From Eden

To love with a voyeuristic heart

I am the dark wood 

which will manifest 

the final birth

Put the frozen heart to thaw

Finally exhume the golden law

 

Her eyes made it seem

She felt things unparalleled

In her gaze, one could deem

Feverish dynasties quelled

 

From Eden, she was never banned

Hers was the present darkness

A floating orb, not yet manned

Descending into perfect blankness

 

Version 2

 From Eden

 

 

To love with a

 voyeuristic heart,

I am the dark wood 

which will manifest 

the final birth,

put the frozen

 heart to thaw,

finally exhume

the golden law.

 

Her eyes made it seem,

She felt things unparalleled.

In her gaze, one deemed,

feverish dynasties quelled.

 

From Eden, she was not banned,

hers was the present darkness.

A floating orb, not yet manned,

descending, perfect blankness.

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

This is a solid piece, my only real recommendation would be to rethink the last rhyme; blankness doesn't seem to work well with darkness--mostly because it requires the conjugation of 'ness' for it to rhyme, which is generally something I avoid. My favorite segment was your first stanza, the words flow very well!

[Frontier]

thanks Nusquam, I will consider that.

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the second version. You create interesting place and situation. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

Very strong poem. I enjoyed the two versions and a lot of people dont do that :)

[Jessica Lynn Polley]

I really like this poem a lot and I think version one flows just a little bit better. This whole concept is really awesome I kind of wanted it to be longer. :)

[Ian Gilmour]

I liked the first one more. The idea behind it is pretty radical as well and I like it a lot. She wasn't exiled, yet she feels exiled from herself. It's a fascinating concept.

[Cory Barrett]

i am rather partial to version number 2. Both are quite good

[A. Amos]

Your talent is ranting out from your ecery single word, simply amazing!

[Tree]

This voice has a commanding authority, as it should. Eden can't make promises like this, if she can't come through. You need to believe in Eden, for if one can't recognize the Eden inside us all, as truth? then you/we are all doomed... This piece, was complex, and layered with meaning, so one could find many things of their own, scattered, between these lines. But that, is what I saw, and felt... On another note I have to again recognize the author's drive for working on her craft, for striving to turn over every word, verse, and stanza. I do the same. I keep culling and shaping, forging, and banging away at my poems demanding –––– that she either break –––– revealing her flaws ... Or stand up stronger, leaner, for having survived the poet's long & honest journey, to become, hopefully, a better poem.
I think you achieved that here.

Nice piece, Frontier. Your work is only going to get better and better
because you put them up for scrutiny.

[fireblossom]

OK...I want to live with you for a hundred years or at least until this echoing leaves my head. I won't read any more of you today lest I say yes to everything you ask and sell my truck to your uncle for a dollar.

Great writing.

[Frontier]

Hahaaa and the echoes go on.... :)

[fireblossom]

lol...indeed they do. :-)