Bullet's born in battlefields

an angsty unedited piece

I've been living my life like a bullet train.

Always running so fast I can see nothing, knowing nothing of what surrounds me so eager to move on because this destination has to be so much better than my journey. I can not live in the belief that this is all my life has to offer. Fields burnt down in anger, hidden in the fallout of the bombs dropped around me I've been living a war zone no-one else seems able to see. But 

when my time slows

the world feels so much slower

around me

each second 

pulled out 

and stretched 

into agony

like claws dragged slowly out of my own skin

out of my own kin

leaving shivers in their place.

Because now I can not simply forget my own words.

My own life.

My own part in this war no matter how unwilling it may have began it would seem I have become addicted to killing 

like a bullet train hit and run.

I can not stop to save the hurting people in front of me.

I've been living my life like a gun.

thoughtlessly reeling off too fast for the eye to see we only see the aftermath and hear the explosion it is so much harder to point the blame because a gun is only deadly in the hands of a killer so who the f**k blames the gun

or even it's maker.

A gun is crafted to kill. But what happens when the gun is sick of killing 

I've been living my life like a slaver. Kidnapping others misery and selling it off as my own so others may not have to work so hard so cultivate hate these are the things I'm ashamed of slow enough for you to hear them 

I've been living my life like I'm dying

because how long can I live here really 

before the fallout gets me.

Like a poison I can never escape if it's in me it will never go

it will only come out later to hurt those around me

I've been living my life like a bomb

because I know I'm already infected

with the anger that runs in my family

 this is not something I can escape

and all a bomb does is rip itself apart and hurt others in it's failings and we call that success 

and that is my greatest fear

because a part of me knows that this infection could be cured

but a part of me doesn't want it to be.

A part of me is so sick that it has become sickness and that part only grows like a cancer inside me how long until I am too much tumor to separate from me and still have something left.

Because some days the cure sounds more like the poison

and I have to open my eyes and see that I am the sickness

and the sickness is me.

and a gun will always be a gun

no matter how slow we watch it shoot.