What Could Have Been

Struggling lately with my mind going back to could haves and what ifs. A short story to explain it, and to help myself get through it.

I fell in love many years ago, and when I say in love I really mean in love. We became close fast and we truly did love each other, but the world refused to let us to be together. For plenty of reasons, we lost sight of each other after a very short time, and I moved away. I met another boy and we fell in love, hard and fast, just like the first one. He broke down all of my walls and I opened up so quickly, with so much trust.

 

Things were great, I was happy, we planned on getting married and we were together for many years. It was almost too good to be true, and I was right. The universe once again refused my happiness. Someone tried to make a red light and failed, instead hitting us from the side and killing my fiancé, and himself, on impact. I survived with minimal injuries, physical injuries anyway. Mental was another story, I watched my partner in life die next to me, powerless to help him; to save him.

 

Things turned pretty dark for me after that, I didn’t really know what to do anymore. I went through the daily motions, but that was it. My phone vibrated, it was him. The first boy I fell in love with so many years ago, before the universe had taken us from each other.

 

We began talking again, catching up, laughing together just like we used to. We met up and things were good again, I was finally smiling… I was happy.

 

That didn’t last though; things took a turn for the worse. This time I don’t blame the universe, it was him. I created this image in my head of him, about what he was and what we could be, how great we would have been together. And that’s when it hit me, I didn’t love him. I loved the idea of him, what I created in my head. We made no sense together, we fought and argued and the good times we had were no more. We just didn’t work.

 

I created an image of perfection in my head of him, a false idea of who he was and who we were. At least, that’s what I tell myself. Every day I tell myself it’s just my mind creating perfection and latching it onto him, as I lay my head down every night, next to my fiancé, and cry about what could’ve been.