Chapter One: Brother's Escape

Two teen brothers, Ash and his younger brother River, are forced to flee their hometown when a mage destroys their house.

On a summer day in the large city of Dusklight, where pale red light from lamps cast an eerie ambience, there was a large alleyway where a teen and his younger brother hid. The teen was crouched over his brother.

Both were wearing all black, except for the younger’s pale shy blue shirt that was partly covered by black vest and the teen’s deep red sleeveless shirt, which was slightly obscured by a black cape.

There was another figure in the alleyway, staring at the brothers. Neither brother noticed he was there. The man wore all white and his clothes had an expensive look to them. Everything about him seemed completely normal, except his cold black eyes. If this man blinked seemed it was every few minutes and even than, it seems forced. He stood at the end of the alley obviously in appearance yet anyone who walked by acted as if he were not there, for to them, he wasn’t.

As the man in white watched the brothers he withdrew a small vial of a dark red liquid, which he opened and sniffed to be certain it was still warm. A smile splintered his seamless face. He turned and walked away, smiling the whole time.

The teen was tending to a cut his younger brother received from falling on a sharp rock. The rock had cut the backside of his left arm. Gravel was already washed out and now the older teen was rubbing the wound with an off-white cream. The younger brother winced every now and then but made no noise, he couldn’t or they could be found and that was brought them to the alley.


“Alright just be glad it wasn’t that deep.” The elder teen whispered. “Strange that it was as deep as it was though, huh?”

“Yeah, doesn’t hurt,” the younger whispered back, then said as an afterthought, “much.”

“We need to leave; the guards will be checking this part of town for us.” The elder teen whispered hurriedly. He grabbed his brother’s hand and they ran quietly out of the alley in the opposite end of the alley where the man in white had stood. They ran to the city wall and when they arrived at a small shop labeled Curt’s Herbs, knocked three times on the door. A small section of the wooden door slid open at about eye level and two eyes looked out at the two brothers. A flash of recognition brightened the face, or at least the visible parts of the face. The person slid the section of the door closed and opened the door. He glanced around than waved them in.

“Come in, your late.” He said.

The man was lean but not scrawny; he was of average height and build but obviously was stronger than he appeared at first glance. He had many wrinkles even though he was not that old, yet had a gentle demeanor. His mouth spread to a wide smile as soon as the brothers were in his shop and the door was bolted shut.

“River, Ash!” the man greeted them. “What took you so long?”

“River fell as we were running away from the Dukes men,” the eldest teen explained, “he got a nasty cut to.”

“You alright lad?” The man asked concerned.

“Yeah, I’ll be o.k.” River, the younger brother answered.

“Get what we left for,” Ash said as he pulled a small bundle from under his cloak, “lucky for us the Duke took most of his guards to an assembly. Why the King would call an assembly this late, I don’t know.”

Ash gave the man the small bundle from his cloak. Curt, for it was his shop and therefore must be his name, took the bundle from Ash, gently cradling it until he set it on a nearby desk.

“Does the Duke know that it is gone?” Curt asked Ash.

“Not yet.” Ash answered.

“Good I’ll fetch a nice price for this before he gets word. Casualties?”

“One. A guard.”

“You seem upset. Why is it that you dislike killing so much, seeing as you do it well?”

“He was young, only slightly older than I, probably had a family and no part in this silent war against us.”

“One day you will understand that everyone either helps or hinders the King’s efforts to kill off those who should really control this land.”

“I understand, but they do not. Most don’t even know we exist. They cannot be expected to be punished for others lies.”

“Drop the fight Ash. We have different opinions and no matter how many times we fight about it, neither of us will change their opinions.”

“Very well.”

Meanwhile River had climbed up into a loft near the back of the shop and was looking out into the street through a curtained window. While Ash and Curt were… talking, River had noticed a man in the white down the street. The man was staring at the shop. This was the same man that saw them in the alley but this was the first time River had seen him. The man lifted his hands, brought them to his chest and slowly extended them until they were halfway extended. As River, watched the man made a strange movement with his hands. It was obviously that the man was speaking, though what, River did not know.

