Not a Lesbian, Just a Lover

A Story by Amelia Lunar

I loved listening to Ed Sheeran, I didn't know why, was it the way his voice sounded when he wrote beautiful lyrics about love? Was it the way each one of his songs reminded me of her? Thinking Out Loud was the song I wanted to sing to her on late nights while we are sitting in bed telling each other all our thoughts. I wanted to have all the special moments with her. I wanted to show her all the spectacular sites with her by my side. I wanted to give her the relationship I've always dreamed of even if she didn't think to give the same to me. I wanted to take her to bookstores and shower her with books and tea that I knew were her favorites. I wanted to know all the things she desired but was too afraid to ask for and make each wish of hers come true.

I believed I knew what it took to make her happy even though I could have absolutely no way of knowing if she would ever feel the same, doubting she had ever gave the matter much thought.

Because honestly I had only just realized all I wanted to do was spoil her with knowledge and love and show her a side she may not have even thought was there. I know the idea of being a lesbian had never been an actual thought of mine, never thought I would go through a phase like that. And I still haven't, because even though I want to date a girl I didn't see it like that, I wanted to be best friends with a wonderful, beautiful woman and show her the kind of love she deserves. Didn't mean I wanted any girl I saw on the streets or even got aroused by the thought of the nicest set of breasts. Honestly, I just wanted her, she seemed to be the only person I could think about.

Nobody could ever really trip me up, the idea of being up front with everyone because there was nothing really to hide had been second nature, but for some reason I'm starting to care about how I come off to her, care about what she may think and worry I'm going to reveal myself and push her away. Because we all know it could never happen, its just a really silly dream that I will keep dreaming about until she moves away to college and graduates head of her class (oh yeah, did I mention she's a genius). She will become a doctor and fight to cure infectious diseases and save the world from the patriarchy. I won't be in the picture, I won't be her other half who supports her through all of it. She won't be there for my journey either, maybe we'll catch lunches or something and maybe we'll attend each other's weddings. But I know she will never be mine in the way that will make us both feel alive and it is just not fair.