Chapter 5: The League of Ordinary Supervillains

The twins are sent on a mission by their mother, unknowingly helping her along with her sinister plans.

It seemed typical for a supervillain to send their underlings out to do their evil bidding in their stead for whatever practical or selfish reason they wanted, but Mike and Katherine didn't operate that way. Much like the parenting style they used in every other situation, they instead chose to just send their children out to do their own thing, so long as it was on the dark side of the moral horizon. So imagine the reactions Mike Jr. and Josephine had when they were sent out on an actual mission for once. The former immediately groaned and tried to weasel his way out of it, while the latter appeared shocked, an emotion that rarely came over her.

Nonetheless, the twins figured it wasn't worth complaining for hours, so they decided to get it over with. Today's objective brought them over into Seattle, Washington, a trek that would've taken weeks with a physical body. According to their mother, there were some abandoned circus grounds just outside the city, holding a highly important object she needed for whatever her sinister goals were. Not that either of them cared what she was up to, just so long as it didn't involve pushing them around. She'd been doing that way too much as of late.

"Welp, we're here!" Mike Jr. proclaimed, upon stepping through the dingy arch that used to be vibrant and colorful. He looked back to see his sister casually strolling a good ways behind him. "Jesus Christ, why do women walk so slow?"

"You know, sometimes I wonder if you really are questioning your worth as a villain." Josephine scowled, way beyond used to her brother's sexism. "We're already planning to sabotage Mom's plan, and I'd hate to have to turn on my twin too."

"Hey, old habits die hard. Plus, we can't exactly betray Mom yet, if we don't know what she's up to."

"Like I don't know that, genius. Now where are we supposed to find that object?"

"How about we check the most obvious place?" Mike Jr. pointed to a large, red and purple circus tent in the dead center of the park.

"Yeah, right. Like someone would be dumb enough to hide such an allegedly powerful item in the main attraction… but since it's too soon to breathe the same air as Mom again, why don't we check there anyway?" Josephine shrugged, trotting ahead of her twin.

"Right behind ya!"

Inside the tent, the twins gazed around at its surprisingly spacious interior, dimly lit due to the sunlight that barely peeked through the translucent walls. Old wooden bookshelves lined the walls on the bottom floor, containing thick books, crystal balls, voodoo dolls, and masks, many of which had spilled onto the floor and caught a ton of dust. Some dodgy-looking staircases spiraled up towards the ceiling, with a few bigger landings along the way. Most notably, a massive machine resembling a mechanized coffin with a glass panel on the front stood in one corner, a large lever standing atop a stage nearby.

"Guess I should give you props. This does look like a villain's lair," Josephine noted as she started to explore.

"Yeah, and to think Mom was able to locate this by binge-watching sitcom DVDs," Mike Jr. added. "Heh, and you thought I was full of s**t. Now pay up!"

"We didn't bet, meathead. Now c'mon, let's split up and search this place."

Sneering as his sister stalked away, Mike Jr. scanned the room from where he stood, and it was only when he looked up that something caught his eye. All the way up on the top floor of the tent, he could make out the end of what looked to be a long, thin black cane, a translucent, spinach green orb at the tip, just barely lit up by what little sunlight managed to seep through the walls. He didn't hesitate to sprint up every last flight of stairs until he got to the ceiling, not sacrificing any stamina or effort in the process. Once he'd picked up the staff, which was about two thirds his height, he hurried back down to the bottom.

"Ugh, such a waste of time," Josephine growled, rooting through the fallen piles from the shelves. "The f**k were we supposed to look for again?"

"Looking for this?"

"Gah!" Shrieking in surprise, the younger twin whipped around to see her brother's goading smirk, just above the mysterious staff in his burly arms. "Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, that's the one."

"Glad to hear it."

"Don't let it go to your head, dumbass. A broken clock is right twice a day."

"Yeah, sure." Mike Jr. nonchalantly used the staff as a back-scratcher as the twins jogged out of the ruins. "Say, I always wondered: why is the younger twin almost always the smart one? Is it, like, a comedy thing?"

"Beats me. If I had to guess, it's because the younger twin has to stay in the womb for a bit longer, resulting in a more developed brain," Josephine answered with an indifferent shrug.

---

Wasn't long before the dubious duo had arrived back home without issue. Mike Jr. opened the front door with his spare key, savoring the unobstructed sound of it creaking open as it echoed throughout the high-ceilinged foyer. No obnoxious greeting or nagging from Katherine to break the welcoming silence, and the twins wouldn't have it any other way… more so the elder of the two.

