Bully

I held my breath and whispered 'Dear God please make me disappear'.
I could hear the snide comments about my hair, others replying 'with nasty tones 'yeah, bet she carries a brush around in her school bag!'. My stomach wanted desperately to be calm and unknot itself.
As slowly as I could, trying to avoid being noticed I turned my wrist and glanced... 12:20pm still forty gruelling minutes of commerce class left. I liked commerce, DID, not anymore unless it was being held on an island as a class of one.

'Riinnnnggg', finally the lunch bell rang and I waited in my chair slowly packing up my bag, while the girls purposely shoved my chair as they left class. I breathed out finally, my stomach sighing with relief.

Sitting in the alcove in silence while my 'sort of group' chatted and laughed I felt outside, like an invisible being, watching a movie from above. Like this wasn't my life but me watching someone else's daily activities, strange thought. I wondered if maybe I was a bit over mature?, maybe that's why I didn't contribute to conversation at break time.

'Riiiinnngg', end of lunch PE Theory, wonderful I thought another 45 minutes of torture. As i made my way to class, I silently wondered if I could get through just one class without ridicule.

'Ha she's got the same shoes as you Stacey !'
Michael pointed his finger at me, 'she's trying to be YOU Stacey!' He said.
A wave of laughter rang through the classroom.
I didn't say anything, I didn't move, I held my breath and felt my stomach cramp.
The girl looked at me with her eyes squinted, she didn't say anything but the look was one of 'oh you are pathetic!'.
I stared down at my PE exercise book desperately wishing I could spin the hand on the big clock above the teachers white board with my eyes like someone telekinetic.
'Damn I thought why did I have to pick these shoes!'

The bell rang and I wondered why I was such a point of interest to my nasty fellow students?

As I stared at the trees and houses racing past through the bus window. I thought and daydreamed

'S**t!', I jumped up grabbing my bag realising I'd missed my stop and now had to walk 4 blocks home.

Perfect!
A crappy end to a crappy day.

Primary school had been a breeze, everyone liked me and not one person apart from the pretend friend who thought telling me she hated me and spreading rumours that I wet the bed, was being a great mate !, ever teased me. Why is high school so different? The change was beyond me but from the day in year seven when I sat in the cold plastic chair in maths, I was in for a change.
The teacher announced that one person in the class had scored 99/100 in the maths test, I daydreamed for a second and imagined him saying my name. Then he did !
Well that was the end for me, the whispering commenced I heard snippets of 'nerd', 'probably reads the textbook every night', 'no life' and I could feel the narrowing eyes burning into my face and neck.

I went home that day not feeling proud or jumping up and down, but upset and depressed because I was so worried and anxious that the kids in my grade didn't like me.
I ran the class through my head, every second of it over and over, analysing every word, every facial image I'd stored in my memory, until my head hurt.
So in high school you were teased if you were too dumb, I thought, but also teased if you were too smart ? 'I've got it!,
I want to be somewhere in the middle! Yes that is my solution'.

From that day on I didn't try as hard, I purposely leaned my chair back in class and rested my feet on the desk. The teachers seemed to dislike the kids who did that.
I drew pictures inside the covers of my books instead of copying down notes and listening!
I dropped out of the top English class and asked to be put into the middle class.
I was on my way to being,.......
not noticed.
I smiled at the thought of blending in, a glint of joy shone through the weeks of torture that had begun my school year.
I grimaced as I ripped the brush through my long wet hair, threw my polo shirt on and frowned as I looked at my reflection. 'Why do you make people hate you?' I thought looking at the girl in the mirror. I wished at that moment I could morph into someone else and start again. A tear started to form at the thought of the day ahead. Wiping it away angrily, I grabbed my bag and walked the 2 blocks to the bus stop. There was a boy with red long hair in a pony tail leaning against the phone box. I hadn't seen him before, he had a black satchel bag slung across him and ripped jeans and he looked as unimpressed as I felt, to be at the bus stop.
My older brother was already there kicking a football with the boy that lived down the road and as I sat on the fence I imagined it hitting me.
Sure enough, bang!
The football hit me in the back of the head. I didn't even bother to look up I just stood and walked a bit further down the side road out of sight. I wasn't shocked or bothered really, I was in a zone of numb, so depressed that I really didn't care.

On the bus I sat in the middle watching the people get on at each stop. A tall, athletic looking girl with curly dark brown hair all tied up in a bun got on and strode confidently down the isle to a space on the back seat that had been saved for her. I wish I could be her, I thought.

When I got to school I robotically walked up the ramp on my way to my first class. Business studies was amazing, our teacher was so knowledgable, who ever knew coke started as a hangover cure ?
But I was so drained and numb I couldn't even smile.

The class begun with an announcement of an upcoming assignment.... An oral assignment !
Of course, I thought, what else could I have expected. Not for the day to be good!

I was angry today.

An oral was a speech or presentation presented to the class. With the entire class staring at you ! Oh my god !, it was my worst nightmare.
But today I didn't care.

I read the handout, we had to find suitable articles in the Australian newspaper and analyse the content, purpose and type. Sounded interesting but today I wasn't interested in anything.

