Chapter 5: Suiting Up

Xavier unveils some specialized armor to help the gang take on their assailants as they try to figure out their next move.

I woke up the next morning to the sight of Tequila in the guest suite's bathroom, sporting nothing but her black mesh undergarments as she checked herself out in the full-length mirror. Though the sight was nothing new to me, I still couldn't help but smile at the view, thinking back to everything that had led up to this very moment. I thought back to the day I'd first proposed to Tequila a few years back, using the same ring that my biological father had given me. The wedding that later ensued had been outdoors, in the middle of summer, with all our friends from college having shown up, as well as both my stepdad and my biological father, who had quickly become best friends.

Tequila's father, Carlos, had accompanied her, in one of the last special moments he would get to spend with his daughter; struggling with lung cancer-the ramification of being a lifelong smoker-and forgoing that month's treatment just so he wouldn't miss the big day. He'd barely been able to stand up as he walked up the aisle, as well as during the following father-bride dance to "Wild World" by Cat Stevens. I remember the wedding dress we'd chosen had been a mere rental, and I remember it being oddly plain and somewhat generic, though it greatly helped bring out the beauty of the woman who wore it. And who could forget the authentic Chilean feast tirelessly cooked up by Tequila's mother, including a tres-leches that acted as our wedding cake?

Almost immediately after the ceremony came a two-week honeymoon in Santiago, Chile, marking the first time Tequila had ever been to her country of heritage. And once that was done, I brought the last of my belongings into the house and we spent the next eternity enjoying suburban life and togetherness. Doing everything together, from cooking to gaming to running errands... and taking advantage of the fact that Tequila's tubes were tied. We consummated our marriage in every part of the house, making love on tables, chairs, couches, and countertops in all sorts of positions. On the bed in every single guest room, and even once on a floaty in the pool out back, the full moon shining down on us all the while.

I was suddenly brought back from my trip down memory lane as I heard a feminine groan from right in front of me.

"H-Huh? What's wrong?" I asked.

"Sometimes I wish I didn't have so many freckles," Tequila sighed, adjusting her bra and turning around in the mirror once more. "I mean, they look cute when you're fourteen, but when you're approaching forty...?"

"Eh, freckles or not, you still look great," I complimented. "And if it makes you feel better, I shed my first gray hair in the shower last night."

"Touché." Tequila fluffed up her wavy red hair a bit.

---

After putting on some clothes that were just decent enough to wear in public, the two of us made our way down to the basement. Just before going to bed last night, Xavier had told us that he wanted to show us the fruits of his analysis, as well as discuss what our next move should be in terms of facing the new threat against us. When we got down there, we found Xavier sitting at a desk, leaning back in his rolling chair as he eyed a flatscreen television mounted on the wall to his left. By the looks of it, he was watching highlights from previous seasons of football. The footage currently on screen showed two entirely red-haired teams, hinting at what era the game took place in. Right before the game began, the National Anthem started to play as every single player knelt down on the grass, obviously protesting against Gonzalez' discriminatory policies.

"Hey, uh, X?" Tequila broke the silence, making him jump a little.

"Oh, uh... ahem, good morning you two. I was just watching some NFL reruns to pass the time, like I often do," Xavier stuttered a bit.

"A scientist who likes sports? Huh, who knew?" I chuckled.

"Watching sports, to be specific," Xavier replied, shutting off the television as he stood up. "But without further delay, let us go over everything we know so far."

That being said, we followed him to another corner of the basement, surveying the numerous inventions proudly on display, as well as several more Nobel Prizes that Xavier had won within the past seven years. With most of the inventions, it was easy to tell what their purpose was just by looking at them, but that was not the case with one in particular. It was a series of vertical cylindrical tanks full of glowing Mountain Dew-colored liquid, and in each one was what appeared to be unborn children in various stages of development, all with their umbilical cords still intact.

"Well it's nice to see you've been keeping yourself busy while we're not around, Xavier, but uh... what's this invention for?" I asked, pointing to one of the tanks.