“…So Fenir was the one who hired us? But he swore to never hire us when he found out what we are.” Ash was saying to Curt confused. Ash and River were thieves for hire and Curt was their manger, of a kind. Curt was debriefing Ash, River never needed debriefing because he never understood Curt and Ash would tell him what he needed to know, and had just told Ash they were to be paid in person, a rarity but not to uncommon, by Fenir the man who had hired them on many occasions until he learned who they were. Yet now he had hired them again and wanted to see them. Ash thought this was odd.

River let out a shocked gasp and jumped back from the window. Ash and Curt both looked over at River. He pointed to the window.

“Mage,” was all he said.

“Where?” Ash asked hurriedly.

“Outside, down by the warehouse.” River explained.

Magic was very common, every person could cast simple spells but one who could cast complex spells were rare and dangerous, for there is little one can do to protect themselves from magic by non-magical means. Most mages, these powerful magic-users, were employed by the king or other nobles because they paid very well. If one had come after Ash and River…

“We have to get out of here!” Ash exclaimed. He started to run for the door when he realized he was forgetting something. He looked at River, “How did you know he was a mage?”

“Skeletons.” River stated.

He summoned skeletons?” Ash said in disbelief, not because it was a hard thing to do, but because it was an incredibly hard thing to do. Someone very powerful wanted Ash and River dead.

“Curt, we have to leave the city,” Ash said somberly, “and fast. Goodbye.” Ash knew he and River couldn’t be near anyone they wanted to save now that they had a mage after them.

“I understand. I will inform Fenir you cannot meet him in person.” Curt than handed Ash a sack of coins saying, “Go and use the money in Flux to hide yourselves.”

“Thank you Curt.” Ash smiled fleetingly. “Let’s go River.”

The brothers opened the door and ran into the closed alley. They would have kept running except a loud crash behind them caused them to turn around. Curt’s house and shop had been set ablaze and a piece of the wall had been destroyed. Ash, afraid for Curt’s life, would have tried to save him but he had River to look after and he needed to be alive for that. So they ran.

They ran through the alleyways away from the fire. They ran to save their lives. They ran to save others lives. They ran to escape their lives.

When they reached the city wall they climbed onto a nearby house and jumped onto the wall from the roof of the house. They dropped on the other side, landing in a small bush. They could never be on the other side of the wall again.

Dusklight was surrounded by a dense forest on the eastern side, where Ash and River had just escaped to, a wide lake on the northern side, and a small plain that rose into craggy mountains to the south. The west was surrounded by the same plains as the south.

The forest Ash and River had just landed in was home to a race of people who had sharply pointed ears, often graceful movements and a natural affinity to the forest and its creatures. These people are not Human, they are another race of beings. They are called, in the Human language, Elves.

Elves are all very adept at magic. Yet the Elves magic is different from the gesture based, and destructive, magic of Mages. Elven magic is based on language and more restorative than destructive. Harmful spells are often only practiced by Elven Mages, who use magic in war and work directly for the Elven Queen.

Ash had met a couple of Elves and most of them were paying him to steal some Elven magic back from some mage or Human noble. Though one Elf he had met outside of his occupation, he had become friends with. She had come into town to buy some rare herbs from Curt. Ash had been sleeping in the back, when he had awakened to eat and saw one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. He approached Curt, asking why such a beautiful lady, or an Elf, was in his shop. Curt than told him she was buying some rare herbs that are used in Druidic magic, a form of magic that uses alchemy, that couldn’t be found in the nearby forest.

Curious, Ash decided to help her find what she needed. He wanted to know more about Druidic magic and thought this a great chance to learn what he could. So he asked to show her around, and she agreed.

She told him that her name was Flora and that she lived alone on the outskirts of the city. She would often perform healing magic on travelers for a small price and was often asked to brew large amounts of healing potions for nobles and wealthy merchants.

Although Ash did not like lying, he understood that in some cases it was a necessity in his life, and so there was a lot he lied to Flora about. Ash told her he was apprenticing under Curt as an herbalist, or as Flora jokingly called it, a Druids best friend. She thought he wore black to mourn his parent’s recent death, where in fact he had never known his parents.