As I sat in art, my favourite subject by far I found myself analysing my fellow classmates or haters and how confident they all seemed. By the end of class I could describe each person all the way down to their eye colour. I was very observant when it came to noticing the small details. The girl who chose to put the same awful country drawl, she called music on each lesson was really starting to get on my nerves. I decided I hated school today and everyone in it. I decided today I will do nothing and I couldn't have cared less.
I was sent out of class in English because I didn't copy the notes, I was made to write 400 lines in PE because I purposely forgot my change of clothes and I was sent to the deputy principals office for ignoring a teacher when asked a question.
But today I was numb, I didn't smile, I didn't eat, talk or do my school work and I didn't care.

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling after school and I thought, this must be the point where a person becomes so drained and so fed up with taking crap that they die inside.

The bright light coming through my window made me squint. I pulled the doona over my head and ignored mums calls to get up.
The numbness had not subsided. I spent the next few weeks out of class, in the principles office and writing lines until .... Carrie.

A new girl came her name was Carrie she was nice. We instantly became best friends and my uncaring numbness was gone. Carries parents were teachers and they had moved here from Newcastle, Carrie was fun, she was the kind of person who laughed when you tripped over, the kind of person who took a mouthful of drink then burst out laughing spraying it everywhere, the kind of person who could talk for hours about nothing. Carrie was just like me.

The weeks that followed were amazing, we had sleepovers, I tried nachos ! Grose ! I can't understand why anyone would want to make corn chips soggy and then eat them ?
I found Carries love books. Carrie read those mills and boon type stories of romance and valour. But to me they were hilarious, so I nicknamed them love books and we tormented one another in turn about our differences, all in fun of course and it WAS fun, it was great. I was happy really happy.

It was carries birthday today. I lovingly wrapped the diary and packed for the sleepover, I couldn't wait carrie was so much fun she'd planned games and everything. I arrived at carries at 3:00 an hour before Kelly and misty and gave her my present, she hugged me and took me to see the bracelet her parents had gotten her it was silver and beautiful. At 4 the other girls came and Carrie ushered everyone outside where there was a table set up with 4 cutting boards on it. On the boards were pyramids of what looked like white sand? As we got closer we saw a lolly on the top of the pyramids and looked at one another in confusion. Carrie said 'okay girls take a seat and when mum yells go you have to place your hands behind your back and retrieve the lolly only using your mouth!', she grinned in glee. 'Okay go girls', her mum yelled. I held my hands together behind my back and leant forward trying to get the lolly as it sunk deep into, what I realised was flour, gross. We all sat up in turn spitting and spluttering, carrie had obviously had practice as she sat with the lolly between her teeth grinning mischievously. I kept trying and all of the sudden I felt pressure on the back of my head and my whole face was in the flour! I flew up and spun around blinking the flour out of my eyes and chased carrie across the background with a handful if flour. 'C'mere walrus I yelled!, I'm gonna get you for that it's your turn!', she giggled hysterically as we ran round and round the tree. I darted back the opposite way and flung the flour at Carrie, it covered her and we hugged and collapsed on the grass in laughter. As we walked back to the girls brushing the flour off and shaking our hair, her mum beckoned us all inside for the next game. In the lounge room the coffee table had a huge bowl of chocolate squares in the middle and a set of dice. 'Its called EAT OR PICK', carrie explained.
'You have to roll the dice and every time you roll a double you can choose someone to eat the amount rolled or opt to eat it yourself'. Well of course everyone ganged up on one person which happened to be misty and she was almost gagging by the end of it.
Where did carrie come up with this stuff ? She was so great
Later that night we called boys on the phone giggling and hanging up and told secrets we'd never told anyone. Life was great
A month later I was waiting for carrie to get to school at the bus gate, she always walked from around the corner and I noticed something different about her as I watched her walk towards me. She wasn't smiling and didn't seem at all happy
'Whats wrong?' I asked
She looked at me really sadly and said, 'my mums getting a transfer'
'Transfer?, what do you mean?' I replied
'We're moving back to Newcastle', she said
Tears welled in my eyes at even the thought of carrie not being here.
'No you can't' I said
Carrie half smiled and we walked into school in silence. I didn't know what to say, what to think, this can't be happening!.

I cried myself to sleep and when I woke with puffy eyes stuck together with sleep I welled up again hugging the blanket.
Carrie was gone.
I was lost
All I could think was what will I do without her. My best friend had been taken away and there was nothing I could do about it.

Then came the sadness a sense of loss and confusion so deep it could cut straight through life and the importance of everything in it. A sadness so deep it impacted physically as well as mentally. A never ending nausea and emptiness. Nothing mattered and my care for everything disappeared.
I was numb so numb I was spontaneous without care of family or friends, so numb I was uncaring and without fear of anything!
I was dangerous....

I stopped trying at school, I felt the world hated me so why should I give it a second of my time ! Everybody I loved left, every time I found a connection, a friend fate happened and it was gone. Something or someone was destroying every beautiful thing that made me happy so that was it for me.