"Oh those things? Well simply put, they're tanks specifically designed to replicate the environmental conditions of a woman's uterus, and the fluid inside contains all the hormones and nutrients necessary to facilitate fetal development," Xavier explained. "My goal is to send these bad boys to abortion clinics all over the country, so that way women can end as many pregnancies as they want without a single casualty. Hopefully it'll be enough to silence those annoying Evangelicals."

"Ugh, don't even get me started on those idiots." Tequila rolled her eyes. "Can't even go to Planned Parenthood for my annual breast exams without being harassed by 'em. Pfft, like it's my fault breast cancer runs in the family."

"I always find it hilarious how these so-called 'conservatives' are all about trying to get the government out of the people's lives, and yet they also want the government to barge in and dictate what women can and can't do with their bodies," I chimed in. "But on a serious note, how were you able to get the test subjects for this?"

"You'd be surprised what the government gives you permission to do when you're a Nobel-winning scientist." Xavier grinned, bobbing his blonde eyebrows. "...But seriously, how about we stop getting sidetracked and look at our evidence?"

With that, we finally made it to a massive computer in the back corner of the basement. Xavier sat down and began to tap away at the sprawling keyboard, prompting a symbol containing an American flag and bald eagle to briefly pop up.

"Wait, you have a government computer?" I asked in shock.

"Yes, plus access to the national criminal and DNA databases," Xavier explained. "You might not know this, but sometimes I'm called in by the government to address issues and answer questions... y'know, because of my accomplishments and all? Now about what I'd like to show you..."

He pressed another series of buttons until various photos he'd snapped from the crime scenes popped up, some of them peppered with red ink in order to mark various points of interest. He then zoomed in on a couple of weapons that had been dropped by Maria's cronies, their serial numbers in plain sight and circled in red.

"For starters, every single gun I found on the scene still had its serial number intact; a fact that I found odd, seeing how they're, y'know, criminals. And the same goes for Maria's gun; just had to take off some of the rhinestones to find it," Xavier began. "I was also able to identify those who wielded the guns based on the fingerprints I found, and they've already been reported."

"Okay, so?" Tequila folded her arms, but didn't scowl.

"So, because these serial numbers are still intact, it means that I was able to track wherever these guns have been, using yet another database I have access to," Xavier continued. "All of these weapons were purchased fairly recently, a few days after the bounty was placed on our heads. And in the case of all of these guns except for Maria's, they were all initially sold from a gun shop right here in San Francisco. If we can find out who purchased these guns, then maybe we can get a clue as to who hired these assassins to kill us."

"Good thinking as always, Xavier." I slapped a hand onto his back.

"Worth a shot, I guess," Tequila added.

"But before we head over there, I'd like to show you something else I've done since we last spoke." Xavier stood up and flipped a switch, causing a portion of the wall to turn inside out. "You see, analyzing the crime scene only took about a week or so. I spent the rest of the two months making these."

Rotating the wall revealed three black armored catsuits with attached gloves, gun holsters, and combat boots, each displayed on a mannequin. The one on the far right was curved on the sides and lacked the defined codpiece that was present on the other two, instead sporting a pronounced breastplate, suggesting it'd been made for a woman.

"Not gonna lie, I was kind of expecting a chain-mail bikini," Tequila snarked.

"So are those for us?" I inquired, before thinking for a moment. "...Oh, so that must be why you asked us to send you our heights and measurements about a month ago."

"Exactly." Xavier nodded. "After we narrowly escaped from Maria's clutches, I had a feeling we might experience at least a few more encounters like that in the future, so I figured I'd design these so we can stand more of a chance. I'm all but certain they'll do a better job than those flimsy outfits we wore when we infiltrated the Senate."

"Heh, no argument there," I replied.

"I was originally going to make these suits red, yellow, and green, but I decided against it," Xavier continued.

"And good thing too, because how in the hell could you expect us to be stealthy in such garish colors?" Tequila quipped.

"Now I'm already satisfied with how mine fits, but before we leave, I'd like you two to try these on for a bit. That way if anything's slightly off, I can make the necessary alterations straight away," Xavier requested, before holding up a pair of gray spandex jumpsuits. "Oh, and be sure to put these on underneath. There's a bathroom just around the corner."

