Secrets in the Night

 

Your body is flush with sleep

As I cry quietly in the dark.

I reach out my hand

Gently brushing your hot flesh.

I have loved you a long time

And my love seems to grow,

But something lurks in the darkness,

A space pushing us apart.

My heart aches

As the though of losing you lurks in the back of my mind.

What could it be that you are keeping?

Laying so close

Yet so far away.

My naked body yearns for your touch,

A gentle caress…

Tears spill from my sad brown eyes

As my heart cries for something I haven’t even lost.

Help me, please

To solve this puzzle.

Tell me why I feel such torment

While you sleep soundly by my side.

Maybe all this is nothing,

But my heart has never lied before.

The darkness is suffocating

As I reach out to you again.

Your warm body is calling me closer.

I whisper I love you

And close my eyes.

Reviews

[SweetPeachesAlways]

Was this about him, or her? I can't remember anymore...I do hope all is well.

[Mpotavin]

Minimalize. This is too wordy. Try I reach out instead of I reach out my hand. Have you read this out loud? I usually feel that it helps the rythmn to vocalize a poem, smooths out the rough spots.

You use lurks twice... You use gentle and gently... You use dark, and then darkness twice. Your poem is too short to have the same word used more than once.

line 10 should have thought not though

Show me the scene. Instead of focusing entirely on your feelings and thoughts, project these things into the scene that surrounds you. Give me your unique perceptions of where you are. This will help flesh out your poem. What does the other look like? Is it a man or a woman?

Word is autocapping, please make it stop. I see a capital letter and I think new thought not dependant clause.

Everything that is put into a poem should have a purpose or reason. For instance, you wrote, "Tears spill from my sad brown eyes", why did you use brown, what is the significance? Would you actually say that?

The ending seems somewhat abrupt. One moment you are suffocating and the next you are falling asleep. It just doesn't transition well.

You should definitely make this poem longer. What is the big secret anyway? What makes you think that there is one?