Are People Really Buying It?

They all woke up at around 8:30 a.m. “Ok everyone family meeting” sang Jackie. They all set in a circle around Jennifer as they waited for the pop tarts to warm in the microwave. “Alright were getting on the bus today and were going to head straight for Kentucky kids!” Jennifer tried to throw a bit of excitement in them. The kids smiled but they didn’t jump around like expected. “Hey I just said were going on a trip! Come yawl this is gonna be soooooo funnnnnnnn” Jennifer got up hopping around and made silly faces until they all were up acting crazy. Jennifer got out her Tonex compact disc’s and cranked the volume on One Good Reason. That little party ended when the hotel manager was pounding on their door. Jennifer stopped in fear and told the kids “Shhh” as she turned down the radio and slowly opened the door “Mr. Tide, Officer…how do you do this morning?” she tried to have a smile on. “Miss Chandler this is a hotel not your house out in Texas…” “Oh yes sir I know we’ll be quieter!” as she was closing the door the officer pushed it back, he took a good look at her and she turned her head when she noticed that this was the officer that lived only 5 houses up from us. Mr. Tide swallowed, “Ok Officer Tim I think they’ll behave them selves now.” “Thank you Mr. Tide and yes we will.” she closed the door with Officer Tim shaking his head and chuckling a bit. “Jenn are we in trouble!?” cried Calvin “No hun were good. Let’s go out and by some little traveling food then we’ll shove out.” said Jennifer “Jackie you’ll have to the 2 here with you.” Jackie looked a bit disappointed but she nodded and went on with the game she was playing. Jennifer and Calvin walked down the hall talking just when Officer Tim walked up “Say now Miss don’t I know you?” Jennifer and Calvin looked at each other “Um no I don’t think so sir…” “Hmm you look mighty familiar.” “Haha well I do have a twin cousin in Portsmouth.” Jennifer almost patted herself on the back from that quick thinking. “Ohh yes she lives in the old homes right?” “Yes sir I think I saw you when I was visiting her.” “Oh haha yeah nice girl never had any trouble with her like the other neighborhood kids.” Jennifer smiled proudly, she knew that he was talking about her. Calvin rolled his eye and chuckled under his breath “can’t believe he’s buying this.” “Well I don’t want to hold you 2 up have a great day Miss.” Jennifer waved and her and Calvin went on. They got the store and the lines were long enough to go make 5 sandwiches and hot cocoa and still be waiting. Jennifer and Calvin piled up on chips, crackers, cookies, peanut’s, 2 packs of water, sugar free kool-aid packs, tuna snacks, a box of fired chicken and candy. Jennifer watched closely as the price ticker went up and up. The girl at the cash register laughed at her “Were all struggling ain’t we?” Jennifer gave her a puppy dog look and nodded yes. “Well with Obama in house things will come back around.” The man behind Calvin said “Amen to that.” and few others chimed it in to while some in the next line scoffed. The total came to $50. Jennifer shook head while walking back to the hotel, “Fifty dollars on junk food! Ma’s turning in her grave for that!” Calvin and Jennifer giggled. Fifty bucks wasn’t nothing compared to the 13 grand they had and that was just an quick estimate. It was insurance money that their grandma had gotten after their grandfather died. They got back to the hotel and dumped the goodies on the bed. “Oh wow!” yelled Kevin as he dashed to start munching on all of it. “No pig boy!” yelled Jackie as she threw him off the bed. “Ok family were gonna eat the pop tarts and a snack then we’ll gather our stuff back up and head out for a bus.” “Well Jenn can we get showers first? I feel nasty.” “Haha and you are nasty Jackie but no, no time fool.” Jackie sighed then got a towel and soap and slammed the bathroom door behind herself. “See yawl that’s being hard headed. Please don’t do that to me.” Jennifer shouted while pointing at the bathroom door. The kids nodded and smiled. Jennifer was about to have a fit but then thought how much more trouble they would get into if she got crazy in that man’s hotel. Jackie didn’t take to long in the shower so they all got to get one and ate breakfast fast enough to make it to the bus station. While the kids sat looking out the window gloomy like she was writing all their names on some presents she bought them all. Jennifer grinned at herself. She felt proud for thinking of her family even though her mind was worried and fear filled. She snapped her fingers when she was done and the kids all looked her way. “What’s Up Jenn?” asked Jackie “I got gifts for you all!” The kids hopped in their seats chuckling. A little old lady that sat behind them smiled. Jennifer passed out the gifts. She looked straight at Jackie because she knew that Jackie wanted what she got forever. “OH JENN! A CELL PHONE!” yelled Jackie “THE SPY REMOTE CONTROL CAR!” “AHHHH DORA SING ALONG AND THE DVD! “STICH AND A KAROKE!” The bus came alive as people watched and ohhed or awed at the kids gifts. Calvin planted a big kiss on Jennifer’s cheek. “Thank you sis” piped Tammy. “I love you all so much.” Jennifer started crying thinking of her family and how much of it is gone. They all hugged then began praying and few came up a few seats to put their hands in and pray along with them. The bus driver laughed but they didn’t care. Another man began laughing and told them to shut up but they kept right on going with the prayer. That went on for a while then everyone was talking and laughing. Jennifer actually felt kind of sad when they got to Kentucky. She wanted to stay and entertain the people on the bus. As they walked off Jennifer stopped and gave the driver a big tip “Thank you for your services sir, God bless you!” “God bless you all!!!” Jennifer ran off and she turned back to see the man looking in the envelope at a twenty dollar bill. He gave her a nod and smile before closing the bus doors. Everyone on the bus waved at them as they drove off. Jennifer watched as the kids looked around acting crazy for being in a new place. “WERE IN KENTUCKY!” yelled Tammy. Jennifer laughed hearty laughs as they started dancing around and making all kinds of noise. She didn’t care that the everyone in the station was looking at them. When the kids finally fell out she took them all to sit with her on the bench for another family meeting.

Reviews

[Calypso]

This is still a good story. The main character is such a great one.

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the feel of the story. My mother escape many times from bad men. The excitement of new places and closeness of the kids is like a real story. A excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Casper Cross]

All right, good story... good writing... good theme... missing paragraphs but that's not a big deal.
Since I am from the south I have to make one suggestion. Yawl is actually a contraction of you all, so it is spelled ya'll. Only hicks like me would no this... so don't feel too bad...

I think I can help you make this a better story so here is my suggestion:
Every good story has good conflict. The character's main object in this story is to do what? Once you have that answer then you ask yourself? What will prevent her from achieving the desired goal. Protagonist vs Antagonist. They can both either be a person place or thing. If a story doesn't have conflict then you don't have a story. You only have words that make sentences and sentences that make paragraphs. Now this particular conflict doesn't have to reveal itself in the first two pages but it should definitely by there somewhere around 10-30 pages into the story.

So.. give this some thought and i hope to see more of this story as it becomes available.