telephone, I used to scream and cry and every emotion was a heightened one. Cleanliness, hygiene and housework were not words in my vocabulary...  I believed that everyone hated me, nobody loved me. I was a useless mother, I was lazy.

I was demanding and selfish, my thoughts were a tangled web of destruction and darkness.

This time 13 months ago I wanted nothing more than to die.

Yes, these things are an embarrassment to me now and painful to think of but that does nothing more than to prove my point.

 

So look at me, what do you see?

I am around family who love me and I believe that they love me. I answer the door without a second thought, I answer the phone and even stretch to making phone calls.

I am always clean, my house is always clean.

I am a good mother, I do the best that I can with my children.

My emotions are more controlled and smaller but still expressed.

If I want something I get it myself, if I need something I provide it, I am done with relying on other people.

My thoughts are not conventional, but who wants conventional thoughts? I am no longer in turmoil within my own mind. I am present within my mind, no longer vacant.

I like me, others like me.

 

So look at me and tell me, what do you see?

I may not own a house or a car, I don't have a career, I have very little money...

But I'm finally functioning, I'm finally here.  

 

I left you, I left that life - not because I wanted to but for a need to live.

I did it for me and I did it for them and I am so glad I did because maybe if I hadn't I wouldn't be here, writing this right now.

Reviews

[Lydia Blackwell]

Good for you. Your courage is evident in everything you write.

[Ed Hart]

hurray for the good guys (oops, girls)!