"Got it," Tequila and I replied in unison as we left to get changed.

While my wife stepped into the bathroom, I settled with changing just outside the door. Xavier was around the corner and completely out of sight, so there was no chance of him seeing us. The jumpsuit fit like a glove, with a collar that stopped just below my chin, and sleeves and pant-legs that stopped at my elbows and knees respectively. Only problem was that the zipper was on the back.

"Well, I gotta say, Xavier isn't half bad at making clothes." Tequila stepped out of the bathroom and ogled herself, her previous outfit slung under her arm. "There're no bra-lines or camel-toes to be found, and it's even squat-proof, so I've got no complaints."

"That's good," I checked her out for a bit, astonished at how well the jumpsuit complimented her figure - particularly those flared hips of hers. "But uh, mind helping me out with this zipper?"

"Welcome to my world," Tequila snarked.

"Xavier, we're ready!" I called out after we were both zipped up.

"Good. Now try on your armor so we can see if it's comfortable for you," Xavier replied, bringing our suits to us.

"Heh, mine has an eight-inch codpiece," I commented as I examined my armor.

"You always underestimate yourself," Tequila muttered, flashing a sultry grin at me.

"Don't know if anyone's ever told you this before, Xavier, but you really have a knack for taking the finest of details into account," I continued, trying my suit on.

"No kidding. The breastplate even says 36C." Tequila checked her own suit. "Heh, let's hope my period doesn't start while I'm wearing this, 'cause that's when they go up a whole size."

"Just doing my job." Xavier folded his arms as we finally finished dressing ourselves.

I was quite happy with the way my armor felt. Despite being armor, I didn't feel as though I was weighed down or restrained by it. I even noticed that there was a plastic-glass circle on my left wrist, which allowed me to check my watch even while suited up.

Damn, he even knew I was left-handed, I thought in mild shock.

"Welp, I'm satisfied," I said aloud.

"Same here." Tequila nodded.

"Excellent! Now then, allow me to explain a few things," Xavier began. "With these suits, knives, long falls, and even armor-piercing bullets with become innocuous, and you'll gain some extra insulation all without compromising mobility whatsoever. Pressing the button on your chest will switch your boots between the skate and cleat modes, which will allow you to skate and walk on slick surfaces respectively. On your right wrist, you'll see a small dial. Rotating it will let you configure the gloves into either heat or electric mode, just for some extra practicality. There's also a chloroform mode, which will let you knock people out as silently as possible."

As he spoke, I gently flipped the dial and watched as my gloves switched between emitting steam and cracking with electricity. The aforementioned chloroform mode caused some panels on the palms and fingers to slide open, revealing white pads that seemingly contained the substance. I examined my gloves for a few seconds, surprised at how the various modes didn't harm me at all.

"In addition, I've built a few accessories for these suits using the latest in microtechnology, patented by myself, of course." Xavier pulled a small, rectangular black case out of his lab-coat.

Looking closely into the case, I noticed a set of three black earpieces, much like the ones people often hooked up to their cell-phones, alongside what appeared to be six contact lenses.

"You two are probably familiar with how earpieces work, so I'll skip over that and explain what the other things are. These contacts are equipped with several useful functions. If the surrounding temperature drops below twenty degrees, then your vision will automatically switch to thermal vision, and if the environment gets dark, then it'll automatically switch to infra-red vision. Squint your eyes, and you'll get x-ray vision," Xavier explained, before noticing the skeptical look on Tequila's face. "Oh, and don't worry. It shows skeletons, not underwear. Moving on, if you close one eye, then you'll enter scan-mode, allowing you to zoom in and analyze anything of interest, as well as access the data stored on my computer. And if you blink while in scan-mode, you can even take a snapshot of whatever you're looking at."

"Holy s**t, X. How'd you even invent this?" Tequila's jaw dropped.

"I'd explain it, but it would require a whole lot of technobabble," Xavier replied.

"Go figure," I muttered.

"I'll save that for another time, though. Right now, you two should change back and we'll head out to follow our first clue," Xavier announced.