"Hmmm…" Josephine cocked an eyebrow, scanning the room in a leery manner.

"What is it, Josie?" Mike Jr. smirked, hoping to rile up his twin, but his attempt failed.

"It's not like Mom to not smother us every time we come home from our evil outings."

"Yeah, so? Why can't we just revel in this welcome change of pace?"

"First of all, I'm surprised you even know that word. Secondly, we live in a household of supervillains. If anyone breaks their usual habit, that's usually a sign."

"If you say so…"

Staying together, the pair trekked into the study, assuming their mother would be in there, more than likely plotting something. But alas, she wasn't there. The kitchen and living room were also unoccupied, and so was the master suite. Why would Katherine suddenly change up her daily schedule like this, especially without letting her kids know? And if she wasn't in any of her usual parts of the house, then where'd she run off to?

Giving up, the twins retired to the living room. Mike Jr. lazily plunked himself onto the couch, surfing the internet on his phone. Josephine, while not known to be as energetic as her slightly older brother, found herself pacing across the floor uncontrollably. She did this for about two minutes, before one of her feet nudged something on the ground; it turned out to be the head of the sloth bear rug that adorned the lacquered wood floor.

"Eww, I completely forgot about this! Why does Mom have such lousy taste?" she moaned, quickly noticing one of the preserved eyes rolling out across the floor. "Aaaggghhh, gross!"

Taking a closed-eyed deep breath after screaming at the pinnacle of her lungs, she knelt down to pick up the eye, wincing at its slightly squishy texture until she felt something small and hard under her foot. Lifting it up revealed it to be a small, spherical piece of obsidian.

"Huh, looks like it could also fit in that socket… eh, why not?"

Josephine inserted the stone into where the bear's left eye would be, setting the real one onto the coffee table as she wiped her hands on her clothes with a sigh of relief. But before she could completely relax, a series of ominous noises could be heard. First came a "shoof" sound, signifying the large, modern fireplace being put out. A couple of mechanical sounds were quick to follow as the log and rack disappeared into the side of the chamber and a sleek, platinum elevator rose from the now free spot. An innocent ding capped off the short symphony as the doors glided open, revealing an entirely black interior.

By now, Mike Jr. had risen from the sofa and joined his sister, both looking a little shocked at the sudden turn of events.

"Whoa, sick! It's almost like we're in a Bond movie!" he said in awe.

"Specifically the types of homes that the villains lived in." Josephine gave a slight nod. "No doubt that's where Mom is. Let's just give her the staff so she can get off our backs for the rest of the day."

With nothing more to say, the two stepped into the elevator, greeted by pitch darkness as soon as the doors closed. Peculiarly, there wasn't a single button to be found; not even an alarm button, but then again, this was an evil family. Probably the same reason why the elevator's descent was so abrupt and fast-paced. Mike Jr. had half a mind to jump while inside it, but the speed they were going at was enough to deter him. If visibility was so poor, his sister might've also shaken her head to talk him out of it as well.

Five minutes of stomach-churning travel later, the elevator slowed down just enough to where it would hit the bottom floor without crashing. Still a bit disoriented from their trip, the twins tumbled out as soon as the doors opened, landing on a spectacled bear-skin rug that covered the nearby white marble floors.

"Ugh, another one of these rugs? What the hell is in those cigarettes Mom smokes all the time?" Josephine groaned, feeling the fur beneath her.

"I wouldn't think much of it. It's perfectly normal for a supervillain to make taxidermy out of rare, vulnerable creatures," Mike Jr. replied, dusting himself off as he stood up.

"That has to be the most intelligent thing I've ever heard you say."

That aside, the twosome continued their trek into this hidden basement. The walls were marble just like the floors, but they were blackish blue, and the hallway was completely undecorated, aside from some tube lights in the ceiling, resulting in a very dim interior. The only unique aspect of this new location were the many large fish tanks built into the walls, painstakingly specialized to suit the goblin sharks that swam around inside. Josephine looked a little unnerved at the sight of those rare, deep-sea creatures; the way they slowly glided through the murky waters, extending their jaws to snap at whatever piece of food drifted into their path; their long, flat snouts, beady eyes, and needle-like teeth, all juxtaposed by the fact that their skin was pink. Probably the least intimidating color there was.

