Chapter 4: Tough News to Digest

The gang learns of a group of Gonzalez-supporting criminal assassins who are all competing for a huge bounty on their heads.

About an hour later, the four of us lounged at the dining room table, each of us utterly stuffed like the turkeys Xavier's parents used to make way back when. I took a quick glance over the tabletop, shocked at how much of the available food we'd all eaten, even if it had been a collective effort.

"...And so then he asked me, 'Hey Cedric! If you can genetically modify a boy to hit puberty ten years in advance, then why don't you try making a woman who can orgasm?'" Xavier finished telling one of his stories, causing the rest of us to laugh heartily.

"Mark my words, if it took a woman's orgasm to make a baby instead of a man's, there'd be, like, less than twenty mothers in the world," Tequila commented, eliciting even more laughter.

"Honestly, tonight's dinner was top notch!" I commented, sipping my limoncello.

"I'd be tempted to loosen my belt buckle, if I wasn't going commando," Tequila said. "But seriously, X. Is there anything you can't do?"

"Well when you have degrees in all forms of science, the amount of answers to that question is quite limited," Xavier replied.

"Regardless, I appreciate the meal. Takes me back to my days in The Bronx," Roxanne butt in, wiping her mouth. "But seeing how we're all full, what say we let this food digest for a while? In the meantime, we can get into the main reason why I came over here."

"Sounds like a plan," I said as I slowly stood up.

Everyone else followed suit as we stepped into the living room, all feeling a bit weighed down and sluggish from the immense portions of Italian fare we'd just consumed. After the four of us sat down on the fancy red couch, Roxanne pulled a Windows '43 laptop out of her gator-skin briefcase and set it on the coffee table. She typed away at the keyboard for a bit, before a video popped up, which she brought into full-screen mode.

"So seeing how I'm technically your lawyer, the president asked me personally to inform you of this, because he fears that you're in danger," Roxanne stated, pulling an off-yellow flyer out of her briefcase and handing it to me.

The flyer showed three black and white, caricature drawings of Xavier, Tequila and I, similar to the drawings of prominent figures in political cartoons. They were all arranged in a triangle, alongside words describing a $90,000,000 bounty that had apparently been placed on our heads, with no deadline to kill us by. I could feel both of my friends reading it over my shoulder, and even though I didn't look back at them, I could tell they were just as horrified as I was.

"That flyer was discovered in the pocket of one of Maria's right-hand men, and tracing the extremely rare ink used to make it suggests that other flyers just like it are in the hands of eight other people," Roxanne explained. "Specifically, several of America's most notorious criminal assassins, who happened to like the Gonzalez presidency. It's currently unknown who hired these guys, but they're running loose all over the country in hopes of collecting that bounty."

"Wait, so they supported him too?" I scratched my head. "I mean, at least Xavier's parents had a decent excuse, but what's the excuse here?"

"Well if there's one thing I'll praise Gonzalez for, it's that while he was president, America never ran out of jobs," Roxanne replied. "As part of the Paint By Numbers Act, which segregated the country based on hair and eye color, if you went bald or gray, then you were forced into retirement. And since people age every day, that means that new jobs became available every day."

"Not to mention, the credentials for getting a decent job were considerably reduced from what they used to be," Xavier chimed in. "That, combined with what Roxanne mentioned allowed new graduates to easily find work, and is why unemployment and crime were so low."

"Oh, now I get it. So Gonzalez' policies allowed these guys to take up normal jobs in spite of their long criminal records," I replied with Tequila nodding assent. "And with those laws now being mostly repealed, that means these guys had to go back to prison."

"Precisely," Roxanne said, pressing Play on the video. "Now one of these hired killers happens to be Maria Giovanni, but she's already been apprehended. But as for the rest..."

The screen showed footage of a toned, lanky man with midnight blue skin, sea foam green eyes, and a bald head, wearing nothing but dark denim jeans and ice-skates as he skated around on a frozen lake. He also sported gauntlets on his wrists, which were equipped with blades similar to the ones on his skates. He sped as fast as he could towards a small group of park rangers, who had called for him to get off the ice for his own safety. Instead of heeding their advice, however, he leapt into the air like an acrobat and used a mixed martial arts combo to take down every single oncoming ranger, including the horses they rode on, gravely injuring them due to the blades on his hands and feet.

"Jeffery Samson, a.k.a. Cold Blood," Roxanne explained. "Arrested for several knife-related murders. He has frostbite on ninety-six percent of his body, and is at his strongest in colder environments."

The next assassin we were shown was a stout, chubby man in his late teens, dressed in a sumo outfit and luchador mask, as well as orange fingerless boxing gloves adorned with brass knuckles. He busied himself beating up a group of innocent younger children, even to the point of drawing blood and knocking some of them unconscious.

"A student delinquent by the name of Warren Cheung, goes by the name, Pygmy Hippo," Roxanne said. "No matter how many times he's been arrested, he keeps coming back out and causing more trouble. Criminal charges include battery, murder, and illegal betting."

It was then that a still image came up on screen, depicting a dirty-blonde man in a sleeveless cardigan over a dress shirt.

"Garfield Kramer. Unlike the others, he has no alias, but he's next to impossible to track. He's been suspected of hacking many state elections throughout the country, and was even rumored to have been hired by Gonzalez to help him win the presidency over and over again, though surprisingly, this has been proven false," Roxanne explained.

