Losing you

I have few memories of you

though I loved you like my brother

what few I have are sweet

I wouldn't trade them for the world

we grew up beside each other

into something resembling adults

but we both loved to play

just enjoying days going by

but even with these fond thoughts

one sentence now comes to mind

whenever I remember you

"I killed you"

it started out as harmless fun

nobody said "hey you should stop"

I saw the danger of the game

far too late to keep you safe

I cried your name out in vain

then watched everything unfold

your body spun, flipped, was crushed

yet somehow you still lived

our father took charge

in spite of his own hurt

he raced you to the hospital

where we prayed for good news

but it wasn't meant to be

if you were to survive, they said

you would never be the same

we had to say goodbye

I watched you breathe your last

held you as you died

and so that sad thought began

"I killed my best friend"

it's ten years later now

I still feel that ache inside

and only now am I starting

to face what I had done

every time I think of you

tears well up in my eyes

my chest contracts

and it all feels new again

but who I am now

is nothing like who I was then

I'm older, wiser, and now, I want to say

on my way to a happy life

losing you, watching you die

was the hardest moment in my life

but without that trauma

I would still be confused about myself

I now know who I am

what my purpose is

and what I want to do

I want to help people

I want to help them learn from my mistake

I want to help them learn to slow down

to help them keep their loved ones safe

to make sure this never happens again

and to make sure

that something good

can come from something bad

something nobody should go through

everything I now do in life

I do to honor yours

to honor someone I loved

to make amends for what I did

and when that thought saying

"I killed you, I killed you, I killed you"

rears its ugly head again

I will grab it tight and take control back

I will take back my thoughts

I will take back my emotions

I will take back my pain

and I will take back my life

and I will tell that thought

you are wrong!

because I didn't kill you

I made a mistake

a mistake I regret

one I will make up for

with every life I touch

with every life I change

and I swear this to you now

those changes will be for the better

Reviews

[Lyanth]

I felt your pain in this. And I just want you to know, that you are not the only one. Regret is poison , guilt insidious...But keep on, never let it get a hold again. As horrible as these things are, they don't blame us. He doesn't blame you... And if he were grown now and beside you, he would tell you the same. I lost a friend to something similar, I blamed myself, still do at times. Don't, don't blame yourself. Because it will never change anything, but taking action, moving on with your life will. It could have been either of you, but you survived. Do not let that be in vain. He will reflect in you and live on through you. But you probably already know this, and this all may very well just be a poem, but if it holds any truth in your life I want to tell you, that you are amazing and having come back from this how you have is not an easy feat. You are stronger than you know, and in being so you will lift others up as well. Thank you for sharing this. God bless you.