Before long, things got more interesting as the hallway ended. A massive, ovoid conference room was present; it was a little more lit up than the hall that led to it, and more of those shark tanks could be seen all over the walls and even on the ceiling. A series of about thirty rolling office chairs were arranged around the long oak table. One of these chairs, situated at the farthest end from the entrance, was a bit larger and upholstered with red leather, and happened to be occupied by Katherine. Three of the chairs on either side of her were occupied by some strangers, but the twins were currently focused on their mother's new look.

Her platinum-blonde chignon was adorned with black roses and a see-through sparkly bun cover. Her usual dark red eyepatch was replaced by a zebra-print one, matching her fingernails, while gray eye-shadow surrounded her one good eye, the one she hadn't lost when that swarm of sharks had taken her life. Black lipstick adorned her upper lip, while her lower one was glossed white. Beneath her neck, surrounded by a silver locket on a chain, she wore a black leather bustier with a white skull pattern and a matching thong, white fishnets covering her legs and hips. A white leather boot covered one foot, with a black one on the other, and on the back of her top was a boned, upturned collar, like the neck frill seen on a frilled lizard.

It didn't take long for Katherine to spot her children walking into the room. Furrowing her brows in a devious manner, she let out a sinister chuckle as she stood from her seat, joining her new minions in watching the twins approach the table.

"Well hello there… my darling kids."

"Er, hi… wh-what's with the new look?" Mike Jr. stuttered a bit, trying to keep his eyes on his mother's face. "…why'd it have to be my mom wearing that?"

"Oh, just thought I'd look the part for when we launch our latest dastardly scheme!" Katherine posed in a seductive manner, making her son flinch but not fazing her daughter in the slightest.

"I swear to god, if she starts singing or stroking a cat…" Josephine quietly growled.

"You never told us you would be getting your children involved in this," said a Russian woman with an athletic build, her white hair styled into a swept-back pixie cut. She wore a goldenrod gi adorned with a black belt, dark gray wraps around her hands and feet, and a matching high-impact sports bra visible under her top. Most peculiarly, her eyes were completely black, surrounded by veins of the same color.

"Yeah, those two look like total amateurs!" a chubby Asian guy in his late teens spoke up, wearing a sumo costume and a luchador mask. Some orange fingerless boxing gloves adorned with brass knuckles were worn on his hands.

"Oh yeah?! Well how about I make your fat a*s eat those words, you sentient punching bag?!" Mike Jr. was about to pounce on him, before his sister held him back.

"Hate to admit it, Pygmy Hippo, but the muscle-brained jock with the outdated hairstyle has a point," scoffed a slightly older, Australian male with black hair gelled into a mohawk, folding his arms. He wore a brick red leather jacket with black skinny jeans, scarlet combat boots and black fingerless gloves, a gold pentagram in plain sight around his neck.

"I wouldn't act so smug if I were you, Balthazar. I mean, you died in the process of donating a kidney, for f**k's sake," the Asian teen scoffed back. "Where's your pride, man?"

"And I'm surprised you have as much pride as you do, considering I'm the one who got you killed. Same with Queen Cobra, now that I think about it."

"That's enough out of you two," Katherine interjected. "Seriously, why can't a group of villains that barely share an interest come together amicably for once?"

"Don't know, don't care," Josephine replied, stepping forward as she slid the staff from one end of the table to the other. "Meaningless banter aside, we brought that staff you sent us out to get."

"Ah yes, perfect! It's just as magnificent as it appeared in the sitcoms! Pity that my outfit doesn't contain any green, but hey, was werde ich machen?"

"So what does this thing do?" asked Queen Cobra, the white-haired woman.

"With this staff in my possession, I now have voodoo powers on my side, which should give us quite an edge when it comes time to get our conquer on," Katherine explained. "We can do almost anything with the staff alone, but there's still just one limitation we must overcome first."

"And what's that?" Pygmy Hippo inquired.

"Bridging the gap between heaven and earth."

"Wait, what?" Balthazar cocked a dyed black eyebrow. "How can you possibly expect to do that?"

"Oh Balty, nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it. Especially in the afterlife! But as soon as I accomplish that goal, I will reunite with my husband again. And once my family is united once more, we will rule the whole posthumous world together!"

Not another word was said as Katherine's mischievous chuckle morphed into a haunting evil cackle, echoing throughout the underground lair. While her fellow villains appeared to be collectively perplexed, all Mike Jr. and Josephine could do was look at each other with concern.