"Freeze!" a policeman cried out from on the screen.

We then saw footage of a masked ninja-like figure dressed in black spandex with gold accents, with a bodily shape that immediately revealed her to be a woman. She effortlessly leapt onto various parked cars and parking meters as the cops tried to chase her down. She eventually leapt into a dark alley with the cops in hot pursuit, completely blind to the darkness-cloaked beating they were immediately subjected to. The ninja then leapt back out onto the streets and continued her sprint.

"Susan Barrett, who goes by Queen Cobra, a black-belt in both ninjutsu and xinjiaquan, also known as singafist. She was the subject of a medical experiment to enhance physical capabilities, but apparently the medication used also amplified her aggressive tendencies," Roxanne continued.

At this, Tequila and I glanced over at Xavier, who simply scoffed in response.

"What? I'm not the only scientific pioneer in America, you know!" he replied.

"Now this next assassin has never been captured, be it physically or on film, but they've been the suspect of countless assassinations. Though data is scarce, the government has codenamed this shooter, 'Harry'," Roxanne explained further.

As she spoke, footage of several public shootings was shown, with no sign of the sharpshooter anywhere in the footage provided. What made these one-hit murders particularly noteworthy was the angle in which some of the bullets came from, and how some of them ricocheted off of various surfaces before hitting their targets.

"Yo, what the hell?!" Tequila's eyes shot wide open.

"Talk about proficient. How are we supposed to see that guy coming?" Xavier pondered.

The next piece of footage was dedicated to a tall, gangly Hispanic man with distinctive golden amber eyes in tight cowboy attire, engaged in a fight in a closed room with a lone prison guard. Using a combination of snake-like flexibility, agility, and parkour skills, he effortlessly dodged all of the guard's attacks and leapt around the room, before suddenly leaping onto his target and strangling him to death with his legs. A loud cracking sound could be heard as the footage came to a close.

"Next up, we have Hector Peña, a.k.a. Diamondback," Roxanne explained. "As you can see, he's a man of unparalleled flexibility, which makes him an extreme threat who is near impossible to trap."

Next, we were shown a man covered from head to toe in padded dark red armor, as well as a gas mask. He hovered in the air with a jetpack and was armed with a high-tech gun about the same size as an AR-15. It turned out that this gun was a laser gun, which he used to effortlessly destroy and streets and property around him, before firing his concentrated neon red laser at the fleeing civilians and cars, effectively slicing them in two and leading to a series of blood-curdling screams.

"Fredrick Flynn, a.k.a. Giant Moth. Arrested for property damage and mass murder, among other things. And the technology he's armed with hints at an exemplary IQ, which makes him a force to be reckoned with," Roxanne pointed out. "And lastly, there's this guy."

The last assassin shown off to us was a large, muscular, light-skinned black man with a modest afro and thick facial hair, consisting of a mustache and mutton chops, forming a W across his face. In addition to his black tank top, jeans and boots, as well as the sports tape wrapped around his wrists and part of his hands, the thing that stuck out to me the most was the beige sash that was slung diagonally across his chest, much like the ones that cowboys wore. However, instead of bullets, the pockets on this sash held several beer bottles. At the moment, the man hulked around with a slightly hunched posture, beating up a room full of fellow inmates with very little effort.

"Tyson Brandy, also known as The Drunken Bull. A former WWE wrestler who was suspended for usage of steroids. Criminal charges include robbery of alcohol, a whole slew of DUIs, as well as various crimes committed while under the influence, most notably rape," Roxanne finished as she gently closed her laptop. "As you might have guessed, he's an extreme alcoholic, to the point where drinking alcohol helps his body and brain function more efficiently."

"So to recap: some unknown guy put a $90,000,000 bounty on our heads, and not only released eight deadly assassins, but also hired them to compete for the bounty by trying to kill us," I said.

"In a nutshell, yes," Roxanne replied.

"Uh-huh. Well is there anything else we should know?" Tequila chimed in. "I mean, do we need to spend the next while or so fearing for our lives, or are we being granted protection by the secret service or something?"

"Well the president has called upon the FBI to hunt down and apprehend these killers as best they can, but just in case their efforts don't cut it, he has also officially declared you three temporarily above the law until this crisis blows over. So if you ever come across one of these guys, feel free to defend yourselves by any means necessary," Roxanne explained.

"Looks like that means we're gonna be back in action," Xavier said, somewhat excitedly.

"Ugh, I was afraid of that..." Tequila moaned.

"Any more questions?" Roxanne asked.

"Er... nope, I think we're all good. It's been a pleasure working with you all this time, and words can't describe how much we appreciate the heads up," I said after briefly glancing at my friends.

"No trouble at all." Roxanne waved her hand dismissively as she packed up. "Once again, I really appreciated the feast, but I feel it's best if I get going now."

"Aw, really? But it's only 8:15." Xavier checked the three watches on his wrist. "Besides, I've got a cherries jubilee on standby in the kitchen, and it's sure to knock your pantyhose off."

"...Well I suppose I could stay for a quick dessert." Roxanne set her briefcase back down.

"So let me get this straight, X. You took time out of your day to cook up a massive, authentic Italian feast, but you stopped at dessert?" I asked incredulously.

"Meh, it's cool. Tiramisu is overrated anyhow," Roxanne chuckled.