From Eden

To love with a voyeuristic heart

I am the dark wood 

which will manifest 

the final birth

Put the frozen heart to thaw

Finally exhume the golden law

 

Her eyes made it seem

She felt things unparalleled

In her gaze, one could deem

Feverish dynasties quelled

 

From Eden, she was never banned

Hers was the present darkness

A floating orb, not yet manned

Descending into perfect blankness

 

Version 2

 From Eden

 

 

To love with a

 voyeuristic heart,

I am the dark wood 

which will manifest 

the final birth,

put the frozen

 heart to thaw,

finally exhume

the golden law.

 

Her eyes made it seem,

She felt things unparalleled.

In her gaze, one deemed,

feverish dynasties quelled.

 

From Eden, she was not banned,

hers was the present darkness.

A floating orb, not yet manned,

descending, perfect blankness.

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

This is a solid piece, my only real recommendation would be to rethink the last rhyme; blankness doesn't seem to work well with darkness--mostly because it requires the conjugation of 'ness' for it to rhyme, which is generally something I avoid. My favorite segment was your first stanza, the words flow very well!

[Frontier]

thanks Nusquam, I will consider that.

[Wuji]

I adore this poem, it's perfect. It has a depth and a real power.

[Frontier]

Oh thank you! I'm so glad! :) what a pleasant surprise :)

[Wuji]

I can honestly keep reading this piece over and over...it's a bit crazy.

[s y e]

Frontier, this is a very nice piece. Lovely, unique perspective.

[Chris Micha]

Beautiful piece, Frontier! This was a very unique perspective and I enjoyed it. :)

[Frontier]

Thank you Christian, :)

[...]

i like start this poem . and it s going well on. this poem is build from fire . my heart beat double after reading. great done

[Frontier]

thank you Martin, I'm pleased it had such an effect on you. :)

[kublakhan27]

An interesting piece, a little mysterious...certainly a unique way of looking at Eden...I love the idea of feverish dynasties quelled, but I love all the imagery you've offered up...well done :)

[Frontier]

Thank you Kubla. It's about how maybe mankind was banned from Eden but maybe Eden hasn't left some people. :)