not yet

i keep looking

    (closely)

examining the space

      under my fingernails

searching

  for the grit

         digging the knife

    (deep)

dragging the waters

for signs of us

 

i’m not quite sure

                what they say

                anymore

but i’m quite sure

                i quit listening

as soon as

   your eyes

            spoke to me

 

find me

                wire me a transfer

                of our dreams

my balance

                  bounced so hard

on these concrete floors

     indifferent contractors

                laid down

i need to see

                the heart

                                of us

                                beat like water

hard against weathered hands

                the earth of us

crusted with reason

                laughing at the cleansing efforts

                of every day

of the effort, less

work and days and time

 

we’re not done, dear

                until we’re all

                                spent

Reviews

[Cool Handless Luke]

it's hard to pick out a favorite line or phrase here when i like the work as a whole so much. you have definitely got the feel for this format of taking something apparently disjointed and making it flow so well. very well executed craft you are mastering!

[Ed Hart]

it's so hard to come back from distance, so hard to find answers once questions surface...our thinking leans toward what should be, should have been, should come again, but when we turn around all we can see is the corners turned, corners that didn't look like much at the time...but feelings, it's in the feelings, so subtle, so paralyzing, so evanescent...patchwork, once it becomes patchwork, how can our eyes keep from surveying the room...yes, well stacked, well timed, well told

[ChemicalMadness]

Thank you, friend.

[ChemicalMadness]

The finding answers...so true, that. Your vision is honed.

[emmajoy]

'.. dragging the waters ~~ for signs of us ~~ I’m not quite sure ~~ what they say ~~ anymore '

Clever use of metaphors though in part a little rough with the loving, in fact, I feel there's a hint of cynicism here but maybe it's my early morning. Your writing 's adventurous, always a step ahead of this reader's expectation, must learn to take time.

[ChemicalMadness]

Thanks, EJ...I've been told I should change my nom de plume to crypticmadness ;)

[End.]

wire me a transfer
of our dreams
my balance
bounced so hard
on these concrete floors
indifferent contractors
laid down


That is the highlight of imagery in this one (in my view), friend. Wonderful phrasing. I can definitely tell this was a gritty poem you wrote as a way to work something out. It has that raw, pure emotion that really draws the reader to a place where they can identify with you. The human condition is wonderful because it's universal. Good work, my friend!

[ChemicalMadness]

Thanks so much for the review!

[Ken Simm.]

Cynical, moody and dark but beautiful nontheless.

[ChemicalMadness]

Thank you, ken.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i like how you bring the
"transfer of our dreams" and "my balance bounced so hard" into this, nice metaphor.


as long as we have any energy, we can still save ourselves...save the "us"--

as usual...great wording, great phrasing..

very much similar to B Z Niditch and Lyn Lyfshin....

quite quite good.

[ChemicalMadness]

Too kind, sir!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

have you read either of them?

and i am not "too kind"--you write good stuff...wouldn't say that unless i felt it true...

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

A cathartic write indeed... I sense a coming back around to something; perhaps a reconcilliation of feelings that were once spent. Great writing; your style is so bright to my eyes and your emotional imagery so warming to my heart. Well done.

[ChemicalMadness]

Interesting take, GF. Thank you, as always!