First

I.
The first time I ever kissed a boy,
He was all hands and lips
That tasted like Mountain Dew
And whatever it was he had eaten for lunch.
I forgot to open my mouth, too focused
On the circle of eyes surrounding us, chanting�"
“Dare. Dare. Dare.”
And after the humiliation was over,
I wiped my face and walked through the woods
Back to my house
Thinking that Twelve was too young to start growing up.

II.
The first lie I ever told was to my Father,
When he asked why my Mom was in the bathroom
Crying.
I shrugged my shoulders as an ‘I don’t know’
Slipped softly, sneakily, from my lips.
I hoped he would just let it go (or let her go)
Because she told me he slept with another woman.
And that maybe he would leave us
And that maybe he cheated because she wasn’t pretty anymore.
“You are the most beautiful lady in the world,”
I tried to tell her, but the truth didn’t matter.
So I walked to my room and locked the door and
Cried�"
Thinking that Thirteen was too young to learn that not all things
Are as simple as black or white.

III.
The first time I smoked a cigarette
It was a Marlboro Red, from a pack my friend stole
From his older brother.
I held it tightly between my lips
Breathed in,
And coughed coughed, sputtered
And choked,
Tears coming to my eyes.
My chest hurt, and as I threw the butt to the ground
I had never been happier to inhale fresh air.
As we sipped our Coke to get the putrid taste out
of our mouths,
I started thinking that Fifteen was too young
To start killing yourself.

IV.
The first time I had sex, it was with a boy who bruised my pride.
Everything was rushed,
His Mom liable to come home from work soon,
And I fumbled because I had never put a condom
On anyone.
There was a rush of blood and pain and pleasure
And then it was over.
I was sticky and sweaty,
My clothes would not go on right,
Stumbling to make it back to my car.
There was no freeing feeling, as I had hoped there would be.
So I drove home with my head hung low,
And ate a bologna sandwich and decided to take a nap.
I was thinking, before I closed my eyes, Seventeen was too young
To give yourself away.

V.
The first time I got drunk was on a New Years Eve.
My friends and I, with great cunning, took
A bottle of Jack Daniels from my parents cabinet
And, sitting in my room, took turns taking sips.
It burned at first,
Gasoline running down my throat,
But every sip was slightly easier,
And we didn’t dare stop.
Confessions and confections;
Laughter and a spinning room.
The next morning,
With my head pounding, my lips cracked,
And a few things I couldn't remember,
I got to thinking that Eighteen was too young
To not be reckless sometimes.

VI.
The first time I found God,
I thought I had lost him.
Because when your Pastor tells you
You are a lost cause,
Because you can be too hard to love,
For the first time in your life you feel
Forsaken.
But I kept on praying,
And sinning,
And praying and fighting and forgiving
And hoping
For the light.
And though sometimes I still lose
(Sight of)
It,
I started thinking that Nineteen is too young
To give up on faith.

VII.
The first time I fell in love, I tripped
Head-first, by accident.
But the heart wants what it wants,
And mine was beating so loud in my ears,
I couldn’t hear a thing.
So I watched him, watching me talk.
And not talk.
And for a moment in time,
I had his hands and his lips and everything I needed.
But Summer turned cold, so swiftly�"
And the sparks in his eyes died out
Quietly.
On that rainy December night, tears fell from my face
As he walked away, my heart in pieces.
It took months to find myself again.
But when I did,
And the clouds finally cleared,
I began thinking that Twenty-One is too young
To have your heart broken.
But also that you’re never to young to love,
Or in my case,
Love again.

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[TLK]

We are always ready to live, but too soon. A startling chronology of events.