River tagged along with them all day. He helped Ash keep their occupation secret and showed Flora where to buy herbs Curt didn’t have in stock. “Traitor,” Ash had joked.

All three of them became close friends in the three days Flora stayed in Dusklight. Flora was a cheery person and was quite knowledgeable about the forest and its creatures, making her fun to talk to. Ash was often flirting with her and staring admiringly at her beautiful body, but Flora rarely flirted back, and then it seemed nervous.

When Flora left she gave River, with a small smile to Ash, a map to her hut if they ever wanted to stop by and see her before she needed to return to Dusklight for more supplies. River, who was smarter than most caught on to, ‘surprised’ Flora by marking a couple of other landmarks on the map to help them find their way. Ash promised they would come see her soon.

That had been a little over a week ago. Ash thought about Flora as he and River climbed out of the bushes and started down the road into the forest. He figured that they should see Flora sooner than he had expected. He stopped when they reached a fork in the road.

“River do you have Flora’s map?” Ash asked as he made a small fire.

River smirked; he understood what Ash was thinking. “Yes,” he replied.

“Good. No one will look for us there and we can stay there for a couple of days before going to Flux.” Ash explained.

“Flux? They have some magical eyes that catch thieves all over that city.”

“We won’t stay long. After we get some supplies in Flux we will travel south to Gorn-To.”

“Figures you’d have us travel to a rebel town. They won’t let us in.”

“They will if they learn who we are.”

River was silent. Even though he was young, River was smart and he knew that the people of Gorn-To would either kill them or fear them and let them do what they wished. Most people feared them.

“How do we get to Flora’s house?” Ash asked breaking the silence of Rivers thoughts.

“It’s near a lake in the north part of the forest, won’t be too hard to find.”

“Can we get there by morning?”

“If we run non-stop, maybe.”

“We leave in the morning than.” We will sleep in the trees just in case we are being followed.”

“Comfy.”

The two brothers both solemnly gathered some vines to string between branches and tied them up like a hammock in the tree tops a few feet from the road. Neither slept well and River awoke from a dream of a burning house and screaming.

Author's Note

This will be re-done at some point. Wrote this before I had a clear idea of where i was going with the story.

Reviews

[Chris]

Storytelling... readers have to WANT to turn the page and not close the book... they need to care about the Author's chars. Even a friend will smile in your face... and put your book down.

I don't rewrite words to give examples - that is patently unfair to both. Its YOUR thoughts here, your chars - your story... not mine... so it you want to talk about it...cool. start at the begining... para 1 - line 1... Why would I want to read to the next para? and the next...

You are telling ME ... sitting across a table - i"ve coffee, blacker than hell... the kind that dissolves spoons. You - an empty glass awaiting something, some thing to fill it; something bubbling and sweet-sour perhaps. All the better... that sooooo beats lukewarm water and tepid thoughts. "Yes?"

Chris

[xx]

I love the dialogue. You do a good job with the spoken parts of this chapter, as they all advance the story in a purposeful and natural way. I've seen too many examples of stilted dialogue in other written pieces; I'm glad I saw none of that here. You're also wonderful at adding appropriate detail when speaking of the characters and the setting.

However, I'd like to point out that dialogue and introduction should be positioned in this way:

"I eat apples," said Jack.

There are many variations of this basic format. However, I saw some of this, too:

"I eat apples." Said Jack.

Remember that when you address the speaker at the end of the line of dialogue, you must conclude the spoken bit with a comma, and then the "said" portion is in lowercase.

I also saw some of this:

"River let out a shocked gasp."

Personally, I dislike it when writers use the phrase "let out" or "gave" when speaking of bodily expressions. "He smiled" is better than "he gave a smile," although Jack can "give Rose a smile." Concise action is key.

Also, when speaking of elements of the story - even if the indicated story element is considered current, the narration should continue in the same tense. When you wrote of the elves, you switched to the present tense; I do believe that it is more appropriate to continue in the past tense, since that is how you narrated the storyline in the first place.

You'll find that you'll benefit greatly from going over this chapter, as you already said in your note to us reviewers. There's nothing that can't be fixed with a bit of fine-tuning, and I know you'll enjoy that. Keep up the good work!