Thoughts on dying

A kind of crap piece I have not edited since I wrote it

I can't stop feeling like I'm dying

and that f*****g scares me

like I have a terminal mind at full capacity

like I wake up every day and have to check my hands are solid

my body is solid 

that I am alive.

I know I am sick

but my opinion fluctuates on that

from yeah I'm f*****g sick to I'm an attention seeking b*****d 

don't you hate that

when your mind is what's killing you but you never seem to know how

when you can't see yourself living past 20 but you don't know why

when every night you want to curl up and cry 

because the only thing that makes you feel alive is touching death

standing by the tracks as the train rushes past the sound of inevitability drowning out the static that clouding you

that's pulling you back

that's drowning you out and killing you

and you think 

"if only I were allowed to scream"

or, you know, just give up.

I don't want to die but life is not for me 

now that doesn't make me suicidal does it?

That just makes me sick.

And some days I have to remind myself that not everyone is sick

but everyone is dying

and I wasn't lying 

when I told you the process was just a bit too slow for me

but you laughed

couldn't take me seriously

because I didn't tell you how I was dying.

But only